June 2017: I shouldn't have blinked

He isn't 5 for another 16 days but he's already shed all of his babyness and is a full blown "kid".  He grew a full two inches taller since January.  I can barely carry him anymore with his long legs all dangly and getting tangled up in mine.  He likes privacy in the bathroom now.  He makes fart jokes.  He reads street signs and labels and instructions (but only when he wants to), he can look at the calendar and know how many days are left in the week or the month.  When we go to the doctor for check ups, he walks right up and gives his name and date of birth to the receptionist.  When he laughs, it is a wild, full bellied, bent over double kind of laugh.  His arm will be in a cast for another 4 weeks but he's already riding his scooter and running down trails and playing mini-golf...because he isn't a baby, he's a boy.  He made his own peanut butter sandwich the other day.

I thought that I would be ready for this.  I thought that I was just holding on for this exact moment when he didn't need me so much and wasn't sucking the soul out of me with his demands.  I thought that I just couldn't wait until he was a real kid and not a baby... but it happened so quickly.  I think it happened when I blinked.  I might need to avoid blinking for awhile - I don't want to blink and find out he's driving the car and is taller than me.  It feels like it could happen that way.

I started this blog as a written journey of what it was like to give up my full time job and stay at home with this wild boy.  I thought it would be about saving his spirit, about his journey through a trauma back into wholeness.  I didn't have a plan for what to do with it after G was well and whole.  I never even wrote as much as I meant to from the start!  I also didn't plan that it was going to be about my own journey.  I didn't even realize I had a journey to go through.  I was so fully unprepared to embark on a journey of my own, that just like I blinked and found my baby had turned into a boy, I blinked and found myself right in the middle of a life I didn't know I was going to be in, how I got here, or where I'm supposed to go next.  One day I was in Hawaii on vacation with my child, and a week later I was sitting in a vast wilderness of complicated emotions and trauma and brokenness all of my own.

I try to  focus on how the universe brings balance to my life in so many ways.  I feel like its just how my life has been cared for by God (or whatever universal vibe you might want to call it).  Suddenly though, I was smack dab in a place where all the balance had shifted in such a way that it left me spinning, sideways, tipped over, and most definitely unbalanced.  A friend told me some theories show that the universe tends toward chaos and that maintaining order (or balance) actually requires effort.  Huh.  I had to ponder that one for awhile.  It makes sense that to create balance you might have to put forth energy to offset the chaos, but I've always felt that the balance occurring in my life was a gift for me to embrace.  Then I blinked.

I'm a little lost right now, a little adrift, and trying to look for balance, or to create my own balance even.  I have another thought though; maybe I'm approaching it wrong.  Maybe its not so much about trying to find or create balance, but about allowing time to pass and shift and for the balance to occur on it's own.  Possibly I've become a little too used to things happening when I want them too, or when I make them happen, and not enough accustomed to waiting it out.  There is a lesson there, I just have to pay attention to it.  I'll try not to blink and miss it.

Monday 9/12; Week 6

When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance.  I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different.  I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar.  Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time.  As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self.  Don't we all?  I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time.  Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.

As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time?  Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him?  Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums?  I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do?  According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you!  But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance.  Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy.  Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time.  We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back.  We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns.  We read signs and labels.  We are doing a pretty good job I think.

This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra.  Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice.  But no blood was shed so I call that a win!  He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week.  I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well.  I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much.  He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!

So here we are.  Week 6.  G doesn't talk about preschool at all.  He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice.  He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities.  Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry.  Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem.  If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?"  Makes me laugh every time!  And we do, though.  We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out.  I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool.  I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living.  There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him!  There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...

Friday August 19; Day 10

Things that are getting better by me staying home:

• G no longer wets his pants (something he hadn't done at all until suddenly he started having "accidents" in early summer and only at daycare)
• G is cuddling more, actively reaching out to me for hugs, to hold my hand, to wrap an arm around my leg and lean into me when we are standing somewhere... (these are things he did before he turned 2 and went to daycare full time but he hasn't done much of since then).
• While I don't yet have a full grasp of his natural sleep/eat cycles, I know I will figure it out.  I am letting him drive that process and am learning his natural rhythms - before he went to daycare I used to know he was tired almost before he was tired.  Now I understand that he goes from "OK" to "completely unglued" at warp speed, but I still believe that we can work out the key signals and get back into a groove so we can prevent or at least prepare for the majority of his melt downs.  
• G and I are having FUN together on a regular basis - something that was really missing in our regular day to day lives.  Fun was something I forced us to have on the weekends in between chores and errands and commitments.  (you WILL have fun and you WILL like it, dammit!) Now it's spontaneous, unplanned, and taking each moment as it comes, much like the way that a Mindful Awareness class taught me to pay attention to.  Perhaps I can teach him this concept as we experience this time together?     

