Today was... a really, REALLY, shitty day.
I slept restlessly after forcing myself to turn off all electronics, lights, and sound at 10:30 pm, and then was up with the alarm at 3:45 am...because, well, WORK. That is, for all intents and purposes (or: intensive purposes; or: in tents and porpoises; if you are of those natures) a total of 5 hours and 15 minutes of actual sleep. Had I actually SLEPT, if you will. So, I maybe averaged a couple of solid hours somewhere in the middle and towards the end of all that.
When the alarm went off at 3:45 I was almost grateful for the permission to get up and out of bed. I started the day, before my feet hit the ground, thanking the universe for my job, for my physical ability to do it, for my mental ability to do it, for the sleep I got (such that it was) and beseeching the powers that be (yo God! Howya doin'??) to be with me in my day and to also be with my family, and #someonespecial. I did see a glorious sunrise on my drive into work and my heart was full. Cue the dope-slap upside my preshus lil' noggin...bless my heart!
I have a new job. Not news...but I am working a day shift, and a very EARLY day shift that is slightly outside of traditional shift hours: like all the truly imperative back door workers! I mean, do you think the actual doctors just show up at the hospital and then plan out who to operate on, who comes first, who has coverage, or who is first and who is last and who didn't show up and who showed up 2 hours early without insurance? Yeah... not a thing. So. My new job. Early. Important...ish. New skills, new management, new co workers, new...vibe. New...did I mention new management? Sigh.
It was a really, really, really shitty day. Some days are like that. Even in, oh... Canada. I mean, maybe... eh? I cried by 8:30 am; for the first time anyway. Oh Canada... do you cry that early too?
Tonight to soothe myself, I got my nails prettied up (cuz when work starts that early, you get OUT of work early also!) then picked up the babysitter (a very tolerant 13 year old whom I pay a kings ransom to) to relieve my underappreciated almost adult daughter (aka Hannah-the-Hero) and while Gman and Wonder-girl played, I made a trip to the local overpriced grocery store and got the fixin's for a special meal just for myself, and a frozen pizza for the short people. Short-er people. Just sayin'.
I sated myself on mozzarella, fresh basil, and my own homegrown tomatoes slathered in balsamic vinegar and a rich and tasty olive oil; and a deep, rich, velvety red wine blend. I ate and ate and... ate more. I licked my plate: no, really, I literally and actually and definitively "licked" my plate; because I was at home, bra-less, and in bare feet and cut off shorts... I mean, it seemed appropriate. But don't tell anyone cuz it might ruin my pristine image! And while I was at the store buying that mozzarella and the wine, I happened upon a discount florist table. *backstory ensues*
All my years in the past, all 40+++ ahem of them... I have killed, maimed, destroyed, and devastated every known houseplant. I have killed the unkillable. I have caused fatal damage to the hearty, to the tolerant, to the...yea even to the false and silk variety. I am ashamed. However, since my grand move of late to this odd second floor/attic level 2 story apartment, I have managed to not just keep, but cause to THRIVE, a handful of destitute and sad flora and fauna. No, I'm serious, all Orchids aside, it must be the exact placement of my dining room window whereupon a handful of previously decrepit (and now thriving) plantlings sit - because I am actually keeping foliage alive and even watching them GROW.
So tonight, in my despair, while mozzarella and wine purchases were happening, I also purchased a new bit of greenery. It was a slightly disheveled little wilty bit, with a tag declaring it was a "Prayer Plant". How could I resist? It was less than a gallon of milk, less even than the bit of Mozzarella I was splurging on. It was a Prayer Plant... was there any other logical option but "purchase"???
I bought it.
I named it.
It is, thus forth, "Lucy".
Oh right, did I mention we'd recently watched the Chronicles of Narnia? No? oh, huh, well... we did. And so... Lucy, Lucy the Valiant. Lucy, who wants to be beautiful and powerful... and actually IS although she just doesn't know it. So today, to offset the shittiness and general crapola, I am focusing on Lucy the Valiant, my newest resident and bit of joy...and my personal goal.
I am focusing on valiant-cy. Is that a word? I say it should be...valiancy. I will be valiant. I will be quiet and determined (although sometimes weepy!) and I will hold growth and joy in my heart. Well, as often as I can at least! And as I bid this shitty day goodbye, I remain steadfastly secure in my gratitude for my job, and for the side hustle that has me transcribing late into the night, and still asking for protection and blessings on my family and on #someonespecial, and trusting the universe (yo! God! you there?) to provide.
