I fought with myself over certain lifestyle choices I've made and the choices I could have made instead.
I fought with demons that I can't seem to shake, who torment me with guilt and doubt and regret.
I fought with my intuition, my obligation, my nature and my nurture...and I fought with my very soul. I also fought with a very small, very fierce, 4 year old. At the end of it all, there was not a winner, but because the universe is inherently good, there was not a definite loser either. At the end of it all, every child I was in charge of was asleep in his/her own bed, every adult that mattered was also asleep in his/her own bed (or at least asleep in A bed!), and I managed to get almost 3 full hours of sleep before Thursday arrived.
Thursday dawned grey, damp, and with rain clouds looming. But the bright, easy, and genuine grin beaming from G's face was all the sun I needed. After days of tension and struggle, this day was all ours and ours alone. I smiled as much as he did and we spent a sweet quiet morning snuggling on the couch and reconnecting. A slow paced trip to the grocery store and the acquisition of a new toy plus the impromptu purchase of usually forbidden hot-dogs made it a total win for G. He slipped easily into a nap and then when he woke up, he played quietly on his own under the watchful eyes of his big sister while I went to an interview. Later, he ate like I've never seen - a snack, a full dinner including never before eaten Salmon, and then dessert, and then another two snacks afterward. We chatted about the next day's activities and the little one we would be nannying together, how we were going to take care of him just for one day, and that he was a little guy who needed a big boy to help take care of him. A friend of mine had suggested that maybe I take the time to give G a very clear timeline of any nanny gigs to help him process it, to help him understand that it would be a finite experience, that it would have a beginning and an end. I hope it helps my boy, because what we both went thru the past few days was really hard, and I want to heal my son, not cause him more hurt.
And with that in mind, I am joyfully celebrating a couple of victories tonight. Grateful for the income that nanny-ing has given us in this fragile time, but knowing it is not ideal for us, for G, I was so grateful to accept the offer of the per-diem night shift position I had applied to before leaving my job. They called me today as I was on my way home from a different interview for some overnight postpartum doula work I agreed to. The universe is so openly protecting and providing for me right now that I can hardly bear to acknowledge it for fear of it slipping away like some big teaser. I try to remind myself that I am the daughter of God, I am a child of the Universe. I AM value and worth, and my son is deserving of ME - and therefore I am deserving of what God and the universe provide so that I can provide, for him. And that is the end of Day 19.
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