Monday 9/19 Week 7; fresh start

If you know me, and I mean know me, you will know that I'm not filling these posts with the nitty gritty hard stuff that has been happening daily.  If you know me, you probably have listened to me whine and vent about the nitty gritty; about how hard things are and about the exhausting battle every day of trying to figure out what is going on and what I'm supposed to do about it and how I'm supposed to go about doing it with the resources I have.  I don't fill these posts with all of that because it doesn't always reflect well on G and he has had enough people noticing his less than wonderful qualities and doesn't need more of that.  My intention was to write about his successes, about how this year healed his hurts, about our journey through it.  I didn't realize how much of this journey was going to be about me as much as it is about him, or that it was going to be important to talk about the ugly stuff as well as the pretty stuff (ah, balance, there is that word again!)...because the truth is that any journey is not just the destination, but the path you take to get there.

I have been in a funk and sort of spiraling downwards lately.  Parenting is hard, parenting alone is an extra challenge, parenting alone and as a stay at home mom, with a limited circle of support has been a foreign country to me and I am not a very good traveler!  It's exhausting to be with G all the time. When I was at home with him in the beginning, it was easy.  He was a teensy helpless infant at at first.  And then he was an aware and curious and engaged baby.  He became a smart, quick thinking, active and funny toddler with a great sense of fun and enthusiasm.  Then I went to work.  He was 15 months at first, and maintained his adorable inquisitive and happy nature...until he didn't.  When he was about 22 months, I began working full time, and have continued at full time up until my last day on August 4th of this year:  two years and two months of being away from my son (who is now 4 years and 3 months old) for almost 10 hours a day, every weekday. Just about half his life.
Therefore, I was deliberate in my attention/time with him at every opportunity because my time was limited, a few hours each evening was all we had together aside from the weekend.  Every moment counted and I measured it out in increments and made each one matter.

Now that I'm with him 24/7 I keep feeling like I need a break, I need some "me time" and time for some "self care" but I don't know how to get it or when it is going to happen, so - without deliberate intention - I have been emotionally disengaging from him (and from everything) as a way to get a break of some kind.  I'm burying myself into scrolling Facebook, checking emails, making lists on Amazon, planning elaborate projects that I will realistically never be able to complete, chatting with friends in a different time zone...and not truly engaging with my son the way I intended, the way I should be, the way he needs me to.

It's a brave choice, what I did, to quit my job and stay home with my hurting son.  And wise - a smart choice - to heal my small boy now, instead of trying to heal him later over scars and thick protective walls.  But it wasn't necessarily thought out very well.  I focused on finances mostly - trying to decide if I actually COULD stay home and still pay my rent and utilities and feed my kids.  Perhaps I should have spent an equal amount of time planning out everything else: how much attention he needs, how much 'me-time' I need, and how to balance those; along with his need for mental stimulation and challenge, and for social interaction, and how I was going to meet all those needs all by myself...or IF I could meet all those needs all by myself.  Today I am wallowing, smack dab, in a pit of self doubt, of worry, of fear...while my beloved boy asks me "why?" and "how come?" and "how?" and "what does that mean?"on a regular basis.  I need time to think about an answer.  But there is no time available.  I need a re-do, a do-over, a fresh start.  There isn't one though.  And that is the whole point of this.  I can't re-do it, not any of it.  I can't just have a "fresh start" or a re-do, I have to just keep going in spite of it all.

So while there is no fresh start, there is this: the ugly messy nitty-gritty dirt of helping a small boy regain trust in adults, relearn boundaries and safety and security, and re-establish hierarchy and rules and the black and white truths that sometimes rules US instead of us ruling them...  and so maybe it is a fresh start after all... 

Week 6 Ending...

One thing I've noticed this week is that while G can clearly ask for what he wants (a new hot wheels car, the wolverine figurine, candy corn...) and can equally get upset when he is denied his request, he does not clearly ask for what he needs.  If he is hungry, he does not say, "Can I have lunch/a snack/something to eat?"  What he does do is say, "my belly hurts/i feel yukky" and then it's a detective game on my part.  Often he can't even identify what he needs even if I offer.  If he says his belly hurts and I offer water or food, he says, "I don't know!"

