It's been a long time since I've written regularly.
There have been parenting successes, and failures, and then successes - a lot of balance in life; total upheaval, job changes, life changes, growth and discovery, joy and sadness and then more joy; finding the love of my life and how he made every day better, and then my heart shattering when it all fell apart.
It's been months now since that moment.
Today I got up.
I showered.
I did the "thing" that single moms do - I survived. Today I fed children and cleaned up after pets and I bought more food to feed those ever-hungry children, and I fed them, again. I drove my car and paid a bill and watered some plants and then planned an evening involving a baseball game and dinner and prepping for tomorrow. There is always tomorrow even when I wish there wasn't.
I'm tired in ways I've never been tired before. All of us are tired right now. We are all tired of fighting for the rights of others, and for ourselves, fighting for what is right in general, all the while trying to be safe, trying to keep our children, our friends, and our families safe. We are all tired of fighting to make every end meet, to burn our candles at both ends without burning out, to burn a light in the darkness without burning up. I'm extra tired of doing it all alone.
I'm extra.
Extra tired, extra alone, extra burning out, burning up, burnt down entirely. I'm tired of reaching out when I know that I have to. I'm tired of "self care" and "living juicy" and "living whole"... I'm tired of living, of trying to do it with grace and panache and positivity and a good attitude and a grounded spirit. But I don't have a choice so I keep on going. I am necessary to my children, and I don't take that for granted - but I'm so tired these days and even tired of trying to do it all in a way that keeps my children living juicy and whole with grace and panache and positivity...but I keep trying.
