Wednesday 9/16:
I'm sitting next to my boy; my twitching, wiggling, standing-sitting-standing-crouching-sitting, snapping, clapping, dabbing-dancing boy; and trying to get him to focus (for the love of God, man, just FOCUS!) for his very first day of all remote learning on a google meet platform he's never used before. He hates it. I hate it. "It's just day one though," I keep reassuring him (and myself, truthfully). "It's just day one, it'll get better! I promise!"
I'm not one for making promises that I can't keep, but over the past 7 months I've drifted towards placating hopeful false promises that I'm not really sure of but are the only ones I can muster up. "Its ok, it's gonna be ok, really!" That's one of my most used ones. I hope the universe forgives me.
I'm grateful for the mute button on google meet. Most of my running commentary as I sit next to my bored, restless, remote learning hating son, is alternate versions of 'stop! don't do that! put your feet down! good job! nice effort! ewww!'
We finished school and I only cried once. We all took a long, independent break for the afternoon and then made an excursion to the outside world, with masks and sanitizer, for some retail therapy. Maybe that was just for me though!
Thursday 9/17:
We start fresh. We sorted out the computer issues and my wiggly boy started out on MY laptop while his school issued chromebook lay on the floor in the corner of my bedroom. We read the emails last night and printed out the assignment in advance. We had a good hot breakfast and were ready to go at the right time. I unplugged my fully charged laptop so I could plug in the desk lamp.
Cue the dark music and crickets.
1.5 hours into the day, when the teacher was walking everyone thru logging into and accessing assignments and how to turn them in, the laptop died. I quick plugged it in and tried to reboot. nope. not gonna happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to finally set up the chromebook and get back on to the classroom. We did math outside while my wiggly boy slid and swung and climbed and wiggled. It was kind of awesome honestly, and also horribly stressful! Balance, right?
I'm hoping to re-engage with my sense of balance, the way I did all those years ago when I had to quit my job and stay home to care for my sweet boy. In the last two years I've lost my sense of balance entirely. I became so entrenched in a grown up personal relationship (and the drama/trauma of it) that I lost my connection to my own self, to my role in the big picture of my own life in general. When that relationship fell apart, I had nothing left but the drudging work of living solely as a single parent who provides. Also? At the same exact time? Pandemic....
I'm hoping to return to myself. I'm hoping to return to my friendships and relationships, my connections to my adult kiddos and my internal drive to have - yes, i'll say it - FUN and joy and peace in my life. It's a hard, slow, painful road due to Corona virus/pandemic lock down, but I am determined to live this one life I have as best I can. However hard it might be in the dark valleys, alone, and unsure of what I'm striving for, I'll keep going.
I hope you keep going too...
