2018 Recap

Once again I'm noting that it's been too long between blog posts.

Once upon a time I had a blog that I posted to daily, that I had followers on, and I was part of a community; a 'village' of souls who wrote and read and cheered each other on.  Once upon a time I wrote daily as a way to process life and all the curves and winding roads and darkness and brilliance that it has to offer.  Back then I had the time to notice, and then notate, all the noticings.  Now I'm lucky if at the end of the day, I get to notice whether or not I've worn the same pants more than 2 days in a row.  It always feel so good to come back to writing though, it feels like it centers me and ties up all the loose ends.  Sometimes its as if the act of writing creates sense out of all the experiences in any given day.

In March I noted that life was feeling more settled for both Griffin and myself even as I was already anticipating upcoming changes.

In May, I noted that it was going to be a wild ride, that I was "abandoning fear and embracing possibility".  I was right about that - it was, and has been, a wild ride since then.  Tumultuous, frightening, bumpy, exhilarating!  And the friends I've chosen to hold hands with on this journey have proven to be anchors and shorelines and shiny lights in the darker moments.  God has put them all into the little niche's of my life that they've needed to be in, at just the right moments.

In July, I noted that life was about being valiant, about being steadfast and balanced and grateful.  I alluded to struggles in my new job.  It's a work in progress, that whole 'valiant' life thing. *insert ironic chuckle and an eye roll*

As the summer ended I was able to reflect on (but neglected to write about) so many wonderful experiences and moments that I was able to spend with my youngest son, all because of my new job. This time while he is still little sometimes feels so fleeting even when the days sometimes drag on endlessly.  This summer allowed us time we needed to have for playing - just playing and adventuring and sharing time with each other and with my youngest daughter too.  Family time.  This summer was also time just for me.  Time to focus on myself - to go out with friends, to dress up and put on perfume and go on a 'date' and be a grown up - because I had the time available with the new job.  Precious time. I might have been producing less income and that was scary but I was so endlessly grateful that sometimes all I could repeat, over and over in my mind or under my breath, was, "thank you God, thank you God, thank you God".   Money will come, and money will go, but those relationships and the investment of time that I was granted, are irreplaceable.

Then first grade started for G and all that bumpiness and exhilaration, mixed with the need for valiant and steadfast behavior, splashed with gratitude and time, all melted together and we needed to slog thru the days.  We were getting into routines and making new ones and sometimes failing and sometimes rising above, with laughter, and tears all together.  And then it was the end of October, and nearly headed into winter.  G was a first grade boy with two missing teeth who sometimes forgot his lunchbox at school and I was working during the day and at home every evening and life felt...normal.  It was a sweet time for me that was only going to get sweeter.

November was all about balance, although that is totally in hindsight!  Every Thanksgiving since my divorce has been a struggle to redefine tradition and to create something of value and hope and love for my kids.  Funny thing about kids is that they grow and change and leave home and end up creating some traditions of their own!  This year we celebrated with a special friend and his children and mine all together.  There is an awkwardness to spending a holiday as a guest - food is different, expectations are different, and blending the needs and wants of so many people all at once for a holiday can be hard for everyone, even the kids.  This was so peaceful though!  We all had such fun with incredible food and desserts, and crazy board games and really getting to know each other.  It was an evening that left me feeling immensely thankful.  Later in November I was struck hard with the realization that I am pretty alone in this journey right now and it was a painful moment, a little dark spot that reminded me how strong I can be when I have to, and how much gratitude I have for my friends, the help from my older daughter, and my faith.  Balance, man... balance!

I never really feel like January is "the new year"... I always feel like the "year" is from the start of the school year and lasts until the next one starts.  So January is really just a matter of learning to write the new date properly!  Its a continuation of everything we started in September and so we keep plugging along, getting through the days and embracing the forward growth and the learning opportunities as they arise.  The dark and dreary parts of  winter are settling in now that the big holidays are over and we are a little resigned to the months ahead of cold New England.  I'm leaving the job I started last spring that allowed me to work during the day but was unexpectedly not a good fit for me.  In my new position, I'll be able to continue working days and will have better opportunity for additional hours and will be able to work with some old friends which brings me so much joy!  I am deepening relationships, with myself and with my faith and with others as well, and I continue to try and help my little guy grow into himself and to become the whole person he is destined to be. 

Like a lotus flower that blooms again each morning from the murky water, or the sunflower whose bright face follows the sun as it moves across the sky, I will continue trusting in the universe, in God, and in the continuity of balance in my life.

July 2018

Today was... a really, REALLY, shitty day.

