Toot Toot (the sound of my own horn)

 When I started this blog it was August 2016 and I was trying to figure out to how move forward from a time when my child had been mistreated abused for months by his daycare provider and I, a single mom, chose to quit my job and stay home with him.

Today it is June of 2025 and let me say: time flies whether you are having fun or not!

That 3 and a half year old little boy who was hurt and had huge trust issues and a penchant for striking out when scared (or running away) has become a 13 year old man-child, who excels at Karate, at musical instruments, who loves nature camp, who has a PLAN for high school and dual enrollment at WPI and a goal of attending MIT.  He has friends, teachers who value him, supportive and encouraging adults that show up for him, he can have a hard conversation and can stand up for himself.  He can mow a lawn, do laundry, clean a bathroom, and cook a meal.  He is ok. I repeat: He is OK. 

I had help of course - therapists and sacrifices and prayer, my friends who listened and loved, and his never faltering big sis - but I did it.  There were dicey moments, scary moments, so much worry and doubt and fear and some of that was recent but... he is ok, and I did that. I've had 6 different jobs since then, working around his needs, but I did it.  I kept us in our same apartment, kept him in the same school district, kept him with the same friends he's known since kindergarten, prioritized a routine to see his father regularly and include his father in every big moment, taught him to love and care for pets, encouraged his older siblings to stay close, and gave him every opportunity to explore his interests and to meet his needs.  I'm tooting my own horn cuz baby? No one else is gonna do it.

In the grand scheme of all that is 'life', there will be mountains to climb and valleys to traverse, and therapists to see still... but what was a terrified and locked down challenge of a hurt small boy has become an evolving and open and forward thinking young man... with a loving and dedicated and consistent momma.  

And now maybe it's time to approach life in the way everyday normal people do: with trepidation and caution and openness and hope instead of sweat and tears and painfully considered double guessed  choices.  Maybe now we can just... live?  No, not "maybe now" but... Now.  Now we can just go out there and live without a shadow over us, without over thinking and doubt and second guesses.  Because he is ok... He is OK... and I did that.  I made him ok after all.

This past weekend we went on a scenic train ride.  We rode outbound on a track to a specific stop, the engine unhooked, moved around or 'switched' position, rehooked, and we came back the same way we had come.  The scenery was different on the way back, the way the air came into the windows and ruffled our hair was different.  The sound of the train horn was different because all of it came from a different position, even though we traveled the same exact track.  Same train, same seats, same track, different view.  Toot Toot...

Listen; life is hard.  The challenges we face are different for each of us and the way we approach and overcome those challenges is going to be different.  Same train, same seats, same track, different view.  Toot your own horn when you need to.  Congratulate yourself.  Appreciate yourself and your efforts.  You did good... toot toot!

Little Glimpses

Right after the new year I went through a challenging time.  In a desperate moment, I reached out to my adult kids for connection. My Boston residing 22 year old son came with his sweetheart, no hesitation and no questions asked. They came on the train and stayed over night and we ate, we drank, we talked, we played games, and their compassionate and loving presence generally helped to ground me. My west coast residing 28 year old daughter talked me through weeks of endless nights over the phone, until she was on spring break from school and could fly out and visit. My 19 year old home-girl doled out hugs and amazingly sarcastic one-liners that made me smile even when I thought I never would again. My children became the solid foundation that anchored me and yet they gave me wings all at the same time.  It was like parenting came full circle for a time.  I saw that I did a pretty good job raising such caring people who know how to show up when showing up matters.

I lay in my bed (heated mattress pad, flannel sheets, down comforter, hello New England spring!) and I listen to the wild giggles pouring from the kitchen.  It is music to me, a symphony filling every corner of this apartment with LIFE.  My oldest daughter is home for the first time in two and a half years.  2.5.  Yes, TWO years and SIX months; probably longer.  I stopped counting after awhile... I saw her 15 months ago but it wasn't at 'home' and it was different.  Now she is home.  Just ask her little sister, or either of her little brothers - this is HOME with Chickadee here, bossing us all around and setting the rules and the limits.  It is the BEST thing ever.  The giggles of my girls together in the kitchen wash over me and fill up all the empty parts of my heart.

Now she's gone again, back to HER home which is 3000 miles away from my hug.  The laughter of all my children together still lingers in my heart and fills it full.