Lucy and I, and Gman and Wonder-girl, and Hannah-the-hero all wish you at least a moment of Valiancy, of truth, of bravery, of beauty and trust and glorious sunrise and tangy balsamic vinegar and sweet home grown tomato...of balance. Go... in peace, with God, in light, and in knowledge you are covered by Lucy's infinite love.
Showing posts with label New Experiences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Experiences. Show all posts
July 9, 2018
August 1, 2017
August again; 1 year later
Last year I was just turning in my badge at work, cleaning off my desk, and preparing to leave my full time job to stay home with G after what had been a very hard year for him.
The past 12 months have been filled with journeys and travels I never planned on or prepared for, some I didn't even know I was taking until I'd come back, changed by the entire experience. G has traveled his own path as well, with tremendous growth. This past year has allowed both of us to leave behind the anxiety and insecurities we brought into it. We both are more settled, calmer at our core, and stronger. Sitting down to write this feels less like chalking up another month gone by, and more like having a whole new blog to write. There is excitement ahead for both of us and I fully intend for both of us to embrace all of it.
Today I registered the Gman for Kindergarten. It was a hard decision for me to make and I fretted over it for months. Having just turned 5, I could have held him back for a year to let him grow into himself a little more. He still struggles with good social skills among his peers but this boy is also reading, doing math, and his busy busy brain is bored. I can't really teach him the social skills he will learn in school, and the child wants desperately to go. So he'll go. Today we drove to his school, a place where he has gone to play in the playground and to ride his bike around the walkways and has some familiarity with. He was so excited, and yes, nervous too. It felt very anticlimactic to me, personally, after all the worrying I'd done. We walked in, met the principal, handed over our paperwork, and that was it. Done. G skipped back to the car, buckled up his own car seat straps, and chatted all the way home like he usually does. It felt so normal. That is the life we are excited to have - normal.
I had a hard adjustment coming back from Hawaii. It wasn't just the post-vacation blues, it was more. I was heartbroken, and missing my family. The time that I'd spent with my brothers, my nephew, and some old friends, had made me so acutely aware of what I was missing in my life. It also made me equally aware of what my future was looking like and how much I did not enjoy the view. I felt very unbalanced, very lonely, and shaken to the core with all the uncertainties I was facing in my life. It took some hard work with a great therapist, and I'm pretty sure I caused more than one of my friends to actually roll their eyes by the time I worked through a lot of old trauma as well as a whole new crop of fears, but I did it. I came through a really broken heart and fearful spirit to find a new path for myself. A journey that I am choosing deliberately.
There will always be sadness when I look back at my past, and letting go of hope leaves a discomfort that I'd rather not experience, but none of it has the power to stop me from making a future and being hopeful, unless I let it. I'm not willing to let it derail me though. I can have both: I can feel sad, and I can feel happy and hopeful. It is, as usual, about balance.
It was a long year. A year of battling demons and I wouldn't trade the demons we battled because the lessons we learned were worth it. Just the same? I'm glad to close the door on the past 12 months, and grateful to fling open the door and welcome in everything that the next 12 months will bring. I can't wait to write about it!
The past 12 months have been filled with journeys and travels I never planned on or prepared for, some I didn't even know I was taking until I'd come back, changed by the entire experience. G has traveled his own path as well, with tremendous growth. This past year has allowed both of us to leave behind the anxiety and insecurities we brought into it. We both are more settled, calmer at our core, and stronger. Sitting down to write this feels less like chalking up another month gone by, and more like having a whole new blog to write. There is excitement ahead for both of us and I fully intend for both of us to embrace all of it.
Today I registered the Gman for Kindergarten. It was a hard decision for me to make and I fretted over it for months. Having just turned 5, I could have held him back for a year to let him grow into himself a little more. He still struggles with good social skills among his peers but this boy is also reading, doing math, and his busy busy brain is bored. I can't really teach him the social skills he will learn in school, and the child wants desperately to go. So he'll go. Today we drove to his school, a place where he has gone to play in the playground and to ride his bike around the walkways and has some familiarity with. He was so excited, and yes, nervous too. It felt very anticlimactic to me, personally, after all the worrying I'd done. We walked in, met the principal, handed over our paperwork, and that was it. Done. G skipped back to the car, buckled up his own car seat straps, and chatted all the way home like he usually does. It felt so normal. That is the life we are excited to have - normal.
