He isn't 5 for another 16 days but he's already shed all of his babyness and is a full blown "kid". He grew a full two inches taller since January. I can barely carry him anymore with his long legs all dangly and getting tangled up in mine. He likes privacy in the bathroom now. He makes fart jokes. He reads street signs and labels and instructions (but only when he wants to), he can look at the calendar and know how many days are left in the week or the month. When we go to the doctor for check ups, he walks right up and gives his name and date of birth to the receptionist. When he laughs, it is a wild, full bellied, bent over double kind of laugh. His arm will be in a cast for another 4 weeks but he's already riding his scooter and running down trails and playing mini-golf...because he isn't a baby, he's a boy. He made his own peanut butter sandwich the other day.
I thought that I would be ready for this. I thought that I was just holding on for this exact moment when he didn't need me so much and wasn't sucking the soul out of me with his demands. I thought that I just couldn't wait until he was a real kid and not a baby... but it happened so quickly. I think it happened when I blinked. I might need to avoid blinking for awhile - I don't want to blink and find out he's driving the car and is taller than me. It feels like it could happen that way.
I started this blog as a written journey of what it was like to give up my full time job and stay at home with this wild boy. I thought it would be about saving his spirit, about his journey through a trauma back into wholeness. I didn't have a plan for what to do with it after G was well and whole. I never even wrote as much as I meant to from the start! I also didn't plan that it was going to be about my own journey. I didn't even realize I had a journey to go through. I was so fully unprepared to embark on a journey of my own, that just like I blinked and found my baby had turned into a boy, I blinked and found myself right in the middle of a life I didn't know I was going to be in, how I got here, or where I'm supposed to go next. One day I was in Hawaii on vacation with my child, and a week later I was sitting in a vast wilderness of complicated emotions and trauma and brokenness all of my own.
I try to focus on how the universe brings balance to my life in so many ways. I feel like its just how my life has been cared for by God (or whatever universal vibe you might want to call it). Suddenly though, I was smack dab in a place where all the balance had shifted in such a way that it left me spinning, sideways, tipped over, and most definitely unbalanced. A friend told me some theories show that the universe tends toward chaos and that maintaining order (or balance) actually requires effort. Huh. I had to ponder that one for awhile. It makes sense that to create balance you might have to put forth energy to offset the chaos, but I've always felt that the balance occurring in my life was a gift for me to embrace. Then I blinked.
I'm a little lost right now, a little adrift, and trying to look for balance, or to create my own balance even. I have another thought though; maybe I'm approaching it wrong. Maybe its not so much about trying to find or create balance, but about allowing time to pass and shift and for the balance to occur on it's own. Possibly I've become a little too used to things happening when I want them too, or when I make them happen, and not enough accustomed to waiting it out. There is a lesson there, I just have to pay attention to it. I'll try not to blink and miss it.
Showing posts with label Expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Expectations. Show all posts
June 5, 2017
October 3, 2016
10/2; Week 9, RIDICULOUS
Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not working my 8-4, M-F, dress up and make up, income producing job; of running on a tight timeline and alarms and schedules and rushing and driving to work with worry in my heart. Nine weeks of yoga pants and fuzzy socks and no makeup and no alarms and no planned routines.
Nine weeks of processing what it means, what new schedules and routines should (or shouldn't) be, what my expectations are, (and which ones are ridiculous and need to be let go of), of budgeting and counting pennies and planning ahead and negotiating kinks and figuring out what all of this means...to me.
Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not being rushed off to daycare and being dropped into the midst of bright, noisy, chaos, of bringing lunch and snack and extra clothes and stuffy bear for naptime.
Nine weeks of not missing momma all day, of not fighting over toys, rules, routines; of not being forced to share, no waiting and taking turns; of not being scolded, overlooked, unheard, excluded, and getting negative attention, for just doing what I do; of not having to cry, or hold back feelings, of not feeling safe.
Nine weeks of processing what it means now to be home, what new schedules and routines are in place (or not), what the expectations are (or aren't), of doing things one on one with momma or my sister, of making choices that I want to make and experiencing things fresh and new right in the middle of the day! Like, the library, the movies, story time at the big book store, going to visit friends of momma's, hiking the rail trail and collecting pinecones.
Nine weeks of learning how to ask for what I want, and to ask for what I need like momma is teaching me, and of how to get positive attention, and of hugging and kissing and sitting and staying in and going out and playgrounds and hiking and settling in to the natural ebb and flow of rhythms that work...for me.