It is Easter.  I have celebrated the resurrection of Christ in so many different ways over the past years.  I have celebrated with large family gatherings including cousins and board games; joined with friends from church in a pot luck style; eaten with just two of my children, lonely, in a restaurant... this year I even celebrated by being completely alone.  It wasn't a bad thing - it was contemplative and restorative.  I think that it might be one of the best ways I've spent the holiday, in all its intention, in my adult life.  I spent it this way by choice though and maybe its that fact which made this day one of peace for me.  It is a kind of peace I've been needing to feel.

The more holidays that I spend as a single adult, the more comfortable I am making choices that best suit ME.  It is more in my nature to make everyone else feel happy, especially when I was actively parenting small children and trying to build traditions and memories, but as my children have become adults with all their own wants and choices, it seems easier now to place my own desires ahead of theirs.  It makes me a different kind of parent for Griffin; and a better one I think.  He'll see a more independent and strong woman as his mom and for him? For him I think that will ultimately serve his needs best as well.  Funny how that works out in the end...by putting myself first, I become a better mom for this specific child at this specific time.  Balance.  Ah, there it is again. 

It is spring, in spite of the frigid 30 degree weather and remnants of snow in patches on the ground. We move forward into the light, again, my little sidekick brown eyed boy and I. We move forward and I watch as my adult children do the same.  We aren't together always, but we aren't truly alone either. We hold hands and we fall down and we help each other up and we find balance together; sometimes anchoring each other, and sometimes encouraging flight.  The light is longer, brighter, and warmer as every day passes.  It's good to know the dark days are fading away.

May: month 9/10ish, a trip to Hawaii, and everything we learned...

We took a trip, my little buddy and I, to visit family and to take a little retreat from our daily life and celebrate how far we've come over the past year.  We escaped to paradise for two full weeks...Oahu to be exact.  Two weeks in the sun and surf, where we woke up every day to throw on bathing suits and sunscreen and do whatever we wanted on our own timeline.  Adventure after adventure combined with long lazy hours playing in warm sand and letting the ocean scrub our souls and renew us.  Sun to warm our cold New England bones and give us a healthy glow to our skin.  It was just as glorious as it sounds and I took a lifetimes worth of photos.  We've only been home for 4 days but I can't stop looking over the pictures and dreaming about going back as soon as possible.  It might have to be a yearly event!  Watching G find the freedom and joy in such unstructured time refreshing.  There were some interesting life lessons for both of us in our trip though.  The universe likes to keep things in balance as I have come to firmly believe and this trip was no different.

One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself.  I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends.  None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him.  I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent.  There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!

We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone!  G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance!  From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache.  The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*

This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you!  I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old!  We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed.  We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses.  We had RAIN!  There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.

I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago.  G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use.  We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can.  We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it.  We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere.  He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!)  He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe.  He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills.  My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute.  I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life.  I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him.  This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!

Seven Months In; Fixing Broken Hearts

Today I had the privilege of caring for my good friends son B.  At 19, B is about 5'8 and outweighs me by a solid 35 lbs.  He's blond and blue eyed and is a charming goofball that I've known since he was about 8 months old.  He also has autism.  My buddy B goes to school and has after school programs and respite workers and weekend classes and more respite workers but during school vacation weeks there are long stretches that he needs care while his parents are both at work.  I usually get to hang with B for a day or a few hours of a day in between the other puzzle pieces of other people that help out.  Today was my day.

B and G don't always mesh very well.  G likes to engage, to play, to ask questions, to get in your space and invade your soul (as 4 years old do).  Fortunately, B very clearly will say, "I want to be alone" or "no more questions" and even "close the door".  G doesn't quite get it, but we manage it well by going to B's house so he can hide away in his room with his ipad and keep his space (and soul) intact.  We make it work and it usually is a great time for all of us.  B is very routine oriented so today we had already laid out our plan of when and where for the day and long as B knew what time it was and what the plan was, he was good spirited and cheerful and ready for any adventure.  But this isn't actually about B, it's about my little man and something that has changed.

As we were driving in the car today, B held up his two hands with the fingers curved into a heart shape and said, "Dionne, break your heart!" and proceeded to pull his hands apart and then laugh. It was then something he repeated consistently and frequently the rest of the day.  I don't know where it came from but I quickly learned that it was best to respond with "yes you did!" or "oh no!"or "not again!" and laugh with him.  Well, after the first few times when I said, "no! I'm sad, don't break my heart! I'll cry!" because I hadn't learned the "rules" yet (lol! there are no rules, but you just figure out what works for B and go with it!) G started joining in - but in the sweetest way.  As soon as B would say, "Dionne, break your heart!" and before I could even fully say "yes you did!" G would chime in with his little voice from the back seat, "its ok momma, I fixed it!"  Over and over, mile after mile, minute after minute, with B "breaking" my heart, and G fixing it.

