It's been a few months since I checked in. Three months actually. These days, my very fact-loving 5 year old would insist upon it being accurate so I thought I'd clarify. Three months=a few months. Got it? Now back to our regular programming...
As is typical, a lot of changes have been happening. So much universal struggling to create balance and the occasional reminder that sometimes the balance comes whether we struggle for it or just wait it out. There's been a fair amount of both struggling and waiting over the past three months. When kids are this young, change happens so frequently and it goes hand in hand with the old "two steps forward, one step back" cliche that I hate, but yet can't refrain from inserting at this point. Of particular note: my little G-man started Kindergarten... and has been THRIVING.
I've felt such amazing gratitude for that fact that I find myself embarrassingly teetering on the edge of tears whenever I think about it. My fierce little guy has the perfect teacher for his needs; she is young and new to teaching but is not a sweet and warm fuzzy pushover, rather she is a no nonsense, consistent, and structured teacher, with a heart that really understands my guy, and who also knows what its like to parent a kiddo like G. She is generous with praise and lets me know often that G is doing well, having successes, growing and gaining to balance out the days where he is "learning" and "practicing" and "experiencing" different challenges. And he is, he is doing ALL of those things. He has friends, even a "best" friend. He is mastering the frustration of learning that he isn't the boss all the time and that sometimes he has to give in. His social skills are expanding and becoming more fluid. His brain is whizzing along and he's in an environment that supports that and encourages it and feeds it. This kid is reading a full grade level ahead and doing mental mathematics that keep me on my toes (and very, very humble!) We are both, standing back and looking at the big picture, very satisfied right now.
As the summer progressed, Griff got his cast removed, spent a few weeks in a removable splint, and was finally cleared for resuming all normal activity just in time for two weeks of swimming lessons and then day camp to end the summer. Of course I heard the statistics of re-breaking the same bone and had an undercurrent of terror every time he fell, but we got through it and now, a "few" months later, he remains unbroken and strong and his once broken arm is nearly as straight as his other one - probably only I can tell the difference. He conquered his first battle with poison ivy - a battle requiring both oral steroids and antibiotics and a LOT of patience...and learned the hard way that when I tell him we STAY on the bike path, I mean that we STAY on the bike path. You know, of all 4 of my children, he is very naturally exhibiting the same exact character trait that they have all inherited from me: we like our lessons learned the hard way, and independently. Sigh.
I am so proud of this fierce, independent, self protecting, smarty pants.
Over a year ago I left a job I loved and was dependent upon the universe to provide for us, and it did. I worked for a full 12 months as a per diem employee; scrambling for hours, no benefits, no sick time, no regular schedule. I worried for every second of it, and yet it all worked out. Even in the darkest moments in the winter when I was paying for prescription medicine for a sick little boy and hoping we could make the Ramen last for another two days, and I had to call out of work again; and even in the spring when I chose the trip to hawaii over keeping our savings for emergencies, it all worked out. I had to trust and have faith in the unseen, the unproven, the unsure. I didn't have a choice really but aside from THAT small fact, it was a lesson I needed to learn. To lean deeply without claiming victitude, without whining, without waiting for rescue. I mostly succeeded!
I say mostly, because there are other changes afoot in our household and I often find myself in a tornado of emotion and worry and doubt even as things are consistently working themselves out for the better. I chose to make some significant changes in my life last summer - changes that impact everyone in our house and to varying degrees. We've each one of us suffered some fall out, embraced the changes, felt the excitement and joy or the stress and unrest, equally. Its been different, and scary, and we have hurt some people in the process of making our own lives better which, honestly, really really stinks. It never feels good to hurt someone else, but even when you tread carefully and with authenticity and honesty, sometimes the agenda's that other people have for your life are at odds with your own truth. With utmost caution and thought, and deep reflection, I've made some choices for our family that some people near to us find objectionable. Surely I am not the first person to face objection when following their heart. I can say that I have done so though with such reflection, such planning and research, that I can only say, "I'm sorry you are hurt by this..." and do so without guilt.
Balance. Lessons. Independence. It looks like this...
November 26, 2017
August 1, 2017
August again; 1 year later
Last year I was just turning in my badge at work, cleaning off my desk, and preparing to leave my full time job to stay home with G after what had been a very hard year for him.