Things are falling into place. The universe, or God, is leveling it all out, taking care of us, providing income and time and giving us opportunities to learn from. We've made friends, with each other, as well as with others, and learned how to be bored with each other and how to enjoy each other. A lot of the learning has been on my end, truthfully. I've had to learn a lot about what matters, and what doesn't, and it isn't an easy thing for me. I'm a little older and I've been down this parenting road before but instead of making it easier, it means I kind of have some pre concieved expectations of how this should go. I've been wrong about almost everything.
Things are falling into place. I'm eating good food and checking them off on my food chart so I have enough vegetables and protein. I'm having fun playing superhero's with momma; not as much fun as when my papa plays, but still fun! I'm bored and restless sometimes but momma makes me play with my toys or run around outside and I forget that I'm bored. I think this is how it is supposed to be. I mean, I don't know, isn't this just what everyone else does too?
The one thing I was right about? Quitting my job to stay home with my 4 year old son.
Lately I've heard from more and more parents, and particularly parents of little boys, with stories similar to ours. Daycare providers with rigid expectations hidden behind creative descriptions of "developmentally appropriate routines"; teachers with poor communication skills taking to texting about behavior issues, calling parents out on a 2 year old that hits, or a 3 year old that doesn't want to sit still during circle time. Little boys being called "violent" or "anti-social"; parents being asked to consider psychiatry evals and medication - we are talking about kids as young as 2! As far as my knowledge reaches (a pre-college career of babysitting since age 11, a college education and 4 children, a career in infant development/parenting, and family advocacy) age 2 is still a BABY. Maybe some of those 'babies' are precocious and talking and and seeming to be mini-adults, but they are, by and large, babies. A baby does not have a behavior disorder. Let me be clear. Neither does the average 3 or 4 year old. I am appalled at the stories I've heard. Validated, sure, but appalled.
Griffin has some undesirable behaviors that we are working on, and isn't that what we are supposed to be doing? As parents, but also as teachers in a daycare or preschool, it's about teaching, instructing, leading by example, reinforcing - it's all a process. And because behavior is about feeling and emotion, about situation and circumstance, and a dozen other variables, you can't expect to teach them once and never have to review it again... it is not the same as learning the alphabet or the value of the numbers 1-10. Its about developing the capacity for patience and control: things that aren't in place with toddlers and preschoolers and so "behavior issues" are not issues at all - they are just behaviors.
Developmentally, skill and behavior are always undergoing change, maturation, development. Even adults learn new behaviors and social skills thru workplace training, interpersonal development, and experience. What? Oh, you mean "experience"? Yeah, thats a THING. Skills are developed, manners learned, appropriate interactions taught - through experience. Not thru inherent assimilation. So you can't say that a 3 year old, with only 3 years worth of life skills (and only about 1.5 years of that having any concrete value) is in need of psychiatric evaluation, or professional intervention, until you have put in the actual time and effort of working through those behaviors. Seriously. What has our entire educational system come to that early education workers are feeling like they need to advocate for psychiatric evaluations on BABIES??
Be patient. Be kind. Be accepting. Make no assumptions. Take things as they are - when dealing with tiny children - and be accommodating of the genuine honesty and integrity of small humans... and don't be physically abusive to them...no matter how frustrating and infuriating and discombobulating they might be... they are just learning things, all fresh and new, and practicing them moment by moment. Just love them...ridiculously!
Nine weeks of not working my 8-4, M-F, dress up and make up, income producing job; of running on a tight timeline and alarms and schedules and rushing and driving to work with worry in my heart. Nine weeks of yoga pants and fuzzy socks and no makeup and no alarms and no planned routines.
Nine weeks of processing what it means, what new schedules and routines should (or shouldn't) be, what my expectations are, (and which ones are ridiculous and need to be let go of), of budgeting and counting pennies and planning ahead and negotiating kinks and figuring out what all of this means...to me.
Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not being rushed off to daycare and being dropped into the midst of bright, noisy, chaos, of bringing lunch and snack and extra clothes and stuffy bear for naptime.
Nine weeks of not missing momma all day, of not fighting over toys, rules, routines; of not being forced to share, no waiting and taking turns; of not being scolded, overlooked, unheard, excluded, and getting negative attention, for just doing what I do; of not having to cry, or hold back feelings, of not feeling safe.
Nine weeks of processing what it means now to be home, what new schedules and routines are in place (or not), what the expectations are (or aren't), of doing things one on one with momma or my sister, of making choices that I want to make and experiencing things fresh and new right in the middle of the day! Like, the library, the movies, story time at the big book store, going to visit friends of momma's, hiking the rail trail and collecting pinecones.