Yes, G, yes... you fixed my heart...

...and it seems as if his heart is fixed too - that he could reach out with love and kindness to repair a broken heart is a leap for my sweet, funny, tender, tough, wild-boy... and now we have balance there at last.

December 28; Five Months In

My desire to "save" my son from the damages done by one of his caregivers was the driving force in my decision to quit my full time benefited job and stay home with him.  It was the only choice I could see given his behaviors and how little time remained before he started Kindergarden.

It has been 5 months of challenges for both of us, and for other family members as well.  There has been so much learning and growth happening within our hearts and souls that the two of us are surely different now than we were before.  I suppose you could say that of any person after 5 months, whether they made a major life change or not - life has a way of growing and changing people regardless of their choices! - but the ways in which both G and I have had to adapt and adjust have been infinitely full of growth.

November brought a new part time position for me that took me out of the house more than I wanted during the time I was orienting/training.  The necessity of income chased me through the days and evenings I was gone.  Then suddenly there was Thanksgiving. I tried to slow our race through December but then we traveled 3000 miles to a family reunion which was an amazing time, and of course there was Christmas and Santa and now?  Now is the time to regroup, re assess, and plan for more changes.

G has responded so well to being home with me now.  He still is pretty resistant to any other person trying to correct his behaviors, to put it in a respectful tone.  In other words, he digs in his heels and lashes out at most any other person, still trying to be the boss of every situation and always on guard against being hurt by an adult.  I wonder if that is something I can ever help him navigate with more grace.  He likes to be boss with me too, but has become more willing to be my friendly, cooperative helper on a regular basis.  His trust in me is growing bigger and deeper all the time.  He was a wonderful travel companion on our flights to California; funny and cheerful and curious, as well as respectful and charming to other passengers.  Maybe that is just the nature of a 4 year old...

He has had some issues with breathing/asthma as the fall progressed, as is typical of him and I imagine we will have to deal with this long term.  That will be the least of our worries!

I know at times G feels the need to play with other children, but overall it is still a difficult time for him when he does.  His bossiness and easily overstimulated temperament can make a situation very UNfun for all of us.  I'm still trying to sort out the way to meet his needs in this as well as create successful interactions for him.

Right now we are saying goodbye to the holidays and heading in to the endless dreariness of a cold New England winter so I plan on making "successful kid-interactions" a work in progress.  There are a lot of indoor play places we can go to for "practice".

One thing I've discovered that took me by surprise, is that in "saving Griffin", I have unexpectedly saved myself.  My own heart has been healed by being home with him, and with the opportunity to spend more time with my 19 yr old daughter, and has shown me that in this change, all of our family has had the opportunity for growth and learning.  The universe continues to fill our lives with instances of hope, kindness, generosity, and love.  I am grateful, more and more, for this life.

Monday 9/19 Week 7; fresh start

If you know me, and I mean know me, you will know that I'm not filling these posts with the nitty gritty hard stuff that has been happening daily.  If you know me, you probably have listened to me whine and vent about the nitty gritty; about how hard things are and about the exhausting battle every day of trying to figure out what is going on and what I'm supposed to do about it and how I'm supposed to go about doing it with the resources I have.  I don't fill these posts with all of that because it doesn't always reflect well on G and he has had enough people noticing his less than wonderful qualities and doesn't need more of that.  My intention was to write about his successes, about how this year healed his hurts, about our journey through it.  I didn't realize how much of this journey was going to be about me as much as it is about him, or that it was going to be important to talk about the ugly stuff as well as the pretty stuff (ah, balance, there is that word again!)...because the truth is that any journey is not just the destination, but the path you take to get there.

I have been in a funk and sort of spiraling downwards lately.  Parenting is hard, parenting alone is an extra challenge, parenting alone and as a stay at home mom, with a limited circle of support has been a foreign country to me and I am not a very good traveler!  It's exhausting to be with G all the time. When I was at home with him in the beginning, it was easy.  He was a teensy helpless infant at at first.  And then he was an aware and curious and engaged baby.  He became a smart, quick thinking, active and funny toddler with a great sense of fun and enthusiasm.  Then I went to work.  He was 15 months at first, and maintained his adorable inquisitive and happy nature...until he didn't.  When he was about 22 months, I began working full time, and have continued at full time up until my last day on August 4th of this year:  two years and two months of being away from my son (who is now 4 years and 3 months old) for almost 10 hours a day, every weekday. Just about half his life.
Therefore, I was deliberate in my attention/time with him at every opportunity because my time was limited, a few hours each evening was all we had together aside from the weekend.  Every moment counted and I measured it out in increments and made each one matter.