Things that are not getting better/staying the same/getting worse by me staying home:

• G still likes to argue with every. single. thing. I. say.  This may be a "4" thing, or it may be part of the distrust that had built up (you know, cuz I'm the one that put him in a place where grown ups hurt him and I'm the one that told him HE needed to do better...I'm the one that didn't protect him) but it's pretty much on-going.  There are moments when it's better, and moments when I am so very DONE with him arguing that the sky is NOT blue or that the ground is NOT wet... note to self: you cannot win an argument with a four year old.  Not without physical force anyway, and I'm just not "that" person.  Side Note: I'm getting really good at losing arguments.
• G still likes to test every. single. boundary.  This is definitely a "4" thing.  I'm pretty sure, at my age and with 3 other children under my belt, I understand that he NEEDS to test boundaries so he feels safe and secure but Mary Mother Of God!!! I'm tired... I'm so so tired of enforcing every boundary, every time, all day, every day.  But that is what I do because that is my responsibility, and mine alone.  And if anyone is going to discipline my fragile, broken hearted boy, I want it to be me.
• G still likes to call all the shots.  Oh yes, this kid has control issues but not all of them can be traced to a lack of power in a crucial moment.. some of them can be traced to me.  I'm sorry, world, but it's true.  I have control issues and so does my four year old.  We make quite the team, let me tell you!

Today I had a final trial run before taking on two extra kids for a nanny position while their single mom is out of town on a business trip.  It was ok.  I think G may have some issues with sharing my attention as well as some issues with sharing things in general.  Over all he is still adjusting to a lot of changes over the past month, which for some kids is an easy string of seamless events but for G is like a huge staircase with steps that are a little too high, a little to narrow, and a few too many.  So at the end of this day, I take yet another deep breath and maybe clench my teeth just a little bit harder one more time, and I hold my son close as I tuck him in bed and I ask God and the universe to watch over us both, again, still, so that we can get through this time intact and with love.  I trust that angels are around us and that all our friends are thinking hopeful positive thoughts for us.

Thursday August 18; Day 9

The thing I notice about G, which I've noticed all along but because of circumstances (ie daycare") been unable to negotiate and accommodate is that, like me, he needs a LOT of downtime, alone time, and decompression time.  Whenever I do something that taxes my energy like - grocery shopping, going to a mall, or even going on a fun day trip somewhere, I can actually need to sleep it off. Or on a daily basis, it's why I stay up very very late at night after everyone else is asleep or why I get up ridiculously early while everyone else STAYS asleep. Thats how I recharge, how I bring balance to my extreme "introvert" state.  I might appear funny and outgoing and kind hearted, but inside I am just planning my escape, LOL.

I think this is how G operates; although with far less insight and self awareness. In a daycare with a structure and routine and plan, there isn't really an option for "recharge" or "decompress".  His last daycare had a lovely little "quiet corner" where kids could go to sit, be alone, and chill out.  But it was, after all, just a chair on a rug in the corner of a busy active room.  The volume of the other kids was still the same.  The motion and color and visual/auditory input was still present, and there would always be the one other kid who also needed it and the ensuing struggle of sharing that "quiet" space.
All of that in conjunction with a far less ability for self control and self comforting/soothing - it's no wonder he had a difficult time settling into a preschool/daycare setting.  Then combined with a provider who used physical force and shame and anger to discipline him when he wasn't able to cope?  God... it must have been a form of torture, preschool style, and I cannot now erase that thought from my heart.  Much like he can't erase it from his.

Today we went to spend time with our new nanny-friends.  The kids played for awhile first, and then we needed to do some boring grown up errands like, Walmart.