Nine weeks of learning how to ask for what I want, and to ask for what I need like momma is teaching me, and of how to get positive attention, and of hugging and kissing and sitting and staying in and going out and playgrounds and hiking and settling in to the natural ebb and flow of rhythms that work...for me.
Things are falling into place. The universe, or God, is leveling it all out, taking care of us, providing income and time and giving us opportunities to learn from. We've made friends, with each other, as well as with others, and learned how to be bored with each other and how to enjoy each other. A lot of the learning has been on my end, truthfully. I've had to learn a lot about what matters, and what doesn't, and it isn't an easy thing for me. I'm a little older and I've been down this parenting road before but instead of making it easier, it means I kind of have some pre concieved expectations of how this should go. I've been wrong about almost everything.
Things are falling into place. I'm eating good food and checking them off on my food chart so I have enough vegetables and protein. I'm having fun playing superhero's with momma; not as much fun as when my papa plays, but still fun! I'm bored and restless sometimes but momma makes me play with my toys or run around outside and I forget that I'm bored. I think this is how it is supposed to be. I mean, I don't know, isn't this just what everyone else does too?
The one thing I was right about? Quitting my job to stay home with my 4 year old son.
Lately I've heard from more and more parents, and particularly parents of little boys, with stories similar to ours. Daycare providers with rigid expectations hidden behind creative descriptions of "developmentally appropriate routines"; teachers with poor communication skills taking to texting about behavior issues, calling parents out on a 2 year old that hits, or a 3 year old that doesn't want to sit still during circle time. Little boys being called "violent" or "anti-social"; parents being asked to consider psychiatry evals and medication - we are talking about kids as young as 2! As far as my knowledge reaches (a pre-college career of babysitting since age 11, a college education and 4 children, a career in infant development/parenting, and family advocacy) age 2 is still a BABY. Maybe some of those 'babies' are precocious and talking and and seeming to be mini-adults, but they are, by and large, babies. A baby does not have a behavior disorder. Let me be clear. Neither does the average 3 or 4 year old. I am appalled at the stories I've heard. Validated, sure, but appalled.
Griffin has some undesirable behaviors that we are working on, and isn't that what we are supposed to be doing? As parents, but also as teachers in a daycare or preschool, it's about teaching, instructing, leading by example, reinforcing - it's all a process. And because behavior is about feeling and emotion, about situation and circumstance, and a dozen other variables, you can't expect to teach them once and never have to review it again... it is not the same as learning the alphabet or the value of the numbers 1-10. Its about developing the capacity for patience and control: things that aren't in place with toddlers and preschoolers and so "behavior issues" are not issues at all - they are just behaviors.
Developmentally, skill and behavior are always undergoing change, maturation, development. Even adults learn new behaviors and social skills thru workplace training, interpersonal development, and experience. What? Oh, you mean "experience"? Yeah, thats a THING. Skills are developed, manners learned, appropriate interactions taught - through experience. Not thru inherent assimilation. So you can't say that a 3 year old, with only 3 years worth of life skills (and only about 1.5 years of that having any concrete value) is in need of psychiatric evaluation, or professional intervention, until you have put in the actual time and effort of working through those behaviors. Seriously. What has our entire educational system come to that early education workers are feeling like they need to advocate for psychiatric evaluations on BABIES??
Be patient. Be kind. Be accepting. Make no assumptions. Take things as they are - when dealing with tiny children - and be accommodating of the genuine honesty and integrity of small humans... and don't be physically abusive to them...no matter how frustrating and infuriating and discombobulating they might be... they are just learning things, all fresh and new, and practicing them moment by moment. Just love them...ridiculously!
September 12, 2016
Monday 9/12; Week 6
When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance. I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different. I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar. Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time. As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self. Don't we all? I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time. Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.
As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time? Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him? Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums? I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do? According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you! But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance. Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy. Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time. We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back. We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns. We read signs and labels. We are doing a pretty good job I think.
This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra. Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice. But no blood was shed so I call that a win! He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week. I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well. I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much. He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!
So here we are. Week 6. G doesn't talk about preschool at all. He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice. He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities. Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry. Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem. If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?" Makes me laugh every time! And we do, though. We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out. I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool. I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living. There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him! There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...
As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time? Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him? Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums? I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do? According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you! But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance. Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy. Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time. We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back. We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns. We read signs and labels. We are doing a pretty good job I think.
This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra. Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice. But no blood was shed so I call that a win! He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week. I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well. I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much. He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!
So here we are. Week 6. G doesn't talk about preschool at all. He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice. He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities. Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry. Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem. If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?" Makes me laugh every time! And we do, though. We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out. I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool. I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living. There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him! There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...