Now that I'm with him 24/7 I keep feeling like I need a break, I need some "me time" and time for some "self care" but I don't know how to get it or when it is going to happen, so - without deliberate intention - I have been emotionally disengaging from him (and from everything) as a way to get a break of some kind.  I'm burying myself into scrolling Facebook, checking emails, making lists on Amazon, planning elaborate projects that I will realistically never be able to complete, chatting with friends in a different time zone...and not truly engaging with my son the way I intended, the way I should be, the way he needs me to.

It's a brave choice, what I did, to quit my job and stay home with my hurting son.  And wise - a smart choice - to heal my small boy now, instead of trying to heal him later over scars and thick protective walls.  But it wasn't necessarily thought out very well.  I focused on finances mostly - trying to decide if I actually COULD stay home and still pay my rent and utilities and feed my kids.  Perhaps I should have spent an equal amount of time planning out everything else: how much attention he needs, how much 'me-time' I need, and how to balance those; along with his need for mental stimulation and challenge, and for social interaction, and how I was going to meet all those needs all by myself...or IF I could meet all those needs all by myself.  Today I am wallowing, smack dab, in a pit of self doubt, of worry, of fear...while my beloved boy asks me "why?" and "how come?" and "how?" and "what does that mean?"on a regular basis.  I need time to think about an answer.  But there is no time available.  I need a re-do, a do-over, a fresh start.  There isn't one though.  And that is the whole point of this.  I can't re-do it, not any of it.  I can't just have a "fresh start" or a re-do, I have to just keep going in spite of it all.

So while there is no fresh start, there is this: the ugly messy nitty-gritty dirt of helping a small boy regain trust in adults, relearn boundaries and safety and security, and re-establish hierarchy and rules and the black and white truths that sometimes rules US instead of us ruling them...  and so maybe it is a fresh start after all... 

Monday 9/12; Week 6

When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance.  I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different.  I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar.  Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time.  As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self.  Don't we all?  I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time.  Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.

As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time?  Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him?  Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums?  I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do?  According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you!  But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance.  Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy.  Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time.  We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back.  We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns.  We read signs and labels.  We are doing a pretty good job I think.

This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra.  Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice.  But no blood was shed so I call that a win!  He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week.  I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well.  I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much.  He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!

So here we are.  Week 6.  G doesn't talk about preschool at all.  He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice.  He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities.  Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry.  Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem.  If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?"  Makes me laugh every time!  And we do, though.  We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out.  I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool.  I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living.  There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him!  There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...

Friday 9/2; Day20

We are helpers, it's what we do.
That's what I said to G today.  I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!"  and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"

My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.

This "healing" my son?  Its as much for me as it is for him.  The lesson in it all is this: priority.

I need to take care of G.  I need to heal G.  I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing.  Right now that is G.  I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW.  I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'.  I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there.  I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do.  He needs me.  I need him.  And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.

Bring on Day 21 - I got this!

Thursday 9/1; Day 19

Wednesday was a long and exhausting day of internal battle.

I fought with myself over certain lifestyle choices I've made and the choices I could have made instead.

I fought with demons that I can't seem to shake, who torment me with guilt and doubt and regret.

I fought with my intuition, my obligation, my nature and my nurture...and I fought with my very soul. I also fought with a very small, very fierce, 4 year old.  At the end of it all, there was not a winner, but because the universe is inherently good, there was not a definite loser either.  At the end of it all, every child I was in charge of was asleep in his/her own bed, every adult that mattered was also asleep in his/her own bed (or at least asleep in A bed!), and I managed to get almost 3 full hours of sleep before Thursday arrived.

