Right after the new year I went through a challenging time. In a desperate moment, I reached out to my adult kids for connection. My Boston residing 22 year old son came with his sweetheart, no hesitation and no questions asked. They came on the train and stayed over night and we ate, we drank, we talked, we played games, and their compassionate and loving presence generally helped to ground me. My west coast residing 28 year old daughter talked me through weeks of endless nights over the phone, until she was on spring break from school and could fly out and visit. My 19 year old home-girl doled out hugs and amazingly sarcastic one-liners that made me smile even when I thought I never would again. My children became the solid foundation that anchored me and yet they gave me wings all at the same time. It was like parenting came full circle for a time. I saw that I did a pretty good job raising such caring people who know how to show up when showing up matters.
I lay in my bed (heated mattress pad, flannel sheets, down comforter, hello New England spring!) and I listen to the wild giggles pouring from the kitchen. It is music to me, a symphony filling every corner of this apartment with LIFE. My oldest daughter is home for the first time in two and a half years. 2.5. Yes, TWO years and SIX months; probably longer. I stopped counting after awhile... I saw her 15 months ago but it wasn't at 'home' and it was different. Now she is home. Just ask her little sister, or either of her little brothers - this is HOME with Chickadee here, bossing us all around and setting the rules and the limits. It is the BEST thing ever. The giggles of my girls together in the kitchen wash over me and fill up all the empty parts of my heart.
Now she's gone again, back to HER home which is 3000 miles away from my hug. The laughter of all my children together still lingers in my heart and fills it full.
It is Easter. I have celebrated the resurrection of Christ in so many different ways over the past years. I have celebrated with large family gatherings including cousins and board games; joined with friends from church in a pot luck style; eaten with just two of my children, lonely, in a restaurant... this year I even celebrated by being completely alone. It wasn't a bad thing - it was contemplative and restorative. I think that it might be one of the best ways I've spent the holiday, in all its intention, in my adult life. I spent it this way by choice though and maybe its that fact which made this day one of peace for me. It is a kind of peace I've been needing to feel.
The more holidays that I spend as a single adult, the more comfortable I am making choices that best suit ME. It is more in my nature to make everyone else feel happy, especially when I was actively parenting small children and trying to build traditions and memories, but as my children have become adults with all their own wants and choices, it seems easier now to place my own desires ahead of theirs. It makes me a different kind of parent for Griffin; and a better one I think. He'll see a more independent and strong woman as his mom and for him? For him I think that will ultimately serve his needs best as well. Funny how that works out in the end...by putting myself first, I become a better mom for this specific child at this specific time. Balance. Ah, there it is again.
It is spring, in spite of the frigid 30 degree weather and remnants of snow in patches on the ground. We move forward into the light, again, my little sidekick brown eyed boy and I. We move forward and I watch as my adult children do the same. We aren't together always, but we aren't truly alone either. We hold hands and we fall down and we help each other up and we find balance together; sometimes anchoring each other, and sometimes encouraging flight. The light is longer, brighter, and warmer as every day passes. It's good to know the dark days are fading away.
