We took a trip, my little buddy and I, to visit family and to take a little retreat from our daily life and celebrate how far we've come over the past year. We escaped to paradise for two full weeks...Oahu to be exact. Two weeks in the sun and surf, where we woke up every day to throw on bathing suits and sunscreen and do whatever we wanted on our own timeline. Adventure after adventure combined with long lazy hours playing in warm sand and letting the ocean scrub our souls and renew us. Sun to warm our cold New England bones and give us a healthy glow to our skin. It was just as glorious as it sounds and I took a lifetimes worth of photos. We've only been home for 4 days but I can't stop looking over the pictures and dreaming about going back as soon as possible. It might have to be a yearly event! Watching G find the freedom and joy in such unstructured time refreshing. There were some interesting life lessons for both of us in our trip though. The universe likes to keep things in balance as I have come to firmly believe and this trip was no different.
One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself. I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends. None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him. I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent. There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!
We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone! G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance! From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache. The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*
This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you! I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old! We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed. We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses. We had RAIN! There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.
I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago. G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use. We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can. We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it. We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere. He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!) He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe. He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills. My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute. I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life. I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him. This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!
