10/2; Week 9, RIDICULOUS

Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not working my 8-4, M-F, dress up and make up, income producing job; of running on a tight timeline and alarms and schedules and rushing and driving to work with worry in my heart. Nine weeks of yoga pants and fuzzy socks and no makeup and no alarms and no planned routines.
Nine weeks of processing what it means, what new schedules and routines should (or shouldn't) be, what my expectations are, (and which ones are ridiculous and need to be let go of), of budgeting and counting pennies and planning ahead and negotiating kinks and figuring out what all of this means...to me.

Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not being rushed off to daycare and being dropped into the midst of bright, noisy, chaos, of bringing lunch and snack and extra clothes and stuffy bear for naptime.
Nine weeks of not missing momma all day, of not fighting over toys, rules, routines; of not being forced to share, no waiting and taking turns; of not being scolded, overlooked, unheard, excluded, and getting negative attention, for just doing what I do; of not having to cry, or hold back feelings, of not feeling safe.
Nine weeks of processing what it means now to be home, what new schedules and routines are in place (or not), what the expectations are (or aren't), of doing things one on one with momma or my sister, of making choices that I want to make and experiencing things fresh and new right in the middle of the day!  Like, the library, the movies, story time at the big book store, going to visit friends of momma's, hiking the rail trail and collecting pinecones.
Nine weeks of learning how to ask for what I want, and to ask for what I need like momma is teaching me, and of how to get positive attention, and of hugging and kissing and sitting and staying in and going out and playgrounds and hiking and settling in to the natural ebb and flow of rhythms that work...for me.

Things are falling into place.  The universe, or God, is leveling it all out, taking care of us, providing income and time and giving us opportunities to learn from.  We've made friends, with each other, as well as with others, and learned how to be bored with each other and how to enjoy each other.  A lot of the learning has been on my end, truthfully.  I've had to learn a lot about what matters, and what doesn't, and it isn't an easy thing for me.  I'm a little older and I've been down this parenting road before but instead of making it easier, it means I kind of have some pre concieved expectations of how this should go.  I've been wrong about almost everything.

Things are falling into place.  I'm eating good food and checking them off on my food chart so I have enough vegetables and protein.  I'm having fun playing superhero's with momma; not as much fun as when my papa plays, but still fun!  I'm bored and restless sometimes but momma makes me play with my toys or run around outside and I forget that I'm bored.  I think this is how it is supposed to be.  I mean, I don't know, isn't this just what everyone else does too?

The one thing I was right about?  Quitting my job to stay home with my 4 year old son.

Lately I've heard from more and more parents, and particularly parents of little boys, with stories similar to ours.  Daycare providers with rigid expectations hidden behind creative descriptions of "developmentally appropriate routines"; teachers with poor communication skills taking to texting about behavior issues, calling parents out on a 2 year old that hits, or a 3 year old that doesn't want to sit still during circle time.  Little boys being called "violent" or "anti-social"; parents being asked to consider psychiatry evals and medication - we are talking about kids as young as 2!  As far as my knowledge reaches (a pre-college career of babysitting since age 11, a college education and 4 children, a career in infant development/parenting, and family advocacy) age 2 is still a BABY.  Maybe some of those 'babies' are precocious and talking and and seeming to be mini-adults, but they are, by and large, babies.  A baby does not have a behavior disorder. Let me be clear.  Neither does the average 3 or 4 year old.  I am appalled at the stories I've heard.  Validated, sure, but appalled.

Griffin has some undesirable behaviors that we are working on, and isn't that what we are supposed to be doing? As parents, but also as teachers in a daycare or preschool, it's about teaching, instructing, leading by example, reinforcing - it's all a process.  And because behavior is about feeling and emotion, about situation and circumstance, and a dozen other variables, you can't expect to teach them once and never have to review it again... it is not the same as learning the alphabet or the value of the numbers 1-10.  Its about developing the capacity for patience and control: things that aren't in place with toddlers and preschoolers and so "behavior issues" are not issues at all - they are just behaviors.

Developmentally, skill and behavior are always undergoing change, maturation, development.  Even adults learn new behaviors and social skills thru workplace training, interpersonal development, and experience.  What?  Oh, you mean "experience"?  Yeah, thats a THING.  Skills are developed, manners learned, appropriate interactions taught - through experience.  Not thru inherent assimilation. So you can't say that a 3 year old, with only 3 years worth of life skills (and only about 1.5 years of that having any concrete value) is in need of psychiatric evaluation, or professional intervention, until you have put in the actual time and effort of working through those behaviors.  Seriously.  What has our entire educational system come to that early education workers are feeling like they need to advocate for psychiatric evaluations on BABIES??

Be patient.  Be kind.  Be accepting.  Make no assumptions.  Take things as they are - when dealing with tiny children - and be accommodating of the genuine honesty and integrity of small humans... and don't be physically abusive to them...no matter how frustrating and infuriating and discombobulating they might be... they are just learning things, all fresh and new, and practicing them moment by moment.  Just love them...ridiculously!

Week 6 Ending...

One thing I've noticed this week is that while G can clearly ask for what he wants (a new hot wheels car, the wolverine figurine, candy corn...) and can equally get upset when he is denied his request, he does not clearly ask for what he needs.  If he is hungry, he does not say, "Can I have lunch/a snack/something to eat?"  What he does do is say, "my belly hurts/i feel yukky" and then it's a detective game on my part.  Often he can't even identify what he needs even if I offer.  If he says his belly hurts and I offer water or food, he says, "I don't know!"

I feel a sense of shame about this because I see this as a learned behavior.  I think this is a learned behavior on MY part as well though.  I mean, isn't that what a good mom does? Anticipate and identify the needs of your child before they even know it - and then fulfill those needs before your child actually NEEDS them!  That is what I've sort of been intrinsically inclined to do, even considering it as the right thing to do: I know what you need because I'm the mom.  But I can see now, in watching G, how wrong this is.

He needs to identify his own needs, and ask to have them met, or learn to meet them himself. So this week, I'm starting to help him with that.  I'm changing my language as well.  I say things like, "wow, my mouth is dry, I must need some water!" or "My tummy is making noises, I must need to put some food in it!" and even "my head is hurting, I need some water to drink and I need to rest for a few minutes."  and when G is crying I'm starting to say, "What do you need?"   A little while ago he said, "I scratched my foot! help me make it better!"  I asked him, "what do you need me to do?" and when he said, "hug me!" I replied, "you need a hug? ok, ask me for what you need, say, 'i need a hug'" and he did...he said, "I need a hug to make my foot feel better!"  Its a small start, a slow start, but G and I, we will learn it together.  Maybe I'll pass on some of this to my other kids as well, I kind of think they probably need to relearn this along with us!

We definitely had a low key week.  I think we are getting bored with each other now.  I'm going to have to figure out something for us or this is going to be a very long winter ahead!  I have discovered that I am not very good at "playing".  Its not something I have a lot of skill at.  I can set up activities like playdough, coloring, playing a game or watching a movie, but as far as mindless "playing" with lego's or toys, I'm not very good.  Well, perhaps I'm just not very good at following G's rules - which, as you may know if you know any four year olds, tend to change frequently and get made up on the spot.  I may have to work on this skill!  I did try to be more mindful of G napping this week but I think we are at a crossroads of nap/no nap.  If he were physically busier, the nap would happen naturally I think, but many days we aren't quite as busy so the napping is harder for him but still needed by me.  I may have to transition to "quiet time" on his bed so I can get MY refueling time in!  Ah look, an opportunity to identify what I need and to figure out how to meet it for myself!

Week 7 - we are ready for you!