Thursday dawned grey, damp, and with rain clouds looming.  But the bright, easy, and genuine grin beaming from G's face was all the sun I needed.  After days of tension and struggle, this day was all ours and ours alone.  I smiled as much as he did and we spent a sweet quiet morning snuggling on the couch and reconnecting.  A slow paced trip to the grocery store and the acquisition of a new toy plus the impromptu purchase of usually forbidden hot-dogs made it a total win for G.  He slipped easily into a nap and then when he woke up, he played quietly on his own under the watchful eyes of his big sister while I went to an interview.  Later, he ate like I've never seen - a snack, a full dinner including never before eaten Salmon, and then dessert, and then another two snacks afterward.  We chatted about the next day's activities and the little one we would be nannying together, how we were going to take care of him just for one day, and that he was a little guy who needed a big boy to help take care of him.  A friend of mine had suggested that maybe I take the time to give G a very clear timeline of any nanny gigs to help him process it, to help him understand that it would be a finite experience, that it would have a beginning and an end.  I hope it helps my boy, because what we both went thru the past few days was really hard, and I want to heal my son, not cause him more hurt.

And with that in mind, I am joyfully celebrating a couple of victories tonight.  Grateful for the income that nanny-ing has given us in this fragile time, but knowing it is not ideal for us, for G, I was so grateful to accept the offer of the per-diem night shift position I had applied to before leaving my job.  They called me today as I was on my way home from a different interview for some overnight postpartum doula work I agreed to.  The universe is so openly protecting and providing for me right now that I can hardly bear to acknowledge it for fear of it slipping away like some big teaser.  I try to remind myself that I am the daughter of God, I am a child of the Universe.  I AM value and worth, and my son is deserving of ME - and therefore I am deserving of what God and the universe provide so that I can provide, for him.  And that is the end of Day 19.

Wednesday 8/24; Day 13

I don't really want to talk about Tuesday.  It was not a good day.  G really broke down under the pressure of having the other kids around and there was a travel issue that resulted in us keeping the kids for another full day instead of just a few hours.  G full on was wetting his pants and even pee-ing all over the floor and wall in the bathroom...twice.  The last time he did that was over a year ago when he had just started the daycare where he was mistreated, and after I had gone away for a week to see my brother and G had to stay with his dad for the first time ever.  He just could NOT cope. Not then, and not now. It was a very long day.  The 5 yr old pee'd in G's car-seat late Monday night after our Chinese food dinner.  I don't mean he wet his pants a little cuz he couldn't hold it, that seat was soaked through and half  way up the back. The kid flooded it!   I took it in stride in the moment, needing to buy another car seat soon anyway, but from late Monday night thru Tuesday, there was just so much pee..  I might have cried a little.

Today, on the other hand, was such a good day.  The universe graced us with something to treasure after that hard stretch.  I am so grateful.

I had an interview at my old job for a per-diem nights position which would be perfect.  G would sleep while I was gone, either at his dads or at home with big sister H, and about 6 shifts a month would keep me afloat financially.  It was in a department that is closely tied to the one I just left so I already know about 1/2 of the staff and as I was touring the unit with the manager, I got to exchange 'hello's' and 'good to see you's' with several doctors/nurses/admins.  It was fun.  Then I spent another hour visiting my friends from when I worked there.  I miss those friends so much.  Their support for my decision to leave and take care of G was really heart warming and helped me feel really good about my choice.

When I got home, G was still chillin' in his pj's and watching tv with H.  I had left strict instructions that he could just do what he wanted, no need for getting dressed or limiting tv and H took me at my word.  She hadn't gotten dressed either!  G and I had some lunch together and then we took a nap together.  I was a little worried about him, his face looked kind of drawn and pale and his eyes looked heavy.  He was either getting sick, or was still stressed out from the past few days.  He giggled and talked and snuggled and kissed his way thru the first 10 minutes of laying down with me and then he passed out and snored for almost 2 hours.  I slept too - as I said back on day 9 - social interactions can drain me and a nap is usually in order afterwards.

When we woke up, I could see that G looked so much better.  He just needed the nap and the snuggles.  I figured some fun time was in order so we decided to have an adventure.  We got dressed in play clothes and decided on a "hike".  Some of you might see small kids hiking actual mountain trails but for me and G, a walk on the nice flat paved rail trail is more our speed, especially when we planned for an ice cream afterward!  We drove to the local rail trail head and G carried his 'stuffy bear' and the water, and a couple of important toys in his bat man string bag because...well, you never know when you might need your stuffy bear or your blue marble or your transformer guy.

