It was a long 3 day holiday weekend. And then, life happened.
***Just for the sake of authenticity, I want to be clear that G is not living in a standard 2 parent household with a sibling group and extended family resources. His life isn't a picture perfect life that would make a painful, scary, daycare situation something he could adjust to with any grace or adaptability. There are a lot of other stressors in G's life that contribute to the fears and the struggle for control and the generalized defensiveness and unpredictability in his behaviors.***
There are often so many things that pop up that I think, "ooh! I have to blog that because it's important!" but by the end of any given day, I'm exhausted mentally, a little tired physically, and just worn out spiritually. I'm not just the primary parent for G, I'm the ONLY parent. I bear the whole burden, and G isn't my only kiddo. I worry about my oldest who lives 3000 miles away from me, I wake up in the middle of the night consumed by thoughts about my 19 yo son living a mere 15 minutes away but who isn't one for a regular chatty phone call and rarely even replies to a text message, and then there is my sweet H, my 18 yo daughter who lives with me and G and who needs just as much as G. The three of us form a semi functional unit but she takes as much of my time and energy as does G, just in a different way. I am one momma, split in 4 ways, and none of those 'ways' is even, and some of them sort of overlap, and it leaves almost nothing left.
I realize that in the overall scheme of things, I'm one of the lucky ones. G's dad is financially responsible. He is a fair and decent man and lets me have full decision making over parenting, and comes around to see G regularly. My other three kids are healthy, employed, and two of them are paying their own way thru community college. Although I just quit my job for very valid reasons, that alone is a privilege I can't dismiss. I have safe housing, with a yard. I have a new, reliable, car to drive. I have health insurance. Oh my god, I have health insurance. And after last fall and winter, I can not be grateful ENOUGH for health insurance. It may not be perfect, but as often as we were at the urgent care clinic and even the ER, and as many prescriptions as we went through... I'm grateful. So with all of these advantages, including a college education of my own and some quality (if not quantity!) friends, I try not to despair over my small boy who continues to be an enigma to me.
This week has brought us a cold and a cough, a phase of baby talk and whining, a lot of discussion about control and choice and even about status: he is the child and I am the adult. This week brought some potty issues and some 'helpless victim' behavior on G's behalf, some 'putting my foot down' on my behalf, and some thoughts about what it means to have unstructured time to fritter away, to have boredom, to waste time and BE restless, and what the benefits are in having that opportunity. This week, I didn't structure much at all. I let G indulge in his Kindle. I let him eat when he wanted to eat, and sleep (or not) mostly when he wanted to. It wasn't all roses, let me tell you!
I'm undergoing some major household restructuring to make our 1 bedroom apartment workable for 3 people - including all my needs for alone time and private space as well as H's need for privacy and a place to do schoolwork, and G's need for playspace. So I was...busy. Busy packing up things, moving things, re-organizing things...being creative, and overwhelmed, and frustrated, and being tired. We had some frustrating moments, all 3 of us really, and some really sweet and tender moments, and some super fun moments as well. Balance, it's all in the balance, as the universe keeps insisting and keeps bringing to my attention. And now I think, how do I teach G about balance? Perhaps this is the thing he needs most to learn about - the balance of good and bad, the balance of trust and mistrust, the balance of success and failure, the balance of hunger and fullness...of living, and working, and playing...and paying. How do I show that to a FOUR YEAR OLD? How do I 'not' show that to a four year old? I've prayed a lot this week. And I know I've been heard. Thank you for listening.
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