I had a hard adjustment coming back from Hawaii. It wasn't just the post-vacation blues, it was more. I was heartbroken, and missing my family. The time that I'd spent with my brothers, my nephew, and some old friends, had made me so acutely aware of what I was missing in my life. It also made me equally aware of what my future was looking like and how much I did not enjoy the view. I felt very unbalanced, very lonely, and shaken to the core with all the uncertainties I was facing in my life. It took some hard work with a great therapist, and I'm pretty sure I caused more than one of my friends to actually roll their eyes by the time I worked through a lot of old trauma as well as a whole new crop of fears, but I did it. I came through a really broken heart and fearful spirit to find a new path for myself. A journey that I am choosing deliberately.
There will always be sadness when I look back at my past, and letting go of hope leaves a discomfort that I'd rather not experience, but none of it has the power to stop me from making a future and being hopeful, unless I let it. I'm not willing to let it derail me though. I can have both: I can feel sad, and I can feel happy and hopeful. It is, as usual, about balance.
It was a long year. A year of battling demons and I wouldn't trade the demons we battled because the lessons we learned were worth it. Just the same? I'm glad to close the door on the past 12 months, and grateful to fling open the door and welcome in everything that the next 12 months will bring. I can't wait to write about it!
May 15, 2017
May: month 9/10ish, a trip to Hawaii, and everything we learned...
We took a trip, my little buddy and I, to visit family and to take a little retreat from our daily life and celebrate how far we've come over the past year. We escaped to paradise for two full weeks...Oahu to be exact. Two weeks in the sun and surf, where we woke up every day to throw on bathing suits and sunscreen and do whatever we wanted on our own timeline. Adventure after adventure combined with long lazy hours playing in warm sand and letting the ocean scrub our souls and renew us. Sun to warm our cold New England bones and give us a healthy glow to our skin. It was just as glorious as it sounds and I took a lifetimes worth of photos. We've only been home for 4 days but I can't stop looking over the pictures and dreaming about going back as soon as possible. It might have to be a yearly event! Watching G find the freedom and joy in such unstructured time refreshing. There were some interesting life lessons for both of us in our trip though. The universe likes to keep things in balance as I have come to firmly believe and this trip was no different.
One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself. I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends. None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him. I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent. There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!
We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone! G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance! From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache. The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*
This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you! I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old! We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed. We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses. We had RAIN! There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.
I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago. G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use. We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can. We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it. We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere. He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!) He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe. He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills. My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute. I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life. I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him. This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!
One thing I learned was that I am only as alone in my single-parenthood as I make myself. I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by family but on our vacation I had the extra support of my older brother and my adult nephew as well as a couple of friends. None of whom have any experience with young children. It was interesting to see how these people interacted with G and how they navigated all their own boundaries and expectations with him. I felt overwhelmed at times, trying so hard to make sure my wild little guy behaved appropriately and respected other people and property, teaching him what it meant to be a guest somewhere and how to balance our "relaxation" with being in someone else's house and in their space; but seeing other people play with him in ways I never do and see him figure out how to engage in it and learn new ways of relating to others was a really cool experience for me as a parent. There were times I let down my guard a little, and times I overprotected and 'helicoptered' but I did get to see that it's ok for me to not manage every experience he has with other people, especially family and he learned that not every person is going to baby him and cater to him the way I have the tendency to do, and that it isn't a bad thing!
We had the unique opportunity to experience some good old fashioned emergency room drama also which allowed me to remember how to see the positive in any situation and to remind myself that I can be calm in a crisis and that while I am remarkably strong and independent it was a really good feeling to have my big brother join me at the hospital and to know I wasn't alone! G had the misfortune to fall while we were at the airport, just prior to boarding for our return home - and he broke his arm which got us an ambulance ride to the hospital (our first ever) and we missed our flight and had to rebook it for the following day. The entire situation was a very neatly wrapped package of the universe showing off it's intention for balance! From start to finish, every negative moment was precisely off set by another positive moment to the point that there was almost no moment in time where I felt panic or dread or worry... just amazing gratitude and peace. * As I am typing these very words, I am reminded to seek out the balance in another personal issue in my life that is causing me some heartache. The balance will be there, I just need to be aware of it and acknowledge it's presence. Thanks for the reminder!*
This isn't to say the entire trip was a nirvana of goodness - let me be real with you! I am an average working single mom who traveled 5000 miles with a very average and energetic almost 5 year old! We experienced boredom and crankiness, time change adjustments and picky eating, we had broken rules and consequences to sort out in an unfamiliar environment (and in public) while we were overtired and stressed. We had a budget we had to readjust due to lack of experience with traveling and some unexpected expenses. We had RAIN! There were moments when G's behavior pushed every button I had and drove me to the very brink of my patience, a time when my brother had to step in and get all up in G's face to reprimand him, a time when I cried... but there was never a time that made me wish we weren't on this amazing trip.