Walking hand in hand with my sweet sweet boy was such a healing activity for us.  He chatted and chatted and chatted and I let his voice wash over me in waves.  His little hand in mine was like a weight that grounded me to reality, and purpose, and intention.  The solid crunch - crunch - crunch of our feet on the gravel road was a backdrop to some other music being made by our conversation.  It was awesome.  We collected some acorns and decided they looked like little heads wearing caps.  Later on we drew faces on them and made a family.  We found a large strip of white beech bark that was cool and we added that to our collection.  We saw little hidey-holes at the bases of some trees where chipmunks (or snakes or alligators or dinosaurs maybe!) lived, and listened to the different sounds of crickets and cicadas and birds all around us.

Underlying all of this beautiful time though, was the increasing fear prickling at my senses.  A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in broad daylight, on a sunny afternoon, a few miles from me, and all in about a 3 hour timespan of when she went missing to when she was found.  It was a horrible horrible crime and I've been sort of irrationally fearful ever since.  As soon as G and I started walking I started thinking about it.  Started thinking about this woman, abducted in broad daylight on a populated road where she'd been jogging, and how alone I was, there with G.  Also, I had inadvertantly chosen a side trail, a dirt bike trail, and not the paved and populated walking trail so it was deserted, which I didn't know until much later.  While I felt a little creeped out, I was ok until a bicyclist came by.  I made eye contact with the guy, and had my 'serious' face on, and kept my eyes on him the entire time but G was all smiles. "Hi guy! Hiiii!" and waving.  Biker guy smiles and replies.  All I can think is: he's not sweating, shouldn't he be sweating?why isn't he sweating?what if he's not really a biker?  But he kept going up the hill and all I could do is start praying.  I prayed for protection, but also for peace of mind.  I do not want my happy friendly boy to start being fearful of strangers.  I want him to be cautious, but I want to keep that spirit of open friendliness in him.  Its not my nature really, I am naturally fearful and cautious, so I adore and value his enjoyment of others.  I like that in his character.  But as a single woman alone on a deserted trail, I was scared.  As G and I walked, my inner alarms were going off like crazy but I still felt really responsible for creating a sense of peace for G.  It was exhausting to do that much battle internally.  I wonder if that is a feeling he used to have everyday at daycare (or even during our time with the nanny kids): the struggle of knowing how to behave, and the fear of what could happen if he didn't behave, combined with not always knowing how OTHER kids were going to behave and therefore change the circumstances, and how little control he had over it.  It take a tremendous amount of energy to carry that.  As we reached the start of the trail, I saw the actual paved trail off to the left and had a moment of "duh!".  G wanted to explore that one too, so off we went.  I might be scared, but I'm also brave.  I think the concept I adhere to is that being brave is being scared but doing something anyway.  I also like to think that everytime I'm brave, I'm setting an example for G.

When we finally made it back to the car.  I asked G what was the best part of our walk and he said two things: walking along the 'clifft' (yep, cliffT!) and seeing the bike riders.  He particularly liked the "three wheeled bike" we saw, a recumbent bike being ridden by an older man who did NOT look like he enjoyed it.

An ice cream was our next stop and sitting outside in the sunshine while G became progressively covered in chocolate ice cream was probably my favorite part of the day.  Being safe, being happy, being together, sharing something so simple and just watching my son greet every person that walked by us on their way to get their own ice cream was such a treasure to my heart.  Thank you universe, and God, and angels, for keeping us safe.

My boy went to sleep tonight after dinner and a long warm tubby, and said, "this was my bestest day in forever!".  Mine too pal, mine too.

Day Four(ish) - and the story of why...

Tuesday was day two.  At some point it ended, as all days eventually do.  We didn't get to accomplish any of the important things on our list, but we acquired a lizard.  Accidentally.  Sort of.  Its a long story involving Amazon Prime, UPS, an electronic delivery for H and a rush to leave the house for a last minute call to work, and G screaming, "A Lizard! A Lizard!"   It culminated in a trip to Petco.  Because...well...because G named it Liz and then what else could I do but buy it a cage and some crickets? And then we went to bed. When we woke up, it was Wednesday, Liz was still alive and in captivity, and everything seemed right with the world.  And that is how it goes I think, this thing called "life".

Wednesday was day three.  Day three was a day it was too wet to play, so we stayed in the house all the humid, hot, day (thank you Dr. Suess)  No, not really, not ALL day...but kind of.   It rained hard, which we desperately needed, and so we played with playdough and made messes, and played in the big boxes that Amazon and UPS had delivered the previous day (no more lizards thank goodness!) and then finally we clambered into the car so H could practice driving.