I slept restlessly after forcing myself to turn off all electronics, lights, and sound at 10:30 pm, and then was up with the alarm at 3:45 am...because, well, WORK.  That is, for all intents and purposes (or: intensive purposes; or: in tents and porpoises; if you are of those natures) a total of 5 hours and 15 minutes of actual sleep.  Had I actually SLEPT, if you will. So, I maybe averaged a couple of solid hours somewhere in the middle and towards the end of all that. 

When the alarm went off at 3:45 I was almost grateful for the permission to get up and out of bed.  I started the day, before my feet hit the ground, thanking the universe for my job, for my physical ability to do it, for my mental ability to do it, for the sleep I got (such that it was) and beseeching the powers that be (yo God! Howya doin'??) to be with me in my day and to also be with my family, and #someonespecial.  I did see a glorious sunrise on my drive into work and my heart was full. Cue the dope-slap upside my preshus lil' noggin...bless my heart!

I have a new job.  Not news...but I am working a day shift, and a very EARLY day shift that is slightly outside of traditional shift hours: like all the truly imperative back door workers!  I mean, do you think the actual doctors just show up at the hospital and then plan out who to operate on, who comes first, who has coverage, or who is first and who is last and who didn't show up and who showed up 2 hours early without insurance?  Yeah... not a thing.  So.  My new job.  Early.  Important...ish.  New skills, new management, new co workers, new...vibe.  New...did I mention new management?  Sigh. 

It was a really, really, really shitty day.  Some days are like that.  Even in, oh... Canada.  I mean, maybe... eh?  I cried by 8:30 am; for the first time anyway.  Oh Canada... do you cry that early too?

Tonight to soothe myself, I got my nails prettied up (cuz when work starts that early, you get OUT of work early also!)  then picked up the babysitter (a very tolerant 13 year old whom I pay a kings ransom to) to relieve my underappreciated almost adult daughter (aka Hannah-the-Hero) and while Gman and Wonder-girl played, I made a trip to the local overpriced grocery store and got the fixin's for a special meal just for myself, and a frozen pizza for the short people.  Short-er people.  Just sayin'. 

I sated myself on mozzarella, fresh basil, and my own homegrown tomatoes slathered in balsamic vinegar and a rich and tasty olive oil; and a deep, rich, velvety red wine blend.  I ate and ate and... ate more.  I licked my plate: no, really, I literally and actually and definitively "licked" my plate;  because I was at home, bra-less, and in bare feet and cut off shorts... I mean, it seemed appropriate.  But don't tell anyone cuz it might ruin my pristine image!  And while I was at the store buying that mozzarella and the wine, I happened upon a discount florist table.  *backstory ensues*

All my years in the past, all 40+++ ahem of them... I have killed, maimed, destroyed, and devastated every known houseplant.  I have killed the unkillable.  I have caused fatal damage to the hearty, to the tolerant, to the...yea even to the false and silk variety.  I am ashamed.  However, since my grand move of late to this odd second floor/attic level 2 story apartment, I have managed to not just keep, but cause to THRIVE, a handful of destitute and sad flora and fauna.  No, I'm serious, all Orchids aside, it must be the exact placement of my dining room window whereupon a handful of previously decrepit (and now thriving) plantlings sit - because I am actually keeping foliage alive and even watching them GROW. 

So tonight, in my despair, while mozzarella and wine purchases were happening, I also purchased a new bit of greenery.  It was a slightly disheveled little wilty bit, with a tag declaring it was a "Prayer Plant".  How could I resist?  It was less than a gallon of milk, less even than the bit of Mozzarella I was splurging on.  It was a Prayer Plant... was there any other logical option but "purchase"???

I bought it. 

I named it.

It is, thus forth, "Lucy".

Oh right, did I mention we'd recently watched the Chronicles of Narnia? No? oh, huh, well... we did.  And so... Lucy, Lucy the Valiant.  Lucy, who wants to be beautiful and powerful... and actually IS although she just doesn't know it.  So today, to offset the shittiness and general crapola, I am focusing on Lucy the Valiant, my newest resident and bit of joy...and my personal goal. 

I am focusing on valiant-cy.  Is that a word?  I say it should be...valiancy.   I will be valiant.  I will be quiet and determined (although sometimes weepy!) and I will hold growth and joy in my heart.  Well, as often as I can at least!  And as I bid this shitty day goodbye, I remain steadfastly secure in my gratitude for my job, and for the side hustle that has me transcribing late into the night, and still asking for protection and blessings on my family and on #someonespecial, and trusting the universe (yo! God! you there?) to provide.

Lucy and I, and Gman and Wonder-girl, and Hannah-the-hero all wish you at least a moment of Valiancy, of truth, of bravery, of beauty and trust and glorious sunrise and tangy balsamic vinegar and sweet home grown tomato...of balance.  Go... in peace, with God, in light, and in knowledge you are covered by Lucy's infinite love.