Monday 9/12; Week 6

When you do not have a job, and aren't actively seeking one, the days can all run into each other with little variation, a Wednesday feeling the same as a Saturday for instance.  I suppose if I were a super scheduled routine oriented person it might be different.  I have tried that route - the first few days of staying home with G I sought out all the local activities we could go to on any given day and put them all on the calendar.  Some days it seemed we had to choose between two or even three activities that were all happening at the same time.  As much as G likes to go out and do things though (he is super smart and has a very very busy brain that leads him into trouble when he is bored) he also does not like to have to be on a schedule, preferring to go at his own pace, transition when he feels ready, and to have a lot of control over his own self.  Don't we all?  I suppose there is benefit in learning how to adapt to enforced routines, scheduled transitions, etc in preparation for school and life etc but right now is OUR time.  Time for G to get to know himself, trust his environment, trust me, and gain back some control that he lost when an adult decided to steal that away him.

As I've moved through the past 5 weeks I've battled with myself about how to navigate this time. Should I be structuring our days? Should I be limiting kindle/tv screen time?  Should I be doing specific preschool activities with him?  Should we join a class of some kind? Go to story-time? Do educational activities at museums?  I mean, isn't that what GOOD parents do?  According to Pinterest, I should be cooking with him, setting up sensory play stations, doing science experiments with food coloring and dish soap, or I could be journaling with him, we could learn music together on youtube, we could volunteer somewhere - oh all the ways I am failing my son are right there on Pinterest, let me tell you!  But after last week, in which we did absolutely nothing, every single day, and in which G woke up when he wanted to, napped in the car on a drive to pick up H (or didn't nap at all) and went to bed whenever he was so tired that his behavior resembled flying monkeys... I think its again coming down to balance.  Some days neither of us have the energy to pull it all together in time to get to a story hour, or I don't feel like dealing with the unknown factors of going to a place we've never been to do an activity he might not even enjoy.  Watching G zoom around the backyard talking to himself as he imagines superheroes fighting off giant spiders, or seeing him come inside to get his own water by getting his stool and climbing up to reach the tap, or listening to him explain a drawing he's made of a submarine with wings and rocket boosters and a special port for 'the guys' to get out, or building lego's with him seem like a pretty good way to spend our time.  We go grocery shopping and make friends with anyone who will smile back.  We go to the playground and practice sharing and taking turns.  We read signs and labels.  We are doing a pretty good job I think.

This weekend did show me, again, that I do need to watch out for G's level of over stimulation and his overall mood before subjecting ourselves to anything extra.  Going to the playground at 3:30 in the afternoon on a hot day when he didn't nap and was already fractious was probably not my wisest choice.  But no blood was shed so I call that a win!  He is still fighting off a cold from last week complete with stuffy nose and occasional cough, and he has a couple of mosquito bites which he has big reactions to so we will still keep it low key again this week.  I do have a new employee orientation coming up and I feel a little anxiety about the upcoming training I have to do and the amount of time I'll need to be away from him and how that will play out but I have trusted the universe with all things lately so I'm trusting it with this thing as well.  I'll need some consistent childcare for 4 days in a row for a couple of weeks and I am hopeful I can find something that works for G without disrupting him too much.  He doesn't do very well when his older siblings are in charge and I'm sure I know why, but getting them on board to make things better hasn't been very successful!

So here we are.  Week 6.  G doesn't talk about preschool at all.  He's mentioned one or two friends but only once or twice.  He's so amazing and I"m so glad I get to spend this time with hims whether its unstructured or routine, whether it's boring errands or pinterest worthy activities.  Watching him grow and change is a gift, even on the bad days when both of us cry.  Ever since the day I made him sit on the couch with the little guy I was nannying so they could 'work it out', he suggests that as a resolution to just about every problem.  If I say, "G, I really need you to stop/start XYZ so how can we come up with a solution?" He replies, "how 'bout we sit on the couch and work it out?"  Makes me laugh every time!  And we do, though.  We sit on the couch, we talk, and we work things out.  I love that this has become something he sees as a valuable tool.  I feel like we are just entering a stage where I can start seeing more positive changes as he feels more and more settled into our new way of living.  There were donuts for breakfast today so life feels pretty good to him!  There will be carrots at lunch though, because, balance...

