Monday 9/19 Week 7; fresh start

If you know me, and I mean know me, you will know that I'm not filling these posts with the nitty gritty hard stuff that has been happening daily.  If you know me, you probably have listened to me whine and vent about the nitty gritty; about how hard things are and about the exhausting battle every day of trying to figure out what is going on and what I'm supposed to do about it and how I'm supposed to go about doing it with the resources I have.  I don't fill these posts with all of that because it doesn't always reflect well on G and he has had enough people noticing his less than wonderful qualities and doesn't need more of that.  My intention was to write about his successes, about how this year healed his hurts, about our journey through it.  I didn't realize how much of this journey was going to be about me as much as it is about him, or that it was going to be important to talk about the ugly stuff as well as the pretty stuff (ah, balance, there is that word again!)...because the truth is that any journey is not just the destination, but the path you take to get there.

I have been in a funk and sort of spiraling downwards lately.  Parenting is hard, parenting alone is an extra challenge, parenting alone and as a stay at home mom, with a limited circle of support has been a foreign country to me and I am not a very good traveler!  It's exhausting to be with G all the time. When I was at home with him in the beginning, it was easy.  He was a teensy helpless infant at at first.  And then he was an aware and curious and engaged baby.  He became a smart, quick thinking, active and funny toddler with a great sense of fun and enthusiasm.  Then I went to work.  He was 15 months at first, and maintained his adorable inquisitive and happy nature...until he didn't.  When he was about 22 months, I began working full time, and have continued at full time up until my last day on August 4th of this year:  two years and two months of being away from my son (who is now 4 years and 3 months old) for almost 10 hours a day, every weekday. Just about half his life.
Therefore, I was deliberate in my attention/time with him at every opportunity because my time was limited, a few hours each evening was all we had together aside from the weekend.  Every moment counted and I measured it out in increments and made each one matter.

Now that I'm with him 24/7 I keep feeling like I need a break, I need some "me time" and time for some "self care" but I don't know how to get it or when it is going to happen, so - without deliberate intention - I have been emotionally disengaging from him (and from everything) as a way to get a break of some kind.  I'm burying myself into scrolling Facebook, checking emails, making lists on Amazon, planning elaborate projects that I will realistically never be able to complete, chatting with friends in a different time zone...and not truly engaging with my son the way I intended, the way I should be, the way he needs me to.

It's a brave choice, what I did, to quit my job and stay home with my hurting son.  And wise - a smart choice - to heal my small boy now, instead of trying to heal him later over scars and thick protective walls.  But it wasn't necessarily thought out very well.  I focused on finances mostly - trying to decide if I actually COULD stay home and still pay my rent and utilities and feed my kids.  Perhaps I should have spent an equal amount of time planning out everything else: how much attention he needs, how much 'me-time' I need, and how to balance those; along with his need for mental stimulation and challenge, and for social interaction, and how I was going to meet all those needs all by myself...or IF I could meet all those needs all by myself.  Today I am wallowing, smack dab, in a pit of self doubt, of worry, of fear...while my beloved boy asks me "why?" and "how come?" and "how?" and "what does that mean?"on a regular basis.  I need time to think about an answer.  But there is no time available.  I need a re-do, a do-over, a fresh start.  There isn't one though.  And that is the whole point of this.  I can't re-do it, not any of it.  I can't just have a "fresh start" or a re-do, I have to just keep going in spite of it all.

So while there is no fresh start, there is this: the ugly messy nitty-gritty dirt of helping a small boy regain trust in adults, relearn boundaries and safety and security, and re-establish hierarchy and rules and the black and white truths that sometimes rules US instead of us ruling them...  and so maybe it is a fresh start after all... 

Week 6 Ending...

One thing I've noticed this week is that while G can clearly ask for what he wants (a new hot wheels car, the wolverine figurine, candy corn...) and can equally get upset when he is denied his request, he does not clearly ask for what he needs.  If he is hungry, he does not say, "Can I have lunch/a snack/something to eat?"  What he does do is say, "my belly hurts/i feel yukky" and then it's a detective game on my part.  Often he can't even identify what he needs even if I offer.  If he says his belly hurts and I offer water or food, he says, "I don't know!"

I feel a sense of shame about this because I see this as a learned behavior.  I think this is a learned behavior on MY part as well though.  I mean, isn't that what a good mom does? Anticipate and identify the needs of your child before they even know it - and then fulfill those needs before your child actually NEEDS them!  That is what I've sort of been intrinsically inclined to do, even considering it as the right thing to do: I know what you need because I'm the mom.  But I can see now, in watching G, how wrong this is.