The other thing about G is that he doesn't progressively deteriorate in behavior - he goes from "ok, this is awesome and fun" to "I CANT HANDLE SHIT" in the blink of an eye.  I've been looking at his sleep patterns, the natural time he seems tired or hungry, and noting the kinds of activity or time of day that he seems to be tired or overwhelmed and it STILL takes me by surprise when it happens.  I may need to write it all down in detail to see if I can find a better pattern or create a stronger awareness - but for now, lets just say that we had a "thing" in the middle of Walmart and it was totally my fault...as was the "thing" we had after bathtime.

At Walmart we were randomly browsing items as we made our way from one side of the store to the complete opposite side to compare prices on an item: why they had one version of it in the automotive department on one side, and another version in homegoods on the opposite side I will never understand, but hey, Thanks Walmart! And F.U., also... just saying.  Anyway.  It was fun and goofy and then suddenly it wasn't.  It went from, "wow! look at that transformer!" to "i waaaaannna gooooo hoooooome! I'm hunnnnnngry! I'm toooo tired!" at which point it devolved into me snapping, him crying, a few sharp words muttered through gritted teeth and then we made our way over to the snack aisle and picked up some crackers.  A miraculous cure!  Right back to happy, cooperative, accommodating, friendly, charming... and he munched crackers while I searched out 3 perfect greeting cards.  Weird.  It was like the Snickers commercial for "hangry".  Spot on.  Hm... Must investigate this concept very very carefully.  How can I prevent this?

And then the same exact behavior played out later on after we were back, playing in the room with toys, before lunch.  I sorted out the sharing issues with only minor stomping and fussing (G, not me!) and then after he ate there was another whole meltdown and he couldn't put on shoes, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't even accept that we'd be back tomorrow: I carried my shoeless pal to the car and buckled him in for the 12 minute drive home.  He fell asleep, slept thru the transfer in to the couch, slept for another 2 hours...and woke up like the cutest, sweetest, most adorable little monkey you've ever met.  My word.  What is this - sleep, low blood sugar?, artificial foods sensitivities?  Must think hard on this...it could be a game changer if I can figure out a key component.

When he woke up it was almost 4pm.  He wanted his Kindle, and given that he'd had such limited electronic use so far, I said yes.  He took that Kindle into the bedroom where it was a little dark (thank you black-out curtains!) and stayed there the rest of the evening.  I had to bully him into coming out to eat dinner with his daddy who had stopped by to say hello; had to bully him into a tubby afterward, and then to bed.  All of that met with resistance, very vocally, and a lot of tears.  Of course, he ate everything and asked for seconds, and thirds, of the dinner he did NOT want to eat; and then he spent almost 30 minutes in that tubby that he didn't want to get into; and then he had to sleep in my bed which he had previously said he would NEVER ever EVER sleep in AGAIN!  Hm.

It was a long day with this boy today.  A day in which I felt defeated a lot, amused a lot, aggravated a lot, and all mixed up with some general curiousity about how to make everything tie together so it gets better, easier, and sweeter.  I love playing detective sometimes at work - I want to find the answer to THIS for G...and for me.  I feel like the answer or the key will help to make him more successful overall in his future.  In the meantime, I can carry snacks in my purse, watch his intake of sugar and artificials (do NOT get me started about the cost of whole foods vs fake foods!) and try to be aware of his sleep times, and think about his social skills, academic skills, health and well-being, our finances, the politics and our government, the environment, the lizard... and H's success at college... and J2's success at college, and N and S navigating adulthood on their own... oh god I'm tired.

I mostly like to deal with all of this with humor.  A lot of self deprecating derpiness.  Making other people laugh at MY expense is kind of a thing I like to do.  I'm getting really good at it, ask Tina or Molly if you want to!  But days like today leave me a little battered, a little dusty and used up, a little sunken and in need of something soft.

I will say good night to this day, and I will lay in bed with G who is decked out in Minion PJ pants, a white T, and batman socks, and I will utter a thankful prayer to God for the upcoming nanny opportunities He has provided and for the sturdy, solid, snoring little boy who will lay in my arms as if he never yelled at me, "I don't LIKE you! You are MEAN! I don't want to be your FRIEND anymore!" and I will think of all the people out there who are thinking of us - and I will pray blessings and fortune for all of THEM.

Tomorrow's another day, and I am NOT afraid... so bring on the rain!