Practice is a funny word to use for driving.  I mean, its not like you can make a mistake, like, say, get in a wreck, and then just "undo" it and start over.  No, no, driving doesn't work that way.  Just saying.  But we did it.  I mean, we practiced, not got in a wreck...so we practiced not getting in a wreck?  H drove and I breathed and it was fine.  We shopped at a far away Trader Joes (because momma needed a little "Two Buck Chuck" after that drive) and then dropped G off to visit with his daddy, and then H drove home again, in a torrential downpour complete with blinding sun glare and rush hour traffic. We were very glad to get home.  Both of us equally.  When G came back later on, we were both deep in our own electronic devices just decompressing from the "practice".  And then we went to bed. When we woke up it was Thursday, Liz was still alive and captive, and everything seemed right with the world.  I'm sensing a pattern here.

Today is Thursday.  It is (was?) DAY FOUR. My fourth day of being a stay at home mom.  I've been here before, but just not with THIS kid. It's not unfamiliar to me, but it's entirely different all at the same time.  This is the story of why...

I have 3 other kids, the youngest of whom is 18 and I was at home with her all her entire elementary school years before I started working, at home with her and her two older siblings.  I was home, married, driving a minivan and going to play dates and PTA meetings, and running kids to soccer and karate and tee-ball.  Until.  Until I wasn't.

When G came along, I was a single mom, working hard at two jobs for minimum wage. I utilized a food bank.  I had food stamps and WIC.  I got assistance for heat and utilities.  He was 16 months old when I finally got a good, stable, well paying job.  I was so grateful for that job!  I was proud of my work, of my employer, of how well I was doing, proud of paying my own way and not using assistance of any kind.  When G was just turning 3 I moved him from the small home daycare he was at because I thought he was bored... I found a great preschool with a science and nature based curriculum with outdoor trails and a really good balance of social skills and academics.  The director had been running it for so long, that I actually knew her from when my older kids had gone to some summer camp programs she ran.  How much safer could it get?  Apparently a lot.  I'm not really sure of the whole story, but as best I can tell, that person had a problem with G and began to take out her frustrations with him physically.  I know she used her fingers to "thump" or "flick" him on the head,  I know she grabbed his arm and forced him into a chair, to bully him into her office, to pull him... I know she shook him, by his shoulders.   I know she bent down and got right in his face and made a "mad face"...and I know she used her hand to grab my baby's cheeks in between her thumb and other fingers and "pinch" or "squeeze".  G used the word "punch" but he demonstrated a "pinch"... I hope it was only a pinch.

For seven months my boy was there - seven months before I understood what was happening, seven months of being mistreated by an adult, of being told by ME to "try harder buddy" and "you have to listen to your teacher" and "you just have to behave".  Seven months before I actually HEARD my boy and understood what he was trying to tell me.  I will never stop hurting for those months.

I pulled G out of that center in one swift moment - it was a dark winter night after picking him up as usual, but when he relayed some instance from the day it was like a light bulb switching on for me.  One moment from the back seat, safely snug in his $300 European carseat (because no expense was too great when it came to keeping him safe - oh the irony...) and he was done there.  I left a message on their answering machine, cancelled the check I'd just written for the 'two weeks in advance, payable the Monday prior to the two weeks time frame', called the licensing board, and never looked back.

It was a rocky 3 weeks before I found him a new place.  My boss was accommodating and patient, but I could see her generosity running out by the last week.  The new place was fresh, and bright, with open rooms and a director/teacher who had also had her own child mistreated somewhere...surely she would 'get it'.  And I think she did, to the extent she could.  But my G? He was a little too bruised in the spirit.  A little broken in the feelings of "trust" and "safety".  And he wasn't gonna take shit from no one!

It took another 7 months of hard times, of behaviors and infractions and modifications, of being sent home...before I could choose to listen to the fact that he needed ME.  He needed me to be with him all the time, to be the one to set the limits and enforce them.  He needed me to show him, tangibly, that he was safe.  That he was a good boy, a loved boy, and that he could make friends and have friends and that he could trust his momma to BE there to keep him safe, even when he didn't behave appropriately.  Because when you are 4? Sometimes you don't behave appropriately.  Sometimes even when you are an adult you don't behave appropriately...but I need to be the one to be there when that happens, because even if I get frustrated, even if I yell, I will always keep him safe.  I will not hurt his body, his trust, his faith.  So I quit my job and am staying home to take care of my son.  He is hurt in the deepest place inside and there is nothing that can heal it save love...and patience...and the every day efforts of rebuilding trust and a deep faith in safety.  That's what I'm here for.