September 2, 2016
Friday 9/2; Day20
We are helpers, it's what we do.
That's what I said to G today. I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!" and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"
My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.
This "healing" my son? Its as much for me as it is for him. The lesson in it all is this: priority.
I need to take care of G. I need to heal G. I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing. Right now that is G. I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW. I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'. I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there. I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do. He needs me. I need him. And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.
Bring on Day 21 - I got this!
That's what I said to G today. I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!" and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"
My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.
This "healing" my son? Its as much for me as it is for him. The lesson in it all is this: priority.
I need to take care of G. I need to heal G. I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing. Right now that is G. I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW. I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'. I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there. I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do. He needs me. I need him. And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.
Bring on Day 21 - I got this!
August 16, 2016
Day 7
Up early, like yesterday, and not loving it but...doing it. Todays agenda was a "lego fun day" at a library near us so once we got H off to work, we made our way there. We got there with time to spare...45 minutes of time actually. sigh. How come I can't get this stuff right? lol!
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
August 15, 2016
Day 6
I'm not counting the weekend days, because, well, because it's my blog and I can do it however I want to. That kind of logic is apparently the best kind of logic that actually truly works with 4 year olds. It's all about power, and I'm having to learn to really throw mine around a little.
I anticipated that routine, time, and structure would be things that I struggled with as I entered the daily life of a SAHM. I didn't quite realize how MUCH I would struggle, or that G would struggle too, but those things are hitting home rapidly. In the counting of days, today is my 6th weekday in which I am not working but staying home to raise my son...but it is also the 11th day in a row that I have pretty much parented him 24/7 and we are both beginning to fray around the edges a wee bit. Its a learning process for us, and I want to be gentle with my thoughts as we navigate this new territory.
He isn't used to me being in his face 24/7 anymore than I am used to him being in my face 24/7. He isn't used to not having nine and a half hours of structured daycare/preschool routine. I'm not used to NOT rushing to get out the door in the morning and then rushing thru an evening routine so he gets to bed on time. I used to be very deliberate about the time I spent with him on the weekend because I got so very little time with him during the week and I wanted to have fun times of connection with my son at every opportunity. I still do want those fun times of connection, but now I also sometimes want a little space, as does he! So thats my goal this week: structure, routine, space, time management. Yes, yes, I do hear the universe laughing at me, you don't need to point it out.
I got up early as if I were going to work, at 6:15 - not AS early, but still way before I expected G to wake up. I had my water and my coffee, surfed the net briefly, then laid out our meals for the week and a grocery list that took into account my very slim budget. Oh wine, I am going to miss you. I made a daily list of what activities were available for us to do together for fun, a list of things that I needed to do this week, and incorporated my daughter H's work schedule because I am still a chauffeur for her, and as a single parent, I am the only one around to shoulder that responsibility too. I stretched out some muscles that have been complaining loudly to me (at my age, lots of my muscles are complaining but these particular ones have been particularly hateful towards me of late) and when G got up, I felt mostly sane. I let him play on his Kindle while I got his breakfast and then got my own shower and self care out of the way. When I told him to turn off his Kindle at 10, and that it was going to be a new rule, he didn't even argue. Hmm. Well. That was easy? Yes, yes, laughing universe, I know.
Its been too hot to play outside since last week really but we did get out for a little bit today out of necessity (for the love of everything go outside and run a little kid, ok?) and that was about as exciting as it got unless you count the trip to the grocery store. Which really, it is pretty exciting to see how far money can actually stretch! Anyway, in the coming days, I'm aiming to see if I can pull together some sort of routine and some regular educational activities we can do either daily or weekly. I'm sure it will be easier when it's cooler outside (and inside!) so I have plenty of time for planning. He's already reading a little so it's not the academics I'm worried about, just the stimulation in general. If he's bored, he's in trouble!
I am still doing last minute tasks related to getting H set up for school. She had been living with her dad for a while and during her senior year of high school a lot of details fell thru the cracks so there is some last minute scrambling to get her registered for her classes at the local community college and sort out her schedule at work too. H requires a lot of direction and guidance so it can be a little time consuming, and it is also another example of adjusting my expectations about how something should play out. A lot of adjusting of my expectations.
I imagine, in my wild dreams, all of this would be easier if this were a two parent household. (what is with all the laughing in the universe today?) Or if there was more income. Or perhaps ANY kind of income, ha ha. Or maybe if we weren't all three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment. Then everything would just...flow. Right? It's moments like this that I sometimes feel the pull of getting back together with G's dad just for the logistics of income, space, and having another adult available to share some of the burdens...but actually I did that once before and though those things did play out in some ways, it also played out in ways that still stick with me and bruise up my heart too much. So. We have what we have, we live where we live, and at the end of the day, everyone is tucked in safely to our nest and all seems right with the world. You can't really buy that feeling.
