Renewed

For someone as wordy as am, who used to write daily, who is frequently on social media and truly has a need for connection with others based on conversation, I find myself becoming more and more speechless as time goes by.  I'm more often censoring my own words and thoughts.  Not that I have less of them, oh no, my thoughts are plentiful!  I'm caught up, however, in the act of trying to decide what matters, what will make an impact or be dismissed, what will make someone pause, feel pain, roll their eyes, be angry, or even try to get me to change something or delete something... or want me to agree that I am wrong about some feeling or thought.  That happens, even to me, who now writes so very little. It makes the act of writing, and talking, so treacherous.  I came across a quote the other day that made me stop in my tracks.  I had an "ah-ha!" moment over it.

I discovered "gaslighting" just about 6 years ago.  Someone sent me an article about it and as I read the article I was struck with a feeling of both dread and conviction.  I had chills, my face flushed hot, I felt nauseous.  I was having a panic attack just reading the article that described something so significant about my entire life.  This explains Gaslighting... 
Parents do to their children, and spouses do to their partners.  Alcoholics and addicts do to anyone. Employers do it.  Sometimes alcoholic parents do it to their children and those children grow up to be adults that have spouses that do it, partly because its what feels normal to them.  Sometimes those adults figure it out and somehow free themselves from the shadow of this abuse and begin to live theirs lives in authenticity and honesty. Or they at least try.

It's hard to recover from a lifetime of trauma - of living under the power of gaslighting.  I see it when it happens now; I see it when it happens in interactions with co-workers or with an employer or out in everyday circumstances, I see it when someone tells me about an interaction they had that didn't feel right.  I try to make sure it's not happening TO my child, that I'm not doing it out of conditioning.  I work hard to be obvious.  When I'm tired, or stressed, or worried, it's even harder to notice, to be aware of, to avoid.  When I saw the words someone else had written in a quote the other day it was like a splash of cold water to my sleep-walking self. 

"The thing about trauma is that it will have you gaslighting yourself when real shit goes down because you have learned that your feelings aren't to be trusted"

Man that hit home.  I think back to all the times I've gone to a friend or my therapist and asked, "tell me, is this feeling even valid?  Is this thought process worthwhile or am I being over-sensitive / dramatic / ridiculous / self-absorbed / crazy" (or any of the other adjectives I carry in my self-sabotaging arsenal).  Nearly every single time, it is validated for me that I AM seeing things clearly and having an appropriate feeling or thought.  Occasionally I will be shown other ways to think about it, but I am usually doing a fine job of being in reality these days. 

When I am feeling my best, feeling my "lady-balls" as someone special likes to call it, I am confident and sure enough to say what I think and feel what I feel without apology.  I have better relationships with others, I am a better listener and communicator. 

When I am under stress, worried, conflicted, or up against something I am unsure of however, all bets are off.  I become a gaslighter to myself.  I doubt, I second-guess, I waffle, I apologize, I stuff feelings and emotions and thoughts, I twist my own words and scorn my own feelings.  I speak harshly to myself.  I switch back and forth between what I feel and think to what I THINK I should feel and think and it gets very messy, very chaotic, and it hurts.  It hurts my relationships with others as well as my own self.

I hereby make the commitment to stop doing this to myself.
I'm going back to the beginning.  Back to when I focused on balance, on God and the universe presenting opportunity for learning and leaning and grounding and growing.  I'm going back to believing in myself, to feeling my feelings and not doubting their true-ness.  I am facing a lot of things I am unsure of, a lot of new opportunities, a lot of choices, and I'm tired of fighting against myself.  I trust that I will sometimes be wrong and that there will be forgiveness and mercy available when I own those moments as mine.  I trust that I will sometimes be right, and there will be gentle acceptance and reward when I claim those moments as mine.  I know sometimes that the forgiveness and mercy will be just out of reach and I will have to find it within myself, for myself.  That will be hard.  I can do hard things though.  My sweet 22 year old son just reminded me of that a few nights ago.  So goodbye to self-gaslighting.  Hello, again, to me...