Thursday 9/1; Day 19

Wednesday was a long and exhausting day of internal battle.

I fought with myself over certain lifestyle choices I've made and the choices I could have made instead.

I fought with demons that I can't seem to shake, who torment me with guilt and doubt and regret.

I fought with my intuition, my obligation, my nature and my nurture...and I fought with my very soul. I also fought with a very small, very fierce, 4 year old.  At the end of it all, there was not a winner, but because the universe is inherently good, there was not a definite loser either.  At the end of it all, every child I was in charge of was asleep in his/her own bed, every adult that mattered was also asleep in his/her own bed (or at least asleep in A bed!), and I managed to get almost 3 full hours of sleep before Thursday arrived.

Thursday dawned grey, damp, and with rain clouds looming.  But the bright, easy, and genuine grin beaming from G's face was all the sun I needed.  After days of tension and struggle, this day was all ours and ours alone.  I smiled as much as he did and we spent a sweet quiet morning snuggling on the couch and reconnecting.  A slow paced trip to the grocery store and the acquisition of a new toy plus the impromptu purchase of usually forbidden hot-dogs made it a total win for G.  He slipped easily into a nap and then when he woke up, he played quietly on his own under the watchful eyes of his big sister while I went to an interview.  Later, he ate like I've never seen - a snack, a full dinner including never before eaten Salmon, and then dessert, and then another two snacks afterward.  We chatted about the next day's activities and the little one we would be nannying together, how we were going to take care of him just for one day, and that he was a little guy who needed a big boy to help take care of him.  A friend of mine had suggested that maybe I take the time to give G a very clear timeline of any nanny gigs to help him process it, to help him understand that it would be a finite experience, that it would have a beginning and an end.  I hope it helps my boy, because what we both went thru the past few days was really hard, and I want to heal my son, not cause him more hurt.

And with that in mind, I am joyfully celebrating a couple of victories tonight.  Grateful for the income that nanny-ing has given us in this fragile time, but knowing it is not ideal for us, for G, I was so grateful to accept the offer of the per-diem night shift position I had applied to before leaving my job.  They called me today as I was on my way home from a different interview for some overnight postpartum doula work I agreed to.  The universe is so openly protecting and providing for me right now that I can hardly bear to acknowledge it for fear of it slipping away like some big teaser.  I try to remind myself that I am the daughter of God, I am a child of the Universe.  I AM value and worth, and my son is deserving of ME - and therefore I am deserving of what God and the universe provide so that I can provide, for him.  And that is the end of Day 19.

Wednesday 8/24; Day 13

I don't really want to talk about Tuesday.  It was not a good day.  G really broke down under the pressure of having the other kids around and there was a travel issue that resulted in us keeping the kids for another full day instead of just a few hours.  G full on was wetting his pants and even pee-ing all over the floor and wall in the bathroom...twice.  The last time he did that was over a year ago when he had just started the daycare where he was mistreated, and after I had gone away for a week to see my brother and G had to stay with his dad for the first time ever.  He just could NOT cope. Not then, and not now. It was a very long day.  The 5 yr old pee'd in G's car-seat late Monday night after our Chinese food dinner.  I don't mean he wet his pants a little cuz he couldn't hold it, that seat was soaked through and half  way up the back. The kid flooded it!   I took it in stride in the moment, needing to buy another car seat soon anyway, but from late Monday night thru Tuesday, there was just so much pee..  I might have cried a little.

Today, on the other hand, was such a good day.  The universe graced us with something to treasure after that hard stretch.  I am so grateful.

I had an interview at my old job for a per-diem nights position which would be perfect.  G would sleep while I was gone, either at his dads or at home with big sister H, and about 6 shifts a month would keep me afloat financially.  It was in a department that is closely tied to the one I just left so I already know about 1/2 of the staff and as I was touring the unit with the manager, I got to exchange 'hello's' and 'good to see you's' with several doctors/nurses/admins.  It was fun.  Then I spent another hour visiting my friends from when I worked there.  I miss those friends so much.  Their support for my decision to leave and take care of G was really heart warming and helped me feel really good about my choice.