I feel a sense of shame about this because I see this as a learned behavior.  I think this is a learned behavior on MY part as well though.  I mean, isn't that what a good mom does? Anticipate and identify the needs of your child before they even know it - and then fulfill those needs before your child actually NEEDS them!  That is what I've sort of been intrinsically inclined to do, even considering it as the right thing to do: I know what you need because I'm the mom.  But I can see now, in watching G, how wrong this is.

He needs to identify his own needs, and ask to have them met, or learn to meet them himself. So this week, I'm starting to help him with that.  I'm changing my language as well.  I say things like, "wow, my mouth is dry, I must need some water!" or "My tummy is making noises, I must need to put some food in it!" and even "my head is hurting, I need some water to drink and I need to rest for a few minutes."  and when G is crying I'm starting to say, "What do you need?"   A little while ago he said, "I scratched my foot! help me make it better!"  I asked him, "what do you need me to do?" and when he said, "hug me!" I replied, "you need a hug? ok, ask me for what you need, say, 'i need a hug'" and he did...he said, "I need a hug to make my foot feel better!"  Its a small start, a slow start, but G and I, we will learn it together.  Maybe I'll pass on some of this to my other kids as well, I kind of think they probably need to relearn this along with us!

We definitely had a low key week.  I think we are getting bored with each other now.  I'm going to have to figure out something for us or this is going to be a very long winter ahead!  I have discovered that I am not very good at "playing".  Its not something I have a lot of skill at.  I can set up activities like playdough, coloring, playing a game or watching a movie, but as far as mindless "playing" with lego's or toys, I'm not very good.  Well, perhaps I'm just not very good at following G's rules - which, as you may know if you know any four year olds, tend to change frequently and get made up on the spot.  I may have to work on this skill!  I did try to be more mindful of G napping this week but I think we are at a crossroads of nap/no nap.  If he were physically busier, the nap would happen naturally I think, but many days we aren't quite as busy so the napping is harder for him but still needed by me.  I may have to transition to "quiet time" on his bed so I can get MY refueling time in!  Ah look, an opportunity to identify what I need and to figure out how to meet it for myself!

Week 7 - we are ready for you!

Monday 9/12; Week 6

When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance.  I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different.  I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar.  Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time.  As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self.  Don't we all?  I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time.  Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.

As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time?  Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him?  Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums?  I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do?  According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you!  But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance.  Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy.  Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time.  We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back.  We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns.  We read signs and labels.  We are doing a pretty good job I think.

This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra.  Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice.  But no blood was shed so I call that a win!  He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week.  I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well.  I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much.  He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!

So here we are.  Week 6.  G doesn't talk about preschool at all.  He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice.  He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities.  Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry.  Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem.  If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?"  Makes me laugh every time!  And we do, though.  We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out.  I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool.  I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living.  There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him!  There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...

Monday August 22; Day 11

Day 11 of my new journey as a SAHM.  The start of our 3rd week together.  Two weeks down, and one more started.  Time is such an odd, fluid, constantly flowing entity.  I can't quite catch up to it, can't quite grasp it and hold on to it, can't even keep up with it.  It just keeps going and I'm there in the murky, unsettled ripples of where it's already been and what it's left behind... and the whole time I am chasing after an endlessly energetic boy who is being chased by time, not being carried on the current of it.

The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I.  I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old.  I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G.  He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly.  I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.

I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5.  the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother.  We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day.  We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything.  So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.

There was whining.  There was complaining,  There was fighting/bickering.  I suppose all that is normal though.  At the beach there was simply more of the same.  It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome!  We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys.  Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.

There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better.  Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G.  He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.

Day 7

Up early, like yesterday, and not loving it but...doing it.  Todays agenda was a "lego fun day" at a library near us so once we got H off to work, we made our way there.  We got there with time to spare...45 minutes of time actually.  sigh.  How come I can't get this stuff right? lol!

We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults.  It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own.  I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker.  Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.

After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and  G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers.  Then things got a little less sweet on the way home.  G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it.  It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!"  All that was missing was a violin sound track.  For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated.  It's so dramaaaatic!  I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive.  As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation.  Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool.  Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse?  Sigh.  As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears.  I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself.  I put  my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours.  A teachable moment indeed.  Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?

