One thing I've noticed this week is that while G can clearly ask for what he wants (a new hot wheels car, the wolverine figurine, candy corn...) and can equally get upset when he is denied his request, he does not clearly ask for what he needs. If he is hungry, he does not say, "Can I have lunch/a snack/something to eat?" What he does do is say, "my belly hurts/i feel yukky" and then it's a detective game on my part. Often he can't even identify what he needs even if I offer. If he says his belly hurts and I offer water or food, he says, "I don't know!"
I feel a sense of shame about this because I see this as a learned behavior. I think this is a learned behavior on MY part as well though. I mean, isn't that what a good mom does? Anticipate and identify the needs of your child before they even know it - and then fulfill those needs before your child actually NEEDS them! That is what I've sort of been intrinsically inclined to do, even considering it as the right thing to do: I know what you need because I'm the mom. But I can see now, in watching G, how wrong this is.
He needs to identify his own needs, and ask to have them met, or learn to meet them himself. So this week, I'm starting to help him with that. I'm changing my language as well. I say things like, "wow, my mouth is dry, I must need some water!" or "My tummy is making noises, I must need to put some food in it!" and even "my head is hurting, I need some water to drink and I need to rest for a few minutes." and when G is crying I'm starting to say, "What do you need?" A little while ago he said, "I scratched my foot! help me make it better!" I asked him, "what do you need me to do?" and when he said, "hug me!" I replied, "you need a hug? ok, ask me for what you need, say, 'i need a hug'" and he did...he said, "I need a hug to make my foot feel better!" Its a small start, a slow start, but G and I, we will learn it together. Maybe I'll pass on some of this to my other kids as well, I kind of think they probably need to relearn this along with us!
We definitely had a low key week. I think we are getting bored with each other now. I'm going to have to figure out something for us or this is going to be a very long winter ahead! I have discovered that I am not very good at "playing". Its not something I have a lot of skill at. I can set up activities like playdough, coloring, playing a game or watching a movie, but as far as mindless "playing" with lego's or toys, I'm not very good. Well, perhaps I'm just not very good at following G's rules - which, as you may know if you know any four year olds, tend to change frequently and get made up on the spot. I may have to work on this skill! I did try to be more mindful of G napping this week but I think we are at a crossroads of nap/no nap. If he were physically busier, the nap would happen naturally I think, but many days we aren't quite as busy so the napping is harder for him but still needed by me. I may have to transition to "quiet time" on his bed so I can get MY refueling time in! Ah look, an opportunity to identify what I need and to figure out how to meet it for myself!
Week 7 - we are ready for you!
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