When I got home, G was still chillin' in his pj's and watching tv with H.  I had left strict instructions that he could just do what he wanted, no need for getting dressed or limiting tv and H took me at my word.  She hadn't gotten dressed either!  G and I had some lunch together and then we took a nap together.  I was a little worried about him, his face looked kind of drawn and pale and his eyes looked heavy.  He was either getting sick, or was still stressed out from the past few days.  He giggled and talked and snuggled and kissed his way thru the first 10 minutes of laying down with me and then he passed out and snored for almost 2 hours.  I slept too - as I said back on day 9 - social interactions can drain me and a nap is usually in order afterwards.

When we woke up, I could see that G looked so much better.  He just needed the nap and the snuggles.  I figured some fun time was in order so we decided to have an adventure.  We got dressed in play clothes and decided on a "hike".  Some of you might see small kids hiking actual mountain trails but for me and G, a walk on the nice flat paved rail trail is more our speed, especially when we planned for an ice cream afterward!  We drove to the local rail trail head and G carried his 'stuffy bear' and the water, and a couple of important toys in his bat man string bag because...well, you never know when you might need your stuffy bear or your blue marble or your transformer guy.

Walking hand in hand with my sweet sweet boy was such a healing activity for us.  He chatted and chatted and chatted and I let his voice wash over me in waves.  His little hand in mine was like a weight that grounded me to reality, and purpose, and intention.  The solid crunch - crunch - crunch of our feet on the gravel road was a backdrop to some other music being made by our conversation.  It was awesome.  We collected some acorns and decided they looked like little heads wearing caps.  Later on we drew faces on them and made a family.  We found a large strip of white beech bark that was cool and we added that to our collection.  We saw little hidey-holes at the bases of some trees where chipmunks (or snakes or alligators or dinosaurs maybe!) lived, and listened to the different sounds of crickets and cicadas and birds all around us.

Underlying all of this beautiful time though, was the increasing fear prickling at my senses.  A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in broad daylight, on a sunny afternoon, a few miles from me, and all in about a 3 hour timespan of when she went missing to when she was found.  It was a horrible horrible crime and I've been sort of irrationally fearful ever since.  As soon as G and I started walking I started thinking about it.  Started thinking about this woman, abducted in broad daylight on a populated road where she'd been jogging, and how alone I was, there with G.  Also, I had inadvertantly chosen a side trail, a dirt bike trail, and not the paved and populated walking trail so it was deserted, which I didn't know until much later.  While I felt a little creeped out, I was ok until a bicyclist came by.  I made eye contact with the guy, and had my 'serious' face on, and kept my eyes on him the entire time but G was all smiles. "Hi guy! Hiiii!" and waving.  Biker guy smiles and replies.  All I can think is: he's not sweating, shouldn't he be sweating?why isn't he sweating?what if he's not really a biker?  But he kept going up the hill and all I could do is start praying.  I prayed for protection, but also for peace of mind.  I do not want my happy friendly boy to start being fearful of strangers.  I want him to be cautious, but I want to keep that spirit of open friendliness in him.  Its not my nature really, I am naturally fearful and cautious, so I adore and value his enjoyment of others.  I like that in his character.  But as a single woman alone on a deserted trail, I was scared.  As G and I walked, my inner alarms were going off like crazy but I still felt really responsible for creating a sense of peace for G.  It was exhausting to do that much battle internally.  I wonder if that is a feeling he used to have everyday at daycare (or even during our time with the nanny kids): the struggle of knowing how to behave, and the fear of what could happen if he didn't behave, combined with not always knowing how OTHER kids were going to behave and therefore change the circumstances, and how little control he had over it.  It take a tremendous amount of energy to carry that.  As we reached the start of the trail, I saw the actual paved trail off to the left and had a moment of "duh!".  G wanted to explore that one too, so off we went.  I might be scared, but I'm also brave.  I think the concept I adhere to is that being brave is being scared but doing something anyway.  I also like to think that everytime I'm brave, I'm setting an example for G.

When we finally made it back to the car.  I asked G what was the best part of our walk and he said two things: walking along the 'clifft' (yep, cliffT!) and seeing the bike riders.  He particularly liked the "three wheeled bike" we saw, a recumbent bike being ridden by an older man who did NOT look like he enjoyed it.

An ice cream was our next stop and sitting outside in the sunshine while G became progressively covered in chocolate ice cream was probably my favorite part of the day.  Being safe, being happy, being together, sharing something so simple and just watching my son greet every person that walked by us on their way to get their own ice cream was such a treasure to my heart.  Thank you universe, and God, and angels, for keeping us safe.