I think we are moving on from the trauma that set us on this journey a year and a half ago. G still talks about his experiences at daycare, saying "one school was mean to me and the other school I was kind of mean to them!" and those words are wholly his that he has chosen to use. We talk about how he wasn't "mean" but that he didn't feel safe and was trying to protect himself the only way a 3 and a 1/2 year old can. We talk about how he is safe now, and ways to keep himself safe or out of dangerous situations and how he can now tell me if he isn't safe and that I will fix it. We talk about how when he goes to school in the fall he will need to listen to his teachers and that sometimes you have to follow rules that you don't like to follow but no one gets to hit anyone else just because they don't like the rules and that applies for adults AND children. He has learned how to give an apology that is sincere. He has been to gymnastics class and learned that even when you don't follow directions, adults don't hit you (but that mom gets really disappointed and gives consequences!) He's been to the doctor (and the emergency room!) and experienced his own capacity for calming himself and that discomfort doesn't mean you aren't safe. He'll go to day camp this summer and work on some social skills. My G is impulsive, but he's also creative and smart and thinks a gazillion miles a minute. I have a feeling that making friends is going to be challenging for him at times but I trust in the balance of this universe and that his natural kindness and humor will draw the right kinds of friends into his life. I've been worried about sending him to Kindergarten this year and am closer to making the decision to send him. This trip showed me a lot of his strengths and also a lot of my own. I'm hopeful about what lies ahead of us both!
August 29, 2016
Monday 8/29; Day 16...and balance
In my daily life, I try to focus on balance. Balance good nutrition with ice cream, a late night with a next day nap, sadness and grief with some joy and laughter. If you pay attention enough, you'll recognize the ebb and flow of each day and then when things feel really bad for whatever reason, you can hold onto the knowledge that the balance of it all will return. It helps me to get thru those tough times, to know that something smoother is just around the corner. However, I tend to forget that when things are smooth and pretty, there's usually some storms brewing ahead. Thank you universe!
Saturday night at dinner I served meals to two of my own kiddos (G and H) and the two that I'm nannying, plus J (G's dad). Six people total. And, let me remind you, this was not some special planned dinner party! It was one mom feeding a rotating cast of offspring on a hot, summer night. I pulled off two vegetarian plates, one gluten free/salicylate free plate, one picky eater plate, and food enough for all. We all sat at the table together and ate and talked and shared and there was a moment of absolute completeness in my heart (save for the fact I was missing two others of my own, plus a couple of J's kids) but it just felt full and sweet and safe and like it was supposed to be exactly the way it was. I said many many words of gratitude in my mind. And my imagination is running wild with this joy and with how to recreate it in the future.
and then there's the balance...
I have been frustrated with some of G's behaviors lately. They mostly seem to be when the nanny-kids are around. One person said maybe it was a jealousy issue. I don't think so, but I'm not discounting it entirely. I feel more like it's related to trust and safety - about how much G trusts me and feels safe with me overall, and somehow when I am in charge of more children, he begins to feel threatened somehow, or maybe his inability to be flexible creates conflict and THEN he feels fear about how that will play out without trust in me to navigate it appropriately? This ultimately manifests in behaviors where he argues with everything I say and really tries to be in control of everything he can and then gets irrationally upset when he is not in charge. Also? Everything in life is nooooot fairrrrrrrr; just in case you were wondering. It's not fair that sometimes he can't be in charge of who is allowed to talk and what the topic is. The sky isn't blue, its not, it's not at all. And it isn't only 2:00 in the afternoon, it isn't, no, no it's not at ALL, the clock is wrong, it's NOT FAIR. It is mentally exhausting, for both of us. Honestly, it exhausts me and makes it really hard to enjoy any time with him because its such a barrage and onslaught of negativity that when he IS being the sweet and tender boy that I know, I'm still seething and irritated as hell. Oh Universe, are you still laughing? Of course you are... This nanny gig is one loooong stretch.