So on today, day four, we hung out in our pj's.  We had pancakes for breakfast because G asked for them.  We ate cheese-sticks and crackers with pink lady apples for lunch and G tried snow peas and decided they were pretty good.  Almost as good as carrots, maybe.  We sat outside, zipped up inside our mosquito netted canopy in the sweltering humid New England evening, safe from mosquito's, and played Old Maid by the light of citronella candles and our own love.  We ate peanut butter sandwiches and read The Cat In The Hat.  He was on his Kindle too much, but thats ok.  There is a balance to everything and today was a day for electronics and carbohydrates and simple entertainment.  Tomorrow is another chance to do bigger things.  Today? Today was just perfect.

Day Two

Yesterday was the first full day I was a stay-at-home-mom (sahm).  I guess in the overall scheme of things, it went exactly as planned.  That is, to say, that it didn't, at all.

We ended up driving my ex's daughter, J2, from his house where she'd stayed the night, to her home an hour away with both G and H included in the ride.  *two teenage girls, loud music, singing along and being recorded, and much much much laughter* Once we reached our destination, we made a brief detour to a candy store because, well, candy.  Finally we drove home with the hope to make it in time to get H home to change for work, get her TO work, and then for G and I to make it to a semi-playdate/semi-interview.  We made it all on time but with less grace and finesse than I'd hoped for.

The playdate/interview was for a short term nanny position that will take care of next months rent. So it is pretty critical for us. It didn't go well mostly because G was about as prickly and thorny and ill mannered as a tired, hot, bored four year old can be so I was mutually irritated and embarrassed which made me awkward and inept.  But it was the third time we've all met together so maybe it wasn't so bad that the other mom got to see us in less than prime behavior. Now she knows!

Griff fell asleep in the car around 5pm, unexpectedly as he'd already napped once on our way back from dropping J2 at her house, and slept thru the transfer from car seat to the house to the couch, slept thru falling off the couch about an hour after that, and continued to sleep until just after 7pm.  Hm.  Maybe that was why he acted like a feral jungle child at our playdate?  I knew this 'nap' was going to ruin the evening and mean he'd probably be awake until 11pm, but then again, I didn't have to get up early for work and he didn't have to get up early for daycare so a late night and sleeping in the next day is no longer an issue, can I get an Amen?

He went to bed a little after 10pm and fell asleep right away and was up around 7:30 this morning which felt reasonable and not at all as bad as I'd imagined.  But, all of that was yesterday.  Today is a new day!

We made a King Arthur Flour recipe for Baking Soda Biscuits this morning.  There was flour everywhere.  I am really not exaggerating in the slightest.  Flour.  Everywhere.

Flour, a bowl, a spatula, and a four year old is really not an efficient combination.  However, I didn't feel irritated like I might have in the past, nor did I take over and do it all myself while muttering under my breath.  I didn't sigh with exasperation and G didn't cry or feel disappointed all because I was in a hurry.  This time I didn't have to worry about getting it cleaned up before work or before I went to bed late at night, didn't have to worry about it getting on my clothes, so it was just...part of the total experience.  The smile stretching his mouth and making his eyes crinkle though, and the light in his eyes while he smooshed butter into the flour with his little fingers made all the emotions well up inside my heart like filling a glass full of ice cold water on a hot dry day.  His running commentary (4's talk a LOT!) was so awesome - sometimes humorous, sometimes enlightened, sometimes off the wall and sometimes he was just talking to the spatula.  He may not remember this moment in another week, even I may not remember this exact moment or the feelings of love that bubbled up and threatened to spill out of my eyes, but I know it went one step further towards healing his spirit.

Today promises to be full of the unplanned.  Oh, I have a list alright.  Yard work, a haircut for G, and some long distance drive practice for H...and I might clean up some of that flour thats on my floor, and on the table, and dusted on the wall...or not.

On a practical note, I'm watching my budget but I'm not being as careful with it as I should be.  I want to have some fun with G - I don't want my staying home with him to be a punishment for either of us when the goal is to heal his spirit.  So I'm stepping out entirely in faith that God will be watching over us and getting us thru this time financially as well as emotionally.  I have my savings and I know we are ok thru October and I know I can plan ahead a little but I am not going to be frantic about it.  I trust God.  I trust the universe.  I trust in goodness.  I trust that taking care of my child who is hurting is the very thing I am supposed to be doing.  Please, if I forget that?  Remind me.