He needs to identify his own needs, and ask to have them met, or learn to meet them himself. So this week, I'm starting to help him with that.  I'm changing my language as well.  I say things like, "wow, my mouth is dry, I must need some water!" or "My tummy is making noises, I must need to put some food in it!" and even "my head is hurting, I need some water to drink and I need to rest for a few minutes."  and when G is crying I'm starting to say, "What do you need?"   A little while ago he said, "I scratched my foot! help me make it better!"  I asked him, "what do you need me to do?" and when he said, "hug me!" I replied, "you need a hug? ok, ask me for what you need, say, 'i need a hug'" and he did...he said, "I need a hug to make my foot feel better!"  Its a small start, a slow start, but G and I, we will learn it together.  Maybe I'll pass on some of this to my other kids as well, I kind of think they probably need to relearn this along with us!

We definitely had a low key week.  I think we are getting bored with each other now.  I'm going to have to figure out something for us or this is going to be a very long winter ahead!  I have discovered that I am not very good at "playing".  Its not something I have a lot of skill at.  I can set up activities like playdough, coloring, playing a game or watching a movie, but as far as mindless "playing" with lego's or toys, I'm not very good.  Well, perhaps I'm just not very good at following G's rules - which, as you may know if you know any four year olds, tend to change frequently and get made up on the spot.  I may have to work on this skill!  I did try to be more mindful of G napping this week but I think we are at a crossroads of nap/no nap.  If he were physically busier, the nap would happen naturally I think, but many days we aren't quite as busy so the napping is harder for him but still needed by me.  I may have to transition to "quiet time" on his bed so I can get MY refueling time in!  Ah look, an opportunity to identify what I need and to figure out how to meet it for myself!

Week 7 - we are ready for you!

Monday 9/12; Week 6

When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance.  I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different.  I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar.  Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time.  As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self.  Don't we all?  I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time.  Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.

As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time?  Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him?  Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums?  I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do?  According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you!  But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance.  Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy.  Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time.  We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back.  We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns.  We read signs and labels.  We are doing a pretty good job I think.

This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra.  Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice.  But no blood was shed so I call that a win!  He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week.  I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well.  I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much.  He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!

So here we are.  Week 6.  G doesn't talk about preschool at all.  He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice.  He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities.  Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry.  Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem.  If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?"  Makes me laugh every time!  And we do, though.  We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out.  I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool.  I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living.  There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him!  There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...

Friday 9/9; Day 25...insight and gratitude

It was a long 3 day holiday weekend.  And then, life happened.

***Just for the sake of authenticity, I want to be clear that G is not living in a standard 2 parent household with a sibling group and extended family resources.  His life isn't a picture perfect life that would make a painful, scary, daycare situation something he could adjust to with any grace or adaptability.  There are a lot of other stressors in G's life that contribute to the fears and the struggle for control and the generalized defensiveness and unpredictability in his behaviors.***

There are often so many things that pop up that I think, "ooh! I have to blog that because it's important!" but by the end of any given day, I'm exhausted mentally, a little tired physically, and just worn out spiritually.  I'm not just the primary parent for G, I'm the ONLY parent.  I bear the whole burden, and G isn't my only kiddo.  I worry about my oldest who lives 3000 miles away from me, I wake up in the middle of the night consumed by thoughts about my 19 yo son living a mere 15 minutes away but who isn't one for a regular chatty phone call and rarely even replies to a text message, and then there is my sweet H, my 18 yo daughter who lives with me and G and who needs just as much as G.  The three of us form a semi functional unit but she takes as much of my time and energy as does G, just in a different way.  I am one momma, split in 4 ways, and none of those 'ways' is even, and some of them sort of overlap, and it leaves almost nothing left.

I realize that in the overall scheme of things, I'm one of the lucky ones.  G's dad is financially responsible.  He is a fair and decent man and lets me have full decision making over parenting, and comes around to see G regularly.  My other three kids are healthy, employed, and two of them are paying their own way thru community college.  Although I just quit my job for very valid reasons, that alone is a privilege I can't dismiss.  I have safe housing, with a yard.  I have a new, reliable, car to drive.  I have health insurance. Oh my god, I have health insurance.  And after last fall and winter, I can not be grateful ENOUGH for health insurance.  It may not be perfect, but as often as we were at the urgent care clinic and even the ER, and as many prescriptions as we went through... I'm grateful.  So with all of these advantages, including a college education of my own and some quality (if not quantity!) friends, I try not to despair over my small boy who continues to be an enigma to me.