These behaviors are only obvious and having an impact when the nanny kids are around, the rest of the time he is his usual sweet, funny self. And thus, I remain perplexed.
The reason I think it has to do with trust and feeling safe is because these kinds of behaviors were new to him and popped up after he'd been in the daycare center where he was mistreated. The Child Protective Services program (where I was directed to once I figured out he was being hurt) said that those kinds of oppositional behaviors toward a parent are typical in abuse situations and can stem from a child losing trust in the adult who sent them into the situation where they were hurt. Ugh. So, yes, my son lost trust in my ability to keep him safe. I am a loser. The truth hurts. As soon as I pulled him from that place, however, I saw a distinct lessening of those behaviors and he started getting calmer, sweeter, and more cooperative, and more affectionate. It was a sweet time, although it was very brief. Once I'd found a new place for him to go to, a lot of those behaviors began surfacing again. I do temper my observation with the fact that he is often easily overwhelmed, gets tired and over stimulated quickly, and needs a lot of 'alone time'; however those negative and distrustful behaviors went beyond the exceptions.
I took him to a therapist. I talked to his pediatrician (for the record, she is the same pedi ALL my kids have had, a very trusted female, mom, and professional whom I've had positive difference of opinions with and highly value/trust her opinion; and is someone who knows me and my family). I talked to friends, and non-friends, and I researched mental health issues in preschoolers, and in abused kids, and in average kids. I researched my own parenting, my triggers, my habitual responses, how to change my parenting/triggers/habitual responses... and Cheezncrackers!!! Nothing shed light on these particular behaviors then, or now.
So if you have a suggestion, or opinion, or some sort of outside insight? Please... please speak up. Maybe it's just jealousy. pffft.
Anyway... balance. It was awesome, and then it wasn't... and everyday that I nanny these sweet kids, it's the same. There is laughter, and there is frustrated growling. There are battles for control, battles for authority and position, and subdued, penitent cuddles and apologies. There is intense connection tempered by animalistic separation. Oh universe, trusting you is the hardest thing...and when I think of how much I personally believe in and trust my own God, it's even more of a challenge to just throw my hands up and say, "It's all up to you, cuz I have NO power here at all!" But what else can I do that I haven't already tried?
And maybe, somehow, that is in fact the essential point that I need to embrace. Trust. Hope. Believe. Honor. Accept. That's a lot for day 16...and for a 4 year old...
Saturday night at dinner I served meals to two of my own kiddos (G and H) and the two that I'm nannying, plus J (G's dad). Six people total. And, let me remind you, this was not some special planned dinner party! It was one mom feeding a rotating cast of offspring on a hot, summer night. I pulled off two vegetarian plates, one gluten free/salicylate free plate, one picky eater plate, and food enough for all. We all sat at the table together and ate and talked and shared and there was a moment of absolute completeness in my heart (save for the fact I was missing two others of my own, plus a couple of J's kids) but it just felt full and sweet and safe and like it was supposed to be exactly the way it was. I said many many words of gratitude in my mind. And my imagination is running wild with this joy and with how to recreate it in the future.
and then there's the balance...
I have been frustrated with some of G's behaviors lately. They mostly seem to be when the nanny-kids are around. One person said maybe it was a jealousy issue. I don't think so, but I'm not discounting it entirely. I feel more like it's related to trust and safety - about how much G trusts me and feels safe with me overall, and somehow when I am in charge of more children, he begins to feel threatened somehow, or maybe his inability to be flexible creates conflict and THEN he feels fear about how that will play out without trust in me to navigate it appropriately? This ultimately manifests in behaviors where he argues with everything I say and really tries to be in control of everything he can and then gets irrationally upset when he is not in charge. Also? Everything in life is nooooot fairrrrrrrr; just in case you were wondering. It's not fair that sometimes he can't be in charge of who is allowed to talk and what the topic is. The sky isn't blue, its not, it's not at all. And it isn't only 2:00 in the afternoon, it isn't, no, no it's not at ALL, the clock is wrong, it's NOT FAIR. It is mentally exhausting, for both of us. Honestly, it exhausts me and makes it really hard to enjoy any time with him because its such a barrage and onslaught of negativity that when he IS being the sweet and tender boy that I know, I'm still seething and irritated as hell. Oh Universe, are you still laughing? Of course you are... This nanny gig is one loooong stretch.
