I don't really want to talk about Tuesday. It was not a good day. G really broke down under the pressure of having the other kids around and there was a travel issue that resulted in us keeping the kids for another full day instead of just a few hours. G full on was wetting his pants and even pee-ing all over the floor and wall in the bathroom...twice. The last time he did that was over a year ago when he had just started the daycare where he was mistreated, and after I had gone away for a week to see my brother and G had to stay with his dad for the first time ever. He just could NOT cope. Not then, and not now. It was a very long day. The 5 yr old pee'd in G's car-seat late Monday night after our Chinese food dinner. I don't mean he wet his pants a little cuz he couldn't hold it, that seat was soaked through and half way up the back. The kid flooded it! I took it in stride in the moment, needing to buy another car seat soon anyway, but from late Monday night thru Tuesday, there was just so much pee.. I might have cried a little.
Today, on the other hand, was such a good day. The universe graced us with something to treasure after that hard stretch. I am so grateful.
I had an interview at my old job for a per-diem nights position which would be perfect. G would sleep while I was gone, either at his dads or at home with big sister H, and about 6 shifts a month would keep me afloat financially. It was in a department that is closely tied to the one I just left so I already know about 1/2 of the staff and as I was touring the unit with the manager, I got to exchange 'hello's' and 'good to see you's' with several doctors/nurses/admins. It was fun. Then I spent another hour visiting my friends from when I worked there. I miss those friends so much. Their support for my decision to leave and take care of G was really heart warming and helped me feel really good about my choice.
When I got home, G was still chillin' in his pj's and watching tv with H. I had left strict instructions that he could just do what he wanted, no need for getting dressed or limiting tv and H took me at my word. She hadn't gotten dressed either! G and I had some lunch together and then we took a nap together. I was a little worried about him, his face looked kind of drawn and pale and his eyes looked heavy. He was either getting sick, or was still stressed out from the past few days. He giggled and talked and snuggled and kissed his way thru the first 10 minutes of laying down with me and then he passed out and snored for almost 2 hours. I slept too - as I said back on day 9 - social interactions can drain me and a nap is usually in order afterwards.
When we woke up, I could see that G looked so much better. He just needed the nap and the snuggles. I figured some fun time was in order so we decided to have an adventure. We got dressed in play clothes and decided on a "hike". Some of you might see small kids hiking actual mountain trails but for me and G, a walk on the nice flat paved rail trail is more our speed, especially when we planned for an ice cream afterward! We drove to the local rail trail head and G carried his 'stuffy bear' and the water, and a couple of important toys in his bat man string bag because...well, you never know when you might need your stuffy bear or your blue marble or your transformer guy.
Walking hand in hand with my sweet sweet boy was such a healing activity for us. He chatted and chatted and chatted and I let his voice wash over me in waves. His little hand in mine was like a weight that grounded me to reality, and purpose, and intention. The solid crunch - crunch - crunch of our feet on the gravel road was a backdrop to some other music being made by our conversation. It was awesome. We collected some acorns and decided they looked like little heads wearing caps. Later on we drew faces on them and made a family. We found a large strip of white beech bark that was cool and we added that to our collection. We saw little hidey-holes at the bases of some trees where chipmunks (or snakes or alligators or dinosaurs maybe!) lived, and listened to the different sounds of crickets and cicadas and birds all around us.