This week has brought us a cold and a cough, a phase of baby talk and whining, a lot of discussion about control and choice and even about status: he is the child and I am the adult.  This week brought some potty issues and some 'helpless victim' behavior on G's behalf, some 'putting my foot down' on my behalf, and some thoughts about what it means to have unstructured time to fritter away, to have boredom, to waste time and BE restless, and what the benefits are in having that opportunity.  This week, I didn't structure much at all.  I let G indulge in his Kindle.  I let him eat when he wanted to eat, and sleep (or not) mostly when he wanted to.  It wasn't all roses, let me tell you!

I'm undergoing some major household restructuring to make our 1 bedroom apartment workable for 3 people - including all my needs for alone time and private space as well as H's need for privacy and a place to do schoolwork, and G's need for playspace.  So I was...busy.  Busy packing up things, moving things, re-organizing things...being creative, and overwhelmed, and frustrated, and being tired.  We had some frustrating moments, all 3 of us really, and some really sweet and tender moments, and some super fun moments as well.  Balance, it's all in the balance, as the universe keeps insisting and keeps bringing to my attention.  And now I think, how do I teach G about balance?  Perhaps this is the thing he needs most to learn about - the balance of good and bad, the balance of trust and mistrust, the balance of success and failure, the balance of hunger and fullness...of living, and working, and playing...and paying.  How do I show that to a FOUR YEAR OLD?  How do I 'not' show that to a four year old?  I've prayed a lot this week.  And I know I've been heard.  Thank you for listening.

Friday 9/2; Day20

We are helpers, it's what we do.
That's what I said to G today.  I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!"  and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"

My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.

This "healing" my son?  Its as much for me as it is for him.  The lesson in it all is this: priority.

I need to take care of G.  I need to heal G.  I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing.  Right now that is G.  I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW.  I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'.  I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there.  I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do.  He needs me.  I need him.  And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.

Bring on Day 21 - I got this!

Thursday 9/1; Day 19

Wednesday was a long and exhausting day of internal battle.

I fought with myself over certain lifestyle choices I've made and the choices I could have made instead.

I fought with demons that I can't seem to shake, who torment me with guilt and doubt and regret.

I fought with my intuition, my obligation, my nature and my nurture...and I fought with my very soul. I also fought with a very small, very fierce, 4 year old.  At the end of it all, there was not a winner, but because the universe is inherently good, there was not a definite loser either.  At the end of it all, every child I was in charge of was asleep in his/her own bed, every adult that mattered was also asleep in his/her own bed (or at least asleep in A bed!), and I managed to get almost 3 full hours of sleep before Thursday arrived.

Thursday dawned grey, damp, and with rain clouds looming.  But the bright, easy, and genuine grin beaming from G's face was all the sun I needed.  After days of tension and struggle, this day was all ours and ours alone.  I smiled as much as he did and we spent a sweet quiet morning snuggling on the couch and reconnecting.  A slow paced trip to the grocery store and the acquisition of a new toy plus the impromptu purchase of usually forbidden hot-dogs made it a total win for G.  He slipped easily into a nap and then when he woke up, he played quietly on his own under the watchful eyes of his big sister while I went to an interview.  Later, he ate like I've never seen - a snack, a full dinner including never before eaten Salmon, and then dessert, and then another two snacks afterward.  We chatted about the next day's activities and the little one we would be nannying together, how we were going to take care of him just for one day, and that he was a little guy who needed a big boy to help take care of him.  A friend of mine had suggested that maybe I take the time to give G a very clear timeline of any nanny gigs to help him process it, to help him understand that it would be a finite experience, that it would have a beginning and an end.  I hope it helps my boy, because what we both went thru the past few days was really hard, and I want to heal my son, not cause him more hurt.

And with that in mind, I am joyfully celebrating a couple of victories tonight.  Grateful for the income that nanny-ing has given us in this fragile time, but knowing it is not ideal for us, for G, I was so grateful to accept the offer of the per-diem night shift position I had applied to before leaving my job.  They called me today as I was on my way home from a different interview for some overnight postpartum doula work I agreed to.  The universe is so openly protecting and providing for me right now that I can hardly bear to acknowledge it for fear of it slipping away like some big teaser.  I try to remind myself that I am the daughter of God, I am a child of the Universe.  I AM value and worth, and my son is deserving of ME - and therefore I am deserving of what God and the universe provide so that I can provide, for him.  And that is the end of Day 19.