We are helpers, it's what we do.
That's what I said to G today. I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!" and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"
My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.
This "healing" my son? Its as much for me as it is for him. The lesson in it all is this: priority.
I need to take care of G. I need to heal G. I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing. Right now that is G. I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW. I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'. I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there. I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do. He needs me. I need him. And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.
Bring on Day 21 - I got this!
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