Underlying all of this beautiful time though, was the increasing fear prickling at my senses. A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in broad daylight, on a sunny afternoon, a few miles from me, and all in about a 3 hour timespan of when she went missing to when she was found. It was a horrible horrible crime and I've been sort of irrationally fearful ever since. As soon as G and I started walking I started thinking about it. Started thinking about this woman, abducted in broad daylight on a populated road where she'd been jogging, and how alone I was, there with G. Also, I had inadvertantly chosen a side trail, a dirt bike trail, and not the paved and populated walking trail so it was deserted, which I didn't know until much later. While I felt a little creeped out, I was ok until a bicyclist came by. I made eye contact with the guy, and had my 'serious' face on, and kept my eyes on him the entire time but G was all smiles. "Hi guy! Hiiii!" and waving. Biker guy smiles and replies. All I can think is: he's not sweating, shouldn't he be sweating?why isn't he sweating?what if he's not really a biker? But he kept going up the hill and all I could do is start praying. I prayed for protection, but also for peace of mind. I do not want my happy friendly boy to start being fearful of strangers. I want him to be cautious, but I want to keep that spirit of open friendliness in him. Its not my nature really, I am naturally fearful and cautious, so I adore and value his enjoyment of others. I like that in his character. But as a single woman alone on a deserted trail, I was scared. As G and I walked, my inner alarms were going off like crazy but I still felt really responsible for creating a sense of peace for G. It was exhausting to do that much battle internally. I wonder if that is a feeling he used to have everyday at daycare (or even during our time with the nanny kids): the struggle of knowing how to behave, and the fear of what could happen if he didn't behave, combined with not always knowing how OTHER kids were going to behave and therefore change the circumstances, and how little control he had over it. It take a tremendous amount of energy to carry that. As we reached the start of the trail, I saw the actual paved trail off to the left and had a moment of "duh!". G wanted to explore that one too, so off we went. I might be scared, but I'm also brave. I think the concept I adhere to is that being brave is being scared but doing something anyway. I also like to think that everytime I'm brave, I'm setting an example for G.
When we finally made it back to the car. I asked G what was the best part of our walk and he said two things: walking along the 'clifft' (yep, cliffT!) and seeing the bike riders. He particularly liked the "three wheeled bike" we saw, a recumbent bike being ridden by an older man who did NOT look like he enjoyed it.
An ice cream was our next stop and sitting outside in the sunshine while G became progressively covered in chocolate ice cream was probably my favorite part of the day. Being safe, being happy, being together, sharing something so simple and just watching my son greet every person that walked by us on their way to get their own ice cream was such a treasure to my heart. Thank you universe, and God, and angels, for keeping us safe.
My boy went to sleep tonight after dinner and a long warm tubby, and said, "this was my bestest day in forever!". Mine too pal, mine too.
Showing posts with label Day 9. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Day 9. Show all posts
August 24, 2016
August 18, 2016
Thursday August 18; Day 9
The thing I notice about G, which I've noticed all along but because of circumstances (ie daycare") been unable to negotiate and accommodate is that, like me, he needs a LOT of downtime, alone time, and decompression time. Whenever I do something that taxes my energy like - grocery shopping, going to a mall, or even going on a fun day trip somewhere, I can actually need to sleep it off. Or on a daily basis, it's why I stay up very very late at night after everyone else is asleep or why I get up ridiculously early while everyone else STAYS asleep. Thats how I recharge, how I bring balance to my extreme "introvert" state. I might appear funny and outgoing and kind hearted, but inside I am just planning my escape, LOL.
I think this is how G operates; although with far less insight and self awareness. In a daycare with a structure and routine and plan, there isn't really an option for "recharge" or "decompress". His last daycare had a lovely little "quiet corner" where kids could go to sit, be alone, and chill out. But it was, after all, just a chair on a rug in the corner of a busy active room. The volume of the other kids was still the same. The motion and color and visual/auditory input was still present, and there would always be the one other kid who also needed it and the ensuing struggle of sharing that "quiet" space.
All of that in conjunction with a far less ability for self control and self comforting/soothing - it's no wonder he had a difficult time settling into a preschool/daycare setting. Then combined with a provider who used physical force and shame and anger to discipline him when he wasn't able to cope? God... it must have been a form of torture, preschool style, and I cannot now erase that thought from my heart. Much like he can't erase it from his.
Today we went to spend time with our new nanny-friends. The kids played for awhile first, and then we needed to do some boring grown up errands like, Walmart.
The other thing about G is that he doesn't progressively deteriorate in behavior - he goes from "ok, this is awesome and fun" to "I CANT HANDLE SHIT" in the blink of an eye. I've been looking at his sleep patterns, the natural time he seems tired or hungry, and noting the kinds of activity or time of day that he seems to be tired or overwhelmed and it STILL takes me by surprise when it happens. I may need to write it all down in detail to see if I can find a better pattern or create a stronger awareness - but for now, lets just say that we had a "thing" in the middle of Walmart and it was totally my fault...as was the "thing" we had after bathtime.
