It has not been quite 2 years since I quit my job, a full time benefited job, to stay at home with a child that needed me. I did it without too much planning or thought; my son had been hurt and traumatized by a trusted adult and he needed saving. So I stepped out in trust and faith in this universe; and in a God I believe loves me and my son. I was a single mom, and yet I quit my job - to save my son.
The unique irony in all of it is that I was the one who needed saving just as much as he did, although I didn't quite know it in the moment. The universe however, in all its wild, weird, and wonderfully wise ways, allowed my son and I to save each other. We were also held, and held well, in the safety of love, friendship, connection, and salvation...and of course a little vacation in Hawaii!
We healed and grew. There were so many lessons about balance and about finding the calm in the center of chaos, and about perseverance and personal strength. Lessons of trust, and in leaning on others, about acceptance and forgiveness and adapting. Some lessons weren't so much fun to learn and I really hoped I wouldn't need a remedial lesson but God and the universe have decided otherwise.
During the first 12 months after I left my job, I pieced together a variety of opportunities for income. Private pay postpartum doula work, some nanny work, and per diem secretary work. I eventually took a regular secretarial position not quite 6 months ago and it's been a quiet relief; but things are turning out a little different than I had planned. Of course!
Working 4 to 5 nights a week leaves very little time to establish regular routines for meals, family time, and working through boundaries and setting traditions into play. Nor does it leave any time to cultivate my own self, something which I've begun to realize is a building block for creating a safe, strong, home. The job has been good for income, and has kept my little man out of childcare and allowed him to stay home with either his big sister or me, but it has become clear that another change is needed for the well being of all of us.
I find myself starting all over again, again. I have to step out again, in complete trust and faith, as I make another major change. My son needs me to be at home with him...again. This time, it's not just him though, it's my older daughter too. I have two children needing me home more, needing me home in the evenings for hot meals and dinner table connections, for story time and family game night. They need me home much more than we need the comfort of extra income. Truth be told? I'm pretty sure the kids I have that no longer live at home might still benefit from me being more available too. This might be saving an entire family all at once. So? So I will be leaving my current job and taking a new one that is less of everything: less income, less hours, less security, less flexibility...but allows me more time at home with the most important people in my life.
It's scary now. It was scary then, almost 2 years ago, but so urgent that fear didn't have a place. However, fear has become a close companion of mine these days. The past 6 months brought me some harder lessons about that and I got a little lost in the darkness of it. Now it feels like fear is consuming my decision making process across all areas of my life. To step outside of the safe place I've managed to create, even when it doesn't feel as safe as it used to, feels dangerous. It is a known safety, such as it is. But now? Now I have to embrace fear all over again, and trust in the unconfirmed intangibles. I am often full of fear and there is little room for trust it seems.
Fear is a very useful tool - it keeps us from repeating mistakes or getting into danger. I've come to put a lot of trust in fear. Then a friend told me that maybe it was time for me to, "consider being open to the possibility that fear doesn't have a place here".
I really dislike it when God and the universe use my friends against me! But I can see that this is a truth I need to own right now. Maybe my fear is not helpful at this time, in this place, and in so many ways. Perhaps my placing my trust in fear is the wrong place for it. I think, next to the lessons of balance that I've been privileged to learn, this lesson of not letting fear take footing where it is not needed is one of the grandest lessons of all.
So now I begin, again. With more balance, and a desire to remain open to possibility, and to get real about the validity of fear.
Hang on. This? This is going to be a wild ride!