These behaviors are only obvious and having an impact when the nanny kids are around, the rest of the time he is his usual sweet, funny self. And thus, I remain perplexed.
The reason I think it has to do with trust and feeling safe is because these kinds of behaviors were new to him and popped up after he'd been in the daycare center where he was mistreated. The Child Protective Services program (where I was directed to once I figured out he was being hurt) said that those kinds of oppositional behaviors toward a parent are typical in abuse situations and can stem from a child losing trust in the adult who sent them into the situation where they were hurt. Ugh. So, yes, my son lost trust in my ability to keep him safe. I am a loser. The truth hurts. As soon as I pulled him from that place, however, I saw a distinct lessening of those behaviors and he started getting calmer, sweeter, and more cooperative, and more affectionate. It was a sweet time, although it was very brief. Once I'd found a new place for him to go to, a lot of those behaviors began surfacing again. I do temper my observation with the fact that he is often easily overwhelmed, gets tired and over stimulated quickly, and needs a lot of 'alone time'; however those negative and distrustful behaviors went beyond the exceptions.
I took him to a therapist. I talked to his pediatrician (for the record, she is the same pedi ALL my kids have had, a very trusted female, mom, and professional whom I've had positive difference of opinions with and highly value/trust her opinion; and is someone who knows me and my family). I talked to friends, and non-friends, and I researched mental health issues in preschoolers, and in abused kids, and in average kids. I researched my own parenting, my triggers, my habitual responses, how to change my parenting/triggers/habitual responses... and Cheezncrackers!!! Nothing shed light on these particular behaviors then, or now.
So if you have a suggestion, or opinion, or some sort of outside insight? Please... please speak up. Maybe it's just jealousy. pffft.
Anyway... balance. It was awesome, and then it wasn't... and everyday that I nanny these sweet kids, it's the same. There is laughter, and there is frustrated growling. There are battles for control, battles for authority and position, and subdued, penitent cuddles and apologies. There is intense connection tempered by animalistic separation. Oh universe, trusting you is the hardest thing...and when I think of how much I personally believe in and trust my own God, it's even more of a challenge to just throw my hands up and say, "It's all up to you, cuz I have NO power here at all!" But what else can I do that I haven't already tried?
And maybe, somehow, that is in fact the essential point that I need to embrace. Trust. Hope. Believe. Honor. Accept. That's a lot for day 16...and for a 4 year old...
August 27, 2016
August 27; Day Whatever
I don't even know.
I can't even.
I just...ugh.
So there's that... at least...
I think we stayed in pajamas until 2 or 3 pm on Thursday. I totally lost track of the day. I guess it isn't necessarily bad to do that once in awhile, but the pull to do this same thing every day is strong, and THAT is not healthy either physically or mentally. At some point in the day I noticed G being a little restless. So we got dressed and went out to pick up the new car seat we had ordered online for store pick up. We did that, and dropped H off at work, and then came home and put together the new car seat only to realize that it was NOT the right seat for us...and we planned on a return to the store for an exchange. We had also ordered internet service, with H (and FOR H) earlier in the day, so we wrote those dates on our calendar as "big events". I don't even know what we ate for dinner, probably something supremely healthy like cheesesticks and yogurt and saltines...with a side of carrots. Or something like that.
Later on we picked H up from work and then we went to bed. Just another day, just another day in paradise...
Friday was different. Late on Thursday I had connected with an online friend and made plans to meet up with her on Friday for the first time. So Friday morning we woke up and got moving early and quickly! It was a lovely sunny drive on backroads, with sightings of wild turkeys, pig farms, horses and cows, and overall incredible views. Meeting up with someone who is essentially a stranger but yet who has heard you rant and vent and express emotion all over the interwebs can have an awkward lead up to someone as introverted as me. I admit to all kinds of worry and a distinct denial of emotion as a coping method. But then...reality!
Meeting someone I only know online was such fun! Seeing someone live and in person vs Facebook pictures was amazingly seamless and without any awkwardness at all! There were hugs, and laughter, and a communal joy at seeing our boys connect and become partners in crime immediately. Introducing her spouse and my tag-a-long adult daughter eased any tension as well; we were just two women, with wild children and tag a long family members, who connected over shared global perceptions and non-judgemental hearts. It was a great experience...