The past 12 months have been filled with journeys and travels I never planned on or prepared for, some I didn't even know I was taking until I'd come back, changed by the entire experience. G has traveled his own path as well, with tremendous growth. This past year has allowed both of us to leave behind the anxiety and insecurities we brought into it. We both are more settled, calmer at our core, and stronger. Sitting down to write this feels less like chalking up another month gone by, and more like having a whole new blog to write. There is excitement ahead for both of us and I fully intend for both of us to embrace all of it.
Today I registered the Gman for Kindergarten. It was a hard decision for me to make and I fretted over it for months. Having just turned 5, I could have held him back for a year to let him grow into himself a little more. He still struggles with good social skills among his peers but this boy is also reading, doing math, and his busy busy brain is bored. I can't really teach him the social skills he will learn in school, and the child wants desperately to go. So he'll go. Today we drove to his school, a place where he has gone to play in the playground and to ride his bike around the walkways and has some familiarity with. He was so excited, and yes, nervous too. It felt very anticlimactic to me, personally, after all the worrying I'd done. We walked in, met the principal, handed over our paperwork, and that was it. Done. G skipped back to the car, buckled up his own car seat straps, and chatted all the way home like he usually does. It felt so normal. That is the life we are excited to have - normal.
I had a hard adjustment coming back from Hawaii. It wasn't just the post-vacation blues, it was more. I was heartbroken, and missing my family. The time that I'd spent with my brothers, my nephew, and some old friends, had made me so acutely aware of what I was missing in my life. It also made me equally aware of what my future was looking like and how much I did not enjoy the view. I felt very unbalanced, very lonely, and shaken to the core with all the uncertainties I was facing in my life. It took some hard work with a great therapist, and I'm pretty sure I caused more than one of my friends to actually roll their eyes by the time I worked through a lot of old trauma as well as a whole new crop of fears, but I did it. I came through a really broken heart and fearful spirit to find a new path for myself. A journey that I am choosing deliberately.
There will always be sadness when I look back at my past, and letting go of hope leaves a discomfort that I'd rather not experience, but none of it has the power to stop me from making a future and being hopeful, unless I let it. I'm not willing to let it derail me though. I can have both: I can feel sad, and I can feel happy and hopeful. It is, as usual, about balance.
It was a long year. A year of battling demons and I wouldn't trade the demons we battled because the lessons we learned were worth it. Just the same? I'm glad to close the door on the past 12 months, and grateful to fling open the door and welcome in everything that the next 12 months will bring. I can't wait to write about it!
The past 12 months have been filled with journeys and travels I never planned on or prepared for, some I didn't even know I was taking until I'd come back, changed by the entire experience. G has traveled his own path as well, with tremendous growth. This past year has allowed both of us to leave behind the anxiety and insecurities we brought into it. We both are more settled, calmer at our core, and stronger. Sitting down to write this feels less like chalking up another month gone by, and more like having a whole new blog to write. There is excitement ahead for both of us and I fully intend for both of us to embrace all of it.
Today I registered the Gman for Kindergarten. It was a hard decision for me to make and I fretted over it for months. Having just turned 5, I could have held him back for a year to let him grow into himself a little more. He still struggles with good social skills among his peers but this boy is also reading, doing math, and his busy busy brain is bored. I can't really teach him the social skills he will learn in school, and the child wants desperately to go. So he'll go. Today we drove to his school, a place where he has gone to play in the playground and to ride his bike around the walkways and has some familiarity with. He was so excited, and yes, nervous too. It felt very anticlimactic to me, personally, after all the worrying I'd done. We walked in, met the principal, handed over our paperwork, and that was it. Done. G skipped back to the car, buckled up his own car seat straps, and chatted all the way home like he usually does. It felt so normal. That is the life we are excited to have - normal.
I had a hard adjustment coming back from Hawaii. It wasn't just the post-vacation blues, it was more. I was heartbroken, and missing my family. The time that I'd spent with my brothers, my nephew, and some old friends, had made me so acutely aware of what I was missing in my life. It also made me equally aware of what my future was looking like and how much I did not enjoy the view. I felt very unbalanced, very lonely, and shaken to the core with all the uncertainties I was facing in my life. It took some hard work with a great therapist, and I'm pretty sure I caused more than one of my friends to actually roll their eyes by the time I worked through a lot of old trauma as well as a whole new crop of fears, but I did it. I came through a really broken heart and fearful spirit to find a new path for myself. A journey that I am choosing deliberately.
