He calls me "Girl".
At the end of a conversation, he says, "Ok Girl, I love you!"
Sometimes maybe in the middle of an important discussion he will say, "Hey Girl, you are OK, really, you know?"
And I know. I know he loves me. I know I am, at the end of it all, OK. Because he said so.
I'm not the only one he calls "girl", but in my mind I am the most important one. In my mind I am the FIRST one. In my mind, I am the BEST girl, ever.
He is my big brother and I am his one and only little sister. I always make him tell me that I'm his favorite little sister. He always agrees. Every single time. I am the only little sister he has so it's not a big stretch but still... it matters to me.
I will be 51 this year. He will be... uh... I dunno... 58? 59?
He will be old.
Older than me.
I am still a baby... his baby sister... his baby "girl".
He will be recovering from hernia surgery, from a COPD diagnosis, using a full time O2 tank, recovering from a foot surgery, and recovering from the loss of his beloved puppy dog, and adjusting to a move from Hawaii to Arizona, mid pandemic... He is undergoing a LOT. And I am 2000 miles away, unable to see him, touch him, hug him, tease him, mock him, irritate him, annoy him, and be the little sister, the "girl" that I am supposed to be. It hurts me to my very core.
I remember him holding me when I was 6, scared and alone and missing alllllllll the life I had known before that moment: I was 6 and my parents were divorced and my mom worked 40 hours A DAY (no exaggeration) and my brothers were all I knew of safety and love.
I remember his girlfriend being MY friend, playing Barbies with me and giving me lunch and being my companion during long lonely afternoons.
I remember him coming back home after having gone away to stay with our dad for what felt like years but was probably weeks, and bringing me a Snoopy Dog stuffed animal from the airport - I remember discovering his ear piercing and him begging me not to tell our mom... I remember him letting me cut his hair and the awful mullet I gave him and how he didn't even care...
I remember him as a new dad, just a handful of years older than me, holding his new baby boy and trying to figure it all out and still making me feel like I was special to him. I remember him standing by me while our mother died. I remember holding HIS son, and feeling close to him at the same time.
I remember visiting him when our older brother was sick and wouldn't let us see him. When we were both of us filled with anger and grief and fear and frustration and so so so much sadness.
I remember his voice, over the phone, talking to me about our momma, about alcoholism, about addiction and grief, and about our dad and his life and our step-dad and his life, and every fucking thing ever about life as my brother, as my friend, as the one person I love more than fucking ANYONE.
I remember him easily, think of him all the time, because he is still present in my life every day; but I always have the underlying dread thinking of that moment when he won't be there, when he won't be HERE, when I won't hear him call me his "girl"... and tonight I weep in advance.
I've seen my aunties say goodbye to their sisters, to their brothers, to grieve the loss of their siblings, their special "someone" that understood their past... and I've felt angst for them, knowing that someday it will be me, losing MY brother, losing the ONE person to call me his "girl", and feeling that loss so deeply and intimately and in my very foundation. Oh how I dread that day - the day when I am no longer Rick's "girl".
I feel bereaved too, in advance, of my own children losing their siblings. Will Steph lose her littles, the ones she helped raise? Will Noah lose his right hand, his one and only little sister, or his anchor, his one and only big sister? Will Hannah lose both her guiding lights? Her big sister, her big brother? What would our family look like without our "boy"'s, or our "girl"'s? What will Griff grow up to be without the maps that his older siblings forged?
How will I ever get to the end of the road if my big brother doesn't map it out ahead for me?
I am his "girl"... I sure hope he leaves a roadmap for me.