I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept.  Pretty typical for a SAHM I think.  Then I did laundry.  It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.

We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice.  G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister.  I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture.  Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do.  And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.

Day 6

I'm not counting the weekend days, because, well, because it's my blog and I can do it however I want to.  That kind of logic is apparently the best kind of logic that actually truly works with 4 year olds.  It's all about power, and I'm having to learn to really throw mine around a little.

I anticipated that routine, time, and structure would be things that I struggled with as I entered the daily life of a SAHM.  I didn't quite realize how MUCH I would struggle, or that G would struggle too, but those things are hitting home rapidly.  In the counting of days, today is my 6th weekday in which I am not working but staying home to raise my son...but it is also the 11th day in a row that I have pretty much parented him 24/7 and we are both beginning to fray around the edges a wee bit. Its a learning process for us, and I want to be gentle with my thoughts as we navigate this new territory.

He isn't used to me being in his face 24/7 anymore than I am used to him being in my face 24/7. He isn't used to not having nine and a half hours of structured daycare/preschool routine.  I'm not used to NOT rushing to get out the door in the morning and then rushing thru an evening routine so he gets to bed on time. I used to be very deliberate about the time I spent with him on the weekend because I got so very little time with him during the week and I wanted to have fun times of connection with my son at every opportunity.  I still do want those fun times of connection, but now I also sometimes want a little space, as does he!  So thats my goal this week: structure, routine, space, time management.  Yes, yes, I do hear the universe laughing at me, you don't need to point it out.

I got up early as if I were going to work, at 6:15 - not AS early, but still way before I expected G to wake up.  I had my water and my coffee, surfed the net briefly, then laid out our meals for the week and a grocery list that took into account my very slim budget.  Oh wine, I am going to miss you.  I made a daily list of what activities were available for us to do together for fun, a list of things that I needed to do this week, and incorporated my daughter H's work schedule because I am still a chauffeur for her, and as a single parent, I am the only one around to shoulder that responsibility too.  I stretched out some muscles that have been complaining loudly to me (at my age, lots of my muscles are complaining but these particular ones have been particularly hateful towards me of late) and when G got up, I felt mostly sane.  I let him play on his Kindle while I got his breakfast and then got my own shower and self care out of the way.  When I told him to turn off his Kindle at 10, and that it was going to be a new rule, he didn't even argue.  Hmm.  Well.  That was easy?  Yes, yes, laughing universe, I know.

Its been too hot to play outside since last week really but we did get out for a little bit today out of necessity (for the love of everything go outside and run a little kid, ok?) and that was about as exciting as it got unless you count the trip to the grocery store.   Which really, it is pretty exciting to see how far money can actually stretch!  Anyway, in the coming days, I'm aiming to see if I can pull together some sort of routine and some regular educational activities we can do either daily or weekly.  I'm sure it will be easier when it's cooler outside (and inside!) so I have plenty of time for planning.  He's already reading a little so it's not the academics I'm worried about, just the stimulation in general.  If he's bored, he's in trouble!

I am still doing last minute tasks related to getting H set up for school.  She had been living with her dad for a while and during her senior year of high school a lot of details fell thru the cracks so there is some last minute scrambling to get her registered for her classes at the local community college and sort out her schedule at work too.  H requires a lot of direction and guidance so it can be a little time consuming, and it is also another example of adjusting my expectations about how something should play out.  A lot of adjusting of my expectations.

I imagine, in my wild dreams, all of this would be easier if this were a two parent household.  (what is with all the laughing in the universe today?) Or if there was more income.  Or perhaps ANY kind of income, ha ha.  Or maybe if we weren't all three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment. Then everything would just...flow.  Right?  It's moments like this that I sometimes feel the pull of getting back together with G's dad just for the logistics of income, space, and having another adult available to share some of the burdens...but actually I did that once before and though those things did play out in some ways, it also played out in ways that still stick with me and bruise up my heart too much.  So. We have what we have, we live where we live, and at the end of the day, everyone is tucked in safely to our nest and all seems right with the world.  You can't really buy that feeling.