There will always be sadness when I look back at my past, and letting go of hope leaves a discomfort that I'd rather not experience, but none of it has the power to stop me from making a future and being hopeful, unless I let it. I'm not willing to let it derail me though. I can have both: I can feel sad, and I can feel happy and hopeful. It is, as usual, about balance.
It was a long year. A year of battling demons and I wouldn't trade the demons we battled because the lessons we learned were worth it. Just the same? I'm glad to close the door on the past 12 months, and grateful to fling open the door and welcome in everything that the next 12 months will bring. I can't wait to write about it!
June 16, 2017
I can see clearly now...
At my job I see all kinds of people, all kinds of families, all different circumstances and dynamics. It's easy, actually, to get burnt out, jaded, cynical. Easy to see through the lies and stories, to see past the smiles and cheer to the hidden family service interventions and methadone treatments and drama. Except for this... I am unfailingly optimistic and open and gullible. I see the story they tell as truth. I see their hope for truth. I see their own belief in their own story and that their "truth" is more true for them than I could ever imagine. I see their grief, and their joy.
Today I admitted no less than 10 separate visitors into the room of a momma who was in labor, in a hard and medically induced labor, all for the purpose of delivering a baby who had already ceased to have a heartbeat - a baby that was already being grieved for and cried over and for whom burial plans were being finalized. A baby that had been loved and wanted and dreamed over and planned for and was birthed into heartache and tears. They were LOUD and SAD.
I also witnessed a daddy, in full OR coveralls and mask, wheeling his very own momma in a wheelchair and leading a crew of 5 other family members down the hallway in a cheering, laughing, weeping, giddy mass of joy towards the nursery where they could gaze in adoration at a pink cheeked, dark haired, 8lb newborn baby - a damp, squishy, live and breathing baby. They showed me a picture of their newest member... They were LOUD and HAPPY.
Listening to the euphoric giggles of one family and seeing their smiles shining light beams down the hall, and then turning to the tear streaked, soft, drawn faces of the grievers showed me more truth today than any person has ever spoken.
This is a hard, hard world. Nothing is fair. Life isn't easy. People lie. Good things happen, and bad things happen, and sometimes to people who don't deserve what they end up with. And at the end of the day, there is always balance. Maybe not individually, but globally... and as part of the global population? I place my tears in the hands of the universe and I wait for my joyous giddy light beams.
Today I admitted no less than 10 separate visitors into the room of a momma who was in labor, in a hard and medically induced labor, all for the purpose of delivering a baby who had already ceased to have a heartbeat - a baby that was already being grieved for and cried over and for whom burial plans were being finalized. A baby that had been loved and wanted and dreamed over and planned for and was birthed into heartache and tears. They were LOUD and SAD.
I also witnessed a daddy, in full OR coveralls and mask, wheeling his very own momma in a wheelchair and leading a crew of 5 other family members down the hallway in a cheering, laughing, weeping, giddy mass of joy towards the nursery where they could gaze in adoration at a pink cheeked, dark haired, 8lb newborn baby - a damp, squishy, live and breathing baby. They showed me a picture of their newest member... They were LOUD and HAPPY.
Listening to the euphoric giggles of one family and seeing their smiles shining light beams down the hall, and then turning to the tear streaked, soft, drawn faces of the grievers showed me more truth today than any person has ever spoken.
This is a hard, hard world. Nothing is fair. Life isn't easy. People lie. Good things happen, and bad things happen, and sometimes to people who don't deserve what they end up with. And at the end of the day, there is always balance. Maybe not individually, but globally... and as part of the global population? I place my tears in the hands of the universe and I wait for my joyous giddy light beams.
June 5, 2017
June 2017: I shouldn't have blinked
He isn't 5 for another 16 days but he's already shed all of his babyness and is a full blown "kid". He grew a full two inches taller since January. I can barely carry him anymore with his long legs all dangly and getting tangled up in mine. He likes privacy in the bathroom now. He makes fart jokes. He reads street signs and labels and instructions (but only when he wants to), he can look at the calendar and know how many days are left in the week or the month. When we go to the doctor for check ups, he walks right up and gives his name and date of birth to the receptionist. When he laughs, it is a wild, full bellied, bent over double kind of laugh. His arm will be in a cast for another 4 weeks but he's already riding his scooter and running down trails and playing mini-golf...because he isn't a baby, he's a boy. He made his own peanut butter sandwich the other day.