At Walmart we were randomly browsing items as we made our way from one side of the store to the complete opposite side to compare prices on an item: why they had one version of it in the automotive department on one side, and another version in homegoods on the opposite side I will never understand, but hey, Thanks Walmart! And F.U., also... just saying. Anyway. It was fun and goofy and then suddenly it wasn't. It went from, "wow! look at that transformer!" to "i waaaaannna gooooo hoooooome! I'm hunnnnnngry! I'm toooo tired!" at which point it devolved into me snapping, him crying, a few sharp words muttered through gritted teeth and then we made our way over to the snack aisle and picked up some crackers. A miraculous cure! Right back to happy, cooperative, accommodating, friendly, charming... and he munched crackers while I searched out 3 perfect greeting cards. Weird. It was like the Snickers commercial for "hangry". Spot on. Hm... Must investigate this concept very very carefully. How can I prevent this?
And then the same exact behavior played out later on after we were back, playing in the room with toys, before lunch. I sorted out the sharing issues with only minor stomping and fussing (G, not me!) and then after he ate there was another whole meltdown and he couldn't put on shoes, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't even accept that we'd be back tomorrow: I carried my shoeless pal to the car and buckled him in for the 12 minute drive home. He fell asleep, slept thru the transfer in to the couch, slept for another 2 hours...and woke up like the cutest, sweetest, most adorable little monkey you've ever met. My word. What is this - sleep, low blood sugar?, artificial foods sensitivities? Must think hard on this...it could be a game changer if I can figure out a key component.
When he woke up it was almost 4pm. He wanted his Kindle, and given that he'd had such limited electronic use so far, I said yes. He took that Kindle into the bedroom where it was a little dark (thank you black-out curtains!) and stayed there the rest of the evening. I had to bully him into coming out to eat dinner with his daddy who had stopped by to say hello; had to bully him into a tubby afterward, and then to bed. All of that met with resistance, very vocally, and a lot of tears. Of course, he ate everything and asked for seconds, and thirds, of the dinner he did NOT want to eat; and then he spent almost 30 minutes in that tubby that he didn't want to get into; and then he had to sleep in my bed which he had previously said he would NEVER ever EVER sleep in AGAIN! Hm.
It was a long day with this boy today. A day in which I felt defeated a lot, amused a lot, aggravated a lot, and all mixed up with some general curiousity about how to make everything tie together so it gets better, easier, and sweeter. I love playing detective sometimes at work - I want to find the answer to THIS for G...and for me. I feel like the answer or the key will help to make him more successful overall in his future. In the meantime, I can carry snacks in my purse, watch his intake of sugar and artificials (do NOT get me started about the cost of whole foods vs fake foods!) and try to be aware of his sleep times, and think about his social skills, academic skills, health and well-being, our finances, the politics and our government, the environment, the lizard... and H's success at college... and J2's success at college, and N and S navigating adulthood on their own... oh god I'm tired.
I mostly like to deal with all of this with humor. A lot of self deprecating derpiness. Making other people laugh at MY expense is kind of a thing I like to do. I'm getting really good at it, ask Tina or Molly if you want to! But days like today leave me a little battered, a little dusty and used up, a little sunken and in need of something soft.
I will say good night to this day, and I will lay in bed with G who is decked out in Minion PJ pants, a white T, and batman socks, and I will utter a thankful prayer to God for the upcoming nanny opportunities He has provided and for the sturdy, solid, snoring little boy who will lay in my arms as if he never yelled at me, "I don't LIKE you! You are MEAN! I don't want to be your FRIEND anymore!" and I will think of all the people out there who are thinking of us - and I will pray blessings and fortune for all of THEM.
Tomorrow's another day, and I am NOT afraid... so bring on the rain!
I think this is how G operates; although with far less insight and self awareness. In a daycare with a structure and routine and plan, there isn't really an option for "recharge" or "decompress". His last daycare had a lovely little "quiet corner" where kids could go to sit, be alone, and chill out. But it was, after all, just a chair on a rug in the corner of a busy active room. The volume of the other kids was still the same. The motion and color and visual/auditory input was still present, and there would always be the one other kid who also needed it and the ensuing struggle of sharing that "quiet" space.
All of that in conjunction with a far less ability for self control and self comforting/soothing - it's no wonder he had a difficult time settling into a preschool/daycare setting. Then combined with a provider who used physical force and shame and anger to discipline him when he wasn't able to cope? God... it must have been a form of torture, preschool style, and I cannot now erase that thought from my heart. Much like he can't erase it from his.
Today we went to spend time with our new nanny-friends. The kids played for awhile first, and then we needed to do some boring grown up errands like, Walmart.