I have some income prospects on the horizon, I have a meal plan and a budget, I have some amazing friends near by and a crazy supportive online community that feels as real as my 17 year long friendship with my Karen who lives 2 miles away...and I am trusting the universe to help me out, even as it laughs at me. A sense of humor is important after all!  It already is proving itself in caring for us - I mean, the lizard is still alive, so there's that!

Onward to day 7 and a wild plan for the library and Lego Club!

Day Two

Yesterday was the first full day I was a stay-at-home-mom (sahm).  I guess in the overall scheme of things, it went exactly as planned.  That is, to say, that it didn't, at all.

We ended up driving my ex's daughter, J2, from his house where she'd stayed the night, to her home an hour away with both G and H included in the ride.  *two teenage girls, loud music, singing along and being recorded, and much much much laughter* Once we reached our destination, we made a brief detour to a candy store because, well, candy.  Finally we drove home with the hope to make it in time to get H home to change for work, get her TO work, and then for G and I to make it to a semi-playdate/semi-interview.  We made it all on time but with less grace and finesse than I'd hoped for.

The playdate/interview was for a short term nanny position that will take care of next months rent. So it is pretty critical for us. It didn't go well mostly because G was about as prickly and thorny and ill mannered as a tired, hot, bored four year old can be so I was mutually irritated and embarrassed which made me awkward and inept.  But it was the third time we've all met together so maybe it wasn't so bad that the other mom got to see us in less than prime behavior. Now she knows!

Griff fell asleep in the car around 5pm, unexpectedly as he'd already napped once on our way back from dropping J2 at her house, and slept thru the transfer from car seat to the house to the couch, slept thru falling off the couch about an hour after that, and continued to sleep until just after 7pm.  Hm.  Maybe that was why he acted like a feral jungle child at our playdate?  I knew this 'nap' was going to ruin the evening and mean he'd probably be awake until 11pm, but then again, I didn't have to get up early for work and he didn't have to get up early for daycare so a late night and sleeping in the next day is no longer an issue, can I get an Amen?

He went to bed a little after 10pm and fell asleep right away and was up around 7:30 this morning which felt reasonable and not at all as bad as I'd imagined.  But, all of that was yesterday.  Today is a new day!

We made a King Arthur Flour recipe for Baking Soda Biscuits this morning.  There was flour everywhere.  I am really not exaggerating in the slightest.  Flour.  Everywhere.

Flour, a bowl, a spatula, and a four year old is really not an efficient combination.  However, I didn't feel irritated like I might have in the past, nor did I take over and do it all myself while muttering under my breath.  I didn't sigh with exasperation and G didn't cry or feel disappointed all because I was in a hurry.  This time I didn't have to worry about getting it cleaned up before work or before I went to bed late at night, didn't have to worry about it getting on my clothes, so it was just...part of the total experience.  The smile stretching his mouth and making his eyes crinkle though, and the light in his eyes while he smooshed butter into the flour with his little fingers made all the emotions well up inside my heart like filling a glass full of ice cold water on a hot dry day.  His running commentary (4's talk a LOT!) was so awesome - sometimes humorous, sometimes enlightened, sometimes off the wall and sometimes he was just talking to the spatula.  He may not remember this moment in another week, even I may not remember this exact moment or the feelings of love that bubbled up and threatened to spill out of my eyes, but I know it went one step further towards healing his spirit.

Today promises to be full of the unplanned.  Oh, I have a list alright.  Yard work, a haircut for G, and some long distance drive practice for H...and I might clean up some of that flour thats on my floor, and on the table, and dusted on the wall...or not.

On a practical note, I'm watching my budget but I'm not being as careful with it as I should be.  I want to have some fun with G - I don't want my staying home with him to be a punishment for either of us when the goal is to heal his spirit.  So I'm stepping out entirely in faith that God will be watching over us and getting us thru this time financially as well as emotionally.  I have my savings and I know we are ok thru October and I know I can plan ahead a little but I am not going to be frantic about it.  I trust God.  I trust the universe.  I trust in goodness.  I trust that taking care of my child who is hurting is the very thing I am supposed to be doing.  Please, if I forget that?  Remind me.