I thought that I would be ready for this. I thought that I was just holding on for this exact moment when he didn't need me so much and wasn't sucking the soul out of me with his demands. I thought that I just couldn't wait until he was a real kid and not a baby... but it happened so quickly. I think it happened when I blinked. I might need to avoid blinking for awhile - I don't want to blink and find out he's driving the car and is taller than me. It feels like it could happen that way.
I started this blog as a written journey of what it was like to give up my full time job and stay at home with this wild boy. I thought it would be about saving his spirit, about his journey through a trauma back into wholeness. I didn't have a plan for what to do with it after G was well and whole. I never even wrote as much as I meant to from the start! I also didn't plan that it was going to be about my own journey. I didn't even realize I had a journey to go through. I was so fully unprepared to embark on a journey of my own, that just like I blinked and found my baby had turned into a boy, I blinked and found myself right in the middle of a life I didn't know I was going to be in, how I got here, or where I'm supposed to go next. One day I was in Hawaii on vacation with my child, and a week later I was sitting in a vast wilderness of complicated emotions and trauma and brokenness all of my own.
I try to focus on how the universe brings balance to my life in so many ways. I feel like its just how my life has been cared for by God (or whatever universal vibe you might want to call it). Suddenly though, I was smack dab in a place where all the balance had shifted in such a way that it left me spinning, sideways, tipped over, and most definitely unbalanced. A friend told me some theories show that the universe tends toward chaos and that maintaining order (or balance) actually requires effort. Huh. I had to ponder that one for awhile. It makes sense that to create balance you might have to put forth energy to offset the chaos, but I've always felt that the balance occurring in my life was a gift for me to embrace. Then I blinked.
I'm a little lost right now, a little adrift, and trying to look for balance, or to create my own balance even. I have another thought though; maybe I'm approaching it wrong. Maybe its not so much about trying to find or create balance, but about allowing time to pass and shift and for the balance to occur on it's own. Possibly I've become a little too used to things happening when I want them too, or when I make them happen, and not enough accustomed to waiting it out. There is a lesson there, I just have to pay attention to it. I'll try not to blink and miss it.
I thought that I would be ready for this. I thought that I was just holding on for this exact moment when he didn't need me so much and wasn't sucking the soul out of me with his demands. I thought that I just couldn't wait until he was a real kid and not a baby... but it happened so quickly. I think it happened when I blinked. I might need to avoid blinking for awhile - I don't want to blink and find out he's driving the car and is taller than me. It feels like it could happen that way.
I started this blog as a written journey of what it was like to give up my full time job and stay at home with this wild boy. I thought it would be about saving his spirit, about his journey through a trauma back into wholeness. I didn't have a plan for what to do with it after G was well and whole. I never even wrote as much as I meant to from the start! I also didn't plan that it was going to be about my own journey. I didn't even realize I had a journey to go through. I was so fully unprepared to embark on a journey of my own, that just like I blinked and found my baby had turned into a boy, I blinked and found myself right in the middle of a life I didn't know I was going to be in, how I got here, or where I'm supposed to go next. One day I was in Hawaii on vacation with my child, and a week later I was sitting in a vast wilderness of complicated emotions and trauma and brokenness all of my own.
I try to focus on how the universe brings balance to my life in so many ways. I feel like its just how my life has been cared for by God (or whatever universal vibe you might want to call it). Suddenly though, I was smack dab in a place where all the balance had shifted in such a way that it left me spinning, sideways, tipped over, and most definitely unbalanced. A friend told me some theories show that the universe tends toward chaos and that maintaining order (or balance) actually requires effort. Huh. I had to ponder that one for awhile. It makes sense that to create balance you might have to put forth energy to offset the chaos, but I've always felt that the balance occurring in my life was a gift for me to embrace. Then I blinked.
I'm a little lost right now, a little adrift, and trying to look for balance, or to create my own balance even. I have another thought though; maybe I'm approaching it wrong. Maybe its not so much about trying to find or create balance, but about allowing time to pass and shift and for the balance to occur on it's own. Possibly I've become a little too used to things happening when I want them too, or when I make them happen, and not enough accustomed to waiting it out. There is a lesson there, I just have to pay attention to it. I'll try not to blink and miss it.
May 15, 2017
May: month 9/10ish, a trip to Hawaii, and everything we learned...