The other thing about G is that he doesn't progressively deteriorate in behavior - he goes from "ok, this is awesome and fun" to "I CANT HANDLE SHIT" in the blink of an eye. I've been looking at his sleep patterns, the natural time he seems tired or hungry, and noting the kinds of activity or time of day that he seems to be tired or overwhelmed and it STILL takes me by surprise when it happens. I may need to write it all down in detail to see if I can find a better pattern or create a stronger awareness - but for now, lets just say that we had a "thing" in the middle of Walmart and it was totally my fault...as was the "thing" we had after bathtime.
At Walmart we were randomly browsing items as we made our way from one side of the store to the complete opposite side to compare prices on an item: why they had one version of it in the automotive department on one side, and another version in homegoods on the opposite side I will never understand, but hey, Thanks Walmart! And F.U., also... just saying. Anyway. It was fun and goofy and then suddenly it wasn't. It went from, "wow! look at that transformer!" to "i waaaaannna gooooo hoooooome! I'm hunnnnnngry! I'm toooo tired!" at which point it devolved into me snapping, him crying, a few sharp words muttered through gritted teeth and then we made our way over to the snack aisle and picked up some crackers. A miraculous cure! Right back to happy, cooperative, accommodating, friendly, charming... and he munched crackers while I searched out 3 perfect greeting cards. Weird. It was like the Snickers commercial for "hangry". Spot on. Hm... Must investigate this concept very very carefully. How can I prevent this?
And then the same exact behavior played out later on after we were back, playing in the room with toys, before lunch. I sorted out the sharing issues with only minor stomping and fussing (G, not me!) and then after he ate there was another whole meltdown and he couldn't put on shoes, couldn't say goodbye, couldn't even accept that we'd be back tomorrow: I carried my shoeless pal to the car and buckled him in for the 12 minute drive home. He fell asleep, slept thru the transfer in to the couch, slept for another 2 hours...and woke up like the cutest, sweetest, most adorable little monkey you've ever met. My word. What is this - sleep, low blood sugar?, artificial foods sensitivities? Must think hard on this...it could be a game changer if I can figure out a key component.
When he woke up it was almost 4pm. He wanted his Kindle, and given that he'd had such limited electronic use so far, I said yes. He took that Kindle into the bedroom where it was a little dark (thank you black-out curtains!) and stayed there the rest of the evening. I had to bully him into coming out to eat dinner with his daddy who had stopped by to say hello; had to bully him into a tubby afterward, and then to bed. All of that met with resistance, very vocally, and a lot of tears. Of course, he ate everything and asked for seconds, and thirds, of the dinner he did NOT want to eat; and then he spent almost 30 minutes in that tubby that he didn't want to get into; and then he had to sleep in my bed which he had previously said he would NEVER ever EVER sleep in AGAIN! Hm.
It was a long day with this boy today. A day in which I felt defeated a lot, amused a lot, aggravated a lot, and all mixed up with some general curiousity about how to make everything tie together so it gets better, easier, and sweeter. I love playing detective sometimes at work - I want to find the answer to THIS for G...and for me. I feel like the answer or the key will help to make him more successful overall in his future. In the meantime, I can carry snacks in my purse, watch his intake of sugar and artificials (do NOT get me started about the cost of whole foods vs fake foods!) and try to be aware of his sleep times, and think about his social skills, academic skills, health and well-being, our finances, the politics and our government, the environment, the lizard... and H's success at college... and J2's success at college, and N and S navigating adulthood on their own... oh god I'm tired.
I mostly like to deal with all of this with humor. A lot of self deprecating derpiness. Making other people laugh at MY expense is kind of a thing I like to do. I'm getting really good at it, ask Tina or Molly if you want to! But days like today leave me a little battered, a little dusty and used up, a little sunken and in need of something soft.
I will say good night to this day, and I will lay in bed with G who is decked out in Minion PJ pants, a white T, and batman socks, and I will utter a thankful prayer to God for the upcoming nanny opportunities He has provided and for the sturdy, solid, snoring little boy who will lay in my arms as if he never yelled at me, "I don't LIKE you! You are MEAN! I don't want to be your FRIEND anymore!" and I will think of all the people out there who are thinking of us - and I will pray blessings and fortune for all of THEM.
Tomorrow's another day, and I am NOT afraid... so bring on the rain!
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