My boy went to sleep tonight after dinner and a long warm tubby, and said, "this was my bestest day in forever!".  Mine too pal, mine too.

Monday August 22; Day 11

Day 11 of my new journey as a SAHM.  The start of our 3rd week together.  Two weeks down, and one more started.  Time is such an odd, fluid, constantly flowing entity.  I can't quite catch up to it, can't quite grasp it and hold on to it, can't even keep up with it.  It just keeps going and I'm there in the murky, unsettled ripples of where it's already been and what it's left behind... and the whole time I am chasing after an endlessly energetic boy who is being chased by time, not being carried on the current of it.

The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I.  I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old.  I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G.  He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly.  I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.

I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5.  the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother.  We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day.  We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything.  So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.

There was whining.  There was complaining,  There was fighting/bickering.  I suppose all that is normal though.  At the beach there was simply more of the same.  It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome!  We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys.  Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.

There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better.  Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G.  He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.

Friday August 19; Day 10

Things that are getting better by me staying home:

• G no longer wets his pants (something he hadn't done at all until suddenly he started having "accidents" in early summer and only at daycare)
• G is cuddling more, actively reaching out to me for hugs, to hold my hand, to wrap an arm around my leg and lean into me when we are standing somewhere... (these are things he did before he turned 2 and went to daycare full time but he hasn't done much of since then).
• While I don't yet have a full grasp of his natural sleep/eat cycles, I know I will figure it out.  I am letting him drive that process and am learning his natural rhythms - before he went to daycare I used to know he was tired almost before he was tired.  Now I understand that he goes from "OK" to "completely unglued" at warp speed, but I still believe that we can work out the key signals and get back into a groove so we can prevent or at least prepare for the majority of his melt downs.  
• G and I are having FUN together on a regular basis - something that was really missing in our regular day to day lives.  Fun was something I forced us to have on the weekends in between chores and errands and commitments.  (you WILL have fun and you WILL like it, dammit!) Now it's spontaneous, unplanned, and taking each moment as it comes, much like the way that a Mindful Awareness class taught me to pay attention to.  Perhaps I can teach him this concept as we experience this time together?     

Things that are not getting better/staying the same/getting worse by me staying home:

• G still likes to argue with every. single. thing. I. say.  This may be a "4" thing, or it may be part of the distrust that had built up (you know, cuz I'm the one that put him in a place where grown ups hurt him and I'm the one that told him HE needed to do better...I'm the one that didn't protect him) but it's pretty much on-going.  There are moments when it's better, and moments when I am so very DONE with him arguing that the sky is NOT blue or that the ground is NOT wet... note to self: you cannot win an argument with a four year old.  Not without physical force anyway, and I'm just not "that" person.  Side Note: I'm getting really good at losing arguments.
• G still likes to test every. single. boundary.  This is definitely a "4" thing.  I'm pretty sure, at my age and with 3 other children under my belt, I understand that he NEEDS to test boundaries so he feels safe and secure but Mary Mother Of God!!! I'm tired... I'm so so tired of enforcing every boundary, every time, all day, every day.  But that is what I do because that is my responsibility, and mine alone.  And if anyone is going to discipline my fragile, broken hearted boy, I want it to be me.
• G still likes to call all the shots.  Oh yes, this kid has control issues but not all of them can be traced to a lack of power in a crucial moment.. some of them can be traced to me.  I'm sorry, world, but it's true.  I have control issues and so does my four year old.  We make quite the team, let me tell you!

Today I had a final trial run before taking on two extra kids for a nanny position while their single mom is out of town on a business trip.  It was ok.  I think G may have some issues with sharing my attention as well as some issues with sharing things in general.  Over all he is still adjusting to a lot of changes over the past month, which for some kids is an easy string of seamless events but for G is like a huge staircase with steps that are a little too high, a little to narrow, and a few too many.  So at the end of this day, I take yet another deep breath and maybe clench my teeth just a little bit harder one more time, and I hold my son close as I tuck him in bed and I ask God and the universe to watch over us both, again, still, so that we can get through this time intact and with love.  I trust that angels are around us and that all our friends are thinking hopeful positive thoughts for us.