We took a trip, my little buddy and I, to visit family and to take a little retreat from our daily life and celebrate how far we've come over the past year. We escaped to paradise for two full weeks...Oahu to be exact. Two weeks in the sun and surf, where we woke up every day to throw on bathing suits and sunscreen and do whatever we wanted on our own timeline. Adventure after adventure combined with long lazy hours playing in warm sand and letting the ocean scrub our souls and renew us. Sun to warm our cold New England bones and give us a healthy glow to our skin. It was just as glorious as it sounds and I took a lifetimes worth of photos. We've only been home for 4 days but I can't stop looking over the pictures and dreaming about going back as soon as possible. It might have to be a yearly event! Watching G find the freedom and joy in such unstructured time refreshing. There were some interesting life lessons for both of us in our trip though. The universe likes to keep things in balance as I have come to firmly believe and this trip was no different.
One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself. I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends. None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him. I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent. There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!
We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone! G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance! From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache. The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*
This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you! I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old! We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed. We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses. We had RAIN! There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.
I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago. G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use. We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can. We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it. We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere. He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!) He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe. He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills. My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute. I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life. I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him. This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!
One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself. I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends. None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him. I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent. There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!
We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone! G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance! From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache. The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*
This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you! I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old! We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed. We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses. We had RAIN! There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.
I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago. G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use. We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can. We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it. We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere. He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!) He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe. He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills. My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute. I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life. I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him. This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!
April 14, 2017
March 2017; Eight Months In
Its April now, almost May in fact, but I'm just getting around to updating thanks to the gentle prodding of my few cherished readers...
When I started this blog, G and I were coming out of an 8 month period of time characterized primarily by separation, lack of trust, and a lot of fear that presented itself in a wide variety of ways I hadn't yet categorized and labeled. It had been a time of worry without boundaries or definition and I think G and I both felt at loose ends and sort of wild with all of it. He was pushy and demanding and determined to be "safe" at all costs. He was erratic and chaotic both inside and out. I was a pushover and soft in my guilt and grief and worry. My parenting was erratic and chaotic but I was present and I kept him safe and fought for his heart and spirit the best I could.
It has now been another 8 months period of time. This time, it has been characterized by bonding, developing trust, and finding out that there is a place and time for fear but that it does not have to be part of our daily experiences. Griff has leaned into feeling safe, leaned into the discomfort of feeling vulnerable and trusting that grown ups WOULD keep him safe. He has explored misbehavior in safe ways, and learned that being silly is ok, and that boundaries and rules are good for everyone even when we don't all like them! I've learned that I can enforce rules and boundaries and that I too can lean into the discomfort of feeling vulnerable and trusting my instincts. I've learned that I can let him be himself in all his wild and sassy and smart 4 year old ways without blaming behaviors on anything other than "being 4". And we did it together.
Just as spring is a time of growth, rebirth, and unveiling of light for all of nature, it also holds all of that potential for both Griff and myself. We are celebrating big. We are going away on a vacation to just be: to be present with each other without timelines and obligations; to be in the moment, to have fun, to play unabashedly, and to get real with the sand and the ocean and the sky. I feel so blessed to do this but yet also proud that I've been able to navigate working and saving, and balancing both, so that while we are in need of this vacation, we are also able to take it. The universe and it's quest for balance... still the main theme in my life!
I'll be back soon with tales of our glorious vacation and with some thoughts on whats coming next for our messy, beautiful life.
When I started this blog, G and I were coming out of an 8 month period of time characterized primarily by separation, lack of trust, and a lot of fear that presented itself in a wide variety of ways I hadn't yet categorized and labeled. It had been a time of worry without boundaries or definition and I think G and I both felt at loose ends and sort of wild with all of it. He was pushy and demanding and determined to be "safe" at all costs. He was erratic and chaotic both inside and out. I was a pushover and soft in my guilt and grief and worry. My parenting was erratic and chaotic but I was present and I kept him safe and fought for his heart and spirit the best I could.
It has now been another 8 months period of time. This time, it has been characterized by bonding, developing trust, and finding out that there is a place and time for fear but that it does not have to be part of our daily experiences. Griff has leaned into feeling safe, leaned into the discomfort of feeling vulnerable and trusting that grown ups WOULD keep him safe. He has explored misbehavior in safe ways, and learned that being silly is ok, and that boundaries and rules are good for everyone even when we don't all like them! I've learned that I can enforce rules and boundaries and that I too can lean into the discomfort of feeling vulnerable and trusting my instincts. I've learned that I can let him be himself in all his wild and sassy and smart 4 year old ways without blaming behaviors on anything other than "being 4". And we did it together.