I have some income prospects on the horizon, I have a meal plan and a budget, I have some amazing friends near by and a crazy supportive online community that feels as real as my 17 year long friendship with my Karen who lives 2 miles away...and I am trusting the universe to help me out, even as it laughs at me. A sense of humor is important after all! It already is proving itself in caring for us - I mean, the lizard is still alive, so there's that!
Onward to day 7 and a wild plan for the library and Lego Club!
I anticipated that routine, time, and structure would be things that I struggled with as I entered the daily life of a SAHM. I didn't quite realize how MUCH I would struggle, or that G would struggle too, but those things are hitting home rapidly. In the counting of days, today is my 6th weekday in which I am not working but staying home to raise my son...but it is also the 11th day in a row that I have pretty much parented him 24/7 and we are both beginning to fray around the edges a wee bit. Its a learning process for us, and I want to be gentle with my thoughts as we navigate this new territory.
He isn't used to me being in his face 24/7 anymore than I am used to him being in my face 24/7. He isn't used to not having nine and a half hours of structured daycare/preschool routine. I'm not used to NOT rushing to get out the door in the morning and then rushing thru an evening routine so he gets to bed on time. I used to be very deliberate about the time I spent with him on the weekend because I got so very little time with him during the week and I wanted to have fun times of connection with my son at every opportunity. I still do want those fun times of connection, but now I also sometimes want a little space, as does he! So thats my goal this week: structure, routine, space, time management. Yes, yes, I do hear the universe laughing at me, you don't need to point it out.
I got up early as if I were going to work, at 6:15 - not AS early, but still way before I expected G to wake up. I had my water and my coffee, surfed the net briefly, then laid out our meals for the week and a grocery list that took into account my very slim budget. Oh wine, I am going to miss you. I made a daily list of what activities were available for us to do together for fun, a list of things that I needed to do this week, and incorporated my daughter H's work schedule because I am still a chauffeur for her, and as a single parent, I am the only one around to shoulder that responsibility too. I stretched out some muscles that have been complaining loudly to me (at my age, lots of my muscles are complaining but these particular ones have been particularly hateful towards me of late) and when G got up, I felt mostly sane. I let him play on his Kindle while I got his breakfast and then got my own shower and self care out of the way. When I told him to turn off his Kindle at 10, and that it was going to be a new rule, he didn't even argue. Hmm. Well. That was easy? Yes, yes, laughing universe, I know.
Its been too hot to play outside since last week really but we did get out for a little bit today out of necessity (for the love of everything go outside and run a little kid, ok?) and that was about as exciting as it got unless you count the trip to the grocery store. Which really, it is pretty exciting to see how far money can actually stretch! Anyway, in the coming days, I'm aiming to see if I can pull together some sort of routine and some regular educational activities we can do either daily or weekly. I'm sure it will be easier when it's cooler outside (and inside!) so I have plenty of time for planning. He's already reading a little so it's not the academics I'm worried about, just the stimulation in general. If he's bored, he's in trouble!
I am still doing last minute tasks related to getting H set up for school. She had been living with her dad for a while and during her senior year of high school a lot of details fell thru the cracks so there is some last minute scrambling to get her registered for her classes at the local community college and sort out her schedule at work too. H requires a lot of direction and guidance so it can be a little time consuming, and it is also another example of adjusting my expectations about how something should play out. A lot of adjusting of my expectations.
I imagine, in my wild dreams, all of this would be easier if this were a two parent household. (what is with all the laughing in the universe today?) Or if there was more income. Or perhaps ANY kind of income, ha ha. Or maybe if we weren't all three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment. Then everything would just...flow. Right? It's moments like this that I sometimes feel the pull of getting back together with G's dad just for the logistics of income, space, and having another adult available to share some of the burdens...but actually I did that once before and though those things did play out in some ways, it also played out in ways that still stick with me and bruise up my heart too much. So. We have what we have, we live where we live, and at the end of the day, everyone is tucked in safely to our nest and all seems right with the world. You can't really buy that feeling.
I have some income prospects on the horizon, I have a meal plan and a budget, I have some amazing friends near by and a crazy supportive online community that feels as real as my 17 year long friendship with my Karen who lives 2 miles away...and I am trusting the universe to help me out, even as it laughs at me. A sense of humor is important after all! It already is proving itself in caring for us - I mean, the lizard is still alive, so there's that!
Onward to day 7 and a wild plan for the library and Lego Club!
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