It was a long day though, and after coming home, dropping H off to work, returning the carseat and buying groceries, we got home in time to pick H back up from work and then devolve into the crankiness of underfed, overtired, too-taxed energy levels, and hormonal women. The day started great, ended very poorly, but overall balanced out well for everyone. Playtime, work time, errand time, and all the detritus in between.
We were all glad to go to sleep on Friday night, with hopes and dreams for a brighter Saturday!
G had such a balance of fun, boredom, interest, irritation and frustration, excitement and stimuli, and even some sadness. And all of those emotions/feelings happened WITH me and with my guidance/boundary setting, and my supervision. I did a good job. I was NOT perfect, ohhhhh no, in fact, I was FAR from perfect, but I was THERE. That matters. That matters a LOT. A lot more than perfection I think, just being there for him was a critical development.
So I'm grateful. Grateful for balance, grateful for being able to 'be there' for my son. Grateful for new friends and new experiences. I'm grateful for being with H as well as G and grateful I had the ability to move my body, drive a significant distance, walk a significant amount of steps, and feel love and acceptance.
Friday and day 15; the end of two full weeks of being at home with my son... and all I feel is gratitude...and exhaustion!
I start my nanny gig again Saturday evening. Wish me luck!
I can't even.
I just...ugh.
So there's that... at least...
I think we stayed in pajamas until 2 or 3 pm on Thursday. I totally lost track of the day. I guess it isn't necessarily bad to do that once in awhile, but the pull to do this same thing every day is strong, and THAT is not healthy either physically or mentally. At some point in the day I noticed G being a little restless. So we got dressed and went out to pick up the new car seat we had ordered online for store pick up. We did that, and dropped H off at work, and then came home and put together the new car seat only to realize that it was NOT the right seat for us...and we planned on a return to the store for an exchange. We had also ordered internet service, with H (and FOR H) earlier in the day, so we wrote those dates on our calendar as "big events". I don't even know what we ate for dinner, probably something supremely healthy like cheesesticks and yogurt and saltines...with a side of carrots. Or something like that.
Later on we picked H up from work and then we went to bed. Just another day, just another day in paradise...
Friday was different. Late on Thursday I had connected with an online friend and made plans to meet up with her on Friday for the first time. So Friday morning we woke up and got moving early and quickly! It was a lovely sunny drive on backroads, with sightings of wild turkeys, pig farms, horses and cows, and overall incredible views. Meeting up with someone who is essentially a stranger but yet who has heard you rant and vent and express emotion all over the interwebs can have an awkward lead up to someone as introverted as me. I admit to all kinds of worry and a distinct denial of emotion as a coping method. But then...reality!
Meeting someone I only know online was such fun! Seeing someone live and in person vs Facebook pictures was amazingly seamless and without any awkwardness at all! There were hugs, and laughter, and a communal joy at seeing our boys connect and become partners in crime immediately. Introducing her spouse and my tag-a-long adult daughter eased any tension as well; we were just two women, with wild children and tag a long family members, who connected over shared global perceptions and non-judgemental hearts. It was a great experience...
It was a long day though, and after coming home, dropping H off to work, returning the carseat and buying groceries, we got home in time to pick H back up from work and then devolve into the crankiness of underfed, overtired, too-taxed energy levels, and hormonal women. The day started great, ended very poorly, but overall balanced out well for everyone. Playtime, work time, errand time, and all the detritus in between.
We were all glad to go to sleep on Friday night, with hopes and dreams for a brighter Saturday!
G had such a balance of fun, boredom, interest, irritation and frustration, excitement and stimuli, and even some sadness. And all of those emotions/feelings happened WITH me and with my guidance/boundary setting, and my supervision. I did a good job. I was NOT perfect, ohhhhh no, in fact, I was FAR from perfect, but I was THERE. That matters. That matters a LOT. A lot more than perfection I think, just being there for him was a critical development.
So I'm grateful. Grateful for balance, grateful for being able to 'be there' for my son. Grateful for new friends and new experiences. I'm grateful for being with H as well as G and grateful I had the ability to move my body, drive a significant distance, walk a significant amount of steps, and feel love and acceptance.
Friday and day 15; the end of two full weeks of being at home with my son... and all I feel is gratitude...and exhaustion!
I start my nanny gig again Saturday evening. Wish me luck!
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