Just as spring is a time of growth, rebirth, and unveiling of light for all of nature, it also holds all of that potential for both Griff and myself. We are celebrating big. We are going away on a vacation to just be: to be present with each other without timelines and obligations; to be in the moment, to have fun, to play unabashedly, and to get real with the sand and the ocean and the sky. I feel so blessed to do this but yet also proud that I've been able to navigate working and saving, and balancing both, so that while we are in need of this vacation, we are also able to take it. The universe and it's quest for balance... still the main theme in my life!
I'll be back soon with tales of our glorious vacation and with some thoughts on whats coming next for our messy, beautiful life.
February 21, 2017
Seven Months In; Fixing Broken Hearts
Today I had the privilege of caring for my good friends son B. At 19, B is about 5'8 and outweighs me by a solid 35 lbs. He's blond and blue eyed and is a charming goofball that I've known since he was about 8 months old. He also has autism. My buddy B goes to school and has after school programs and respite workers and weekend classes and more respite workers but during school vacation weeks there are long stretches that he needs care while his parents are both at work. I usually get to hang with B for a day or a few hours of a day in between the other puzzle pieces of other people that help out. Today was my day.
B and G don't always mesh very well. G likes to engage, to play, to ask questions, to get in your space and invade your soul (as 4 years old do). Fortunately, B very clearly will say, "I want to be alone" or "no more questions" and even "close the door". G doesn't quite get it, but we manage it well by going to B's house so he can hide away in his room with his ipad and keep his space (and soul) intact. We make it work and it usually is a great time for all of us. B is very routine oriented so today we had already laid out our plan of when and where for the day and long as B knew what time it was and what the plan was, he was good spirited and cheerful and ready for any adventure. But this isn't actually about B, it's about my little man and something that has changed.
As we were driving in the car today, B held up his two hands with the fingers curved into a heart shape and said, "Dionne, break your heart!" and proceeded to pull his hands apart and then laugh. It was then something he repeated consistently and frequently the rest of the day. I don't know where it came from but I quickly learned that it was best to respond with "yes you did!" or "oh no!"or "not again!" and laugh with him. Well, after the first few times when I said, "no! I'm sad, don't break my heart! I'll cry!" because I hadn't learned the "rules" yet (lol! there are no rules, but you just figure out what works for B and go with it!) G started joining in - but in the sweetest way. As soon as B would say, "Dionne, break your heart!" and before I could even fully say "yes you did!" G would chime in with his little voice from the back seat, "its ok momma, I fixed it!" Over and over, mile after mile, minute after minute, with B "breaking" my heart, and G fixing it.
Yes, G, yes... you fixed my heart...
...and it seems as if his heart is fixed too - that he could reach out with love and kindness to repair a broken heart is a leap for my sweet, funny, tender, tough, wild-boy... and now we have balance there at last.
B and G don't always mesh very well. G likes to engage, to play, to ask questions, to get in your space and invade your soul (as 4 years old do). Fortunately, B very clearly will say, "I want to be alone" or "no more questions" and even "close the door". G doesn't quite get it, but we manage it well by going to B's house so he can hide away in his room with his ipad and keep his space (and soul) intact. We make it work and it usually is a great time for all of us. B is very routine oriented so today we had already laid out our plan of when and where for the day and long as B knew what time it was and what the plan was, he was good spirited and cheerful and ready for any adventure. But this isn't actually about B, it's about my little man and something that has changed.
As we were driving in the car today, B held up his two hands with the fingers curved into a heart shape and said, "Dionne, break your heart!" and proceeded to pull his hands apart and then laugh. It was then something he repeated consistently and frequently the rest of the day. I don't know where it came from but I quickly learned that it was best to respond with "yes you did!" or "oh no!"or "not again!" and laugh with him. Well, after the first few times when I said, "no! I'm sad, don't break my heart! I'll cry!" because I hadn't learned the "rules" yet (lol! there are no rules, but you just figure out what works for B and go with it!) G started joining in - but in the sweetest way. As soon as B would say, "Dionne, break your heart!" and before I could even fully say "yes you did!" G would chime in with his little voice from the back seat, "its ok momma, I fixed it!" Over and over, mile after mile, minute after minute, with B "breaking" my heart, and G fixing it.
Yes, G, yes... you fixed my heart...
...and it seems as if his heart is fixed too - that he could reach out with love and kindness to repair a broken heart is a leap for my sweet, funny, tender, tough, wild-boy... and now we have balance there at last.
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