10/2; Week 9, RIDICULOUS

Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not working my 8-4, M-F, dress up and make up, income producing job; of running on a tight timeline and alarms and schedules and rushing and driving to work with worry in my heart. Nine weeks of yoga pants and fuzzy socks and no makeup and no alarms and no planned routines.
Nine weeks of processing what it means, what new schedules and routines should (or shouldn't) be, what my expectations are, (and which ones are ridiculous and need to be let go of), of budgeting and counting pennies and planning ahead and negotiating kinks and figuring out what all of this means...to me.

Nine weeks.
Nine weeks of not being rushed off to daycare and being dropped into the midst of bright, noisy, chaos, of bringing lunch and snack and extra clothes and stuffy bear for naptime.
Nine weeks of not missing momma all day, of not fighting over toys, rules, routines; of not being forced to share, no waiting and taking turns; of not being scolded, overlooked, unheard, excluded, and getting negative attention, for just doing what I do; of not having to cry, or hold back feelings, of not feeling safe.
Nine weeks of processing what it means now to be home, what new schedules and routines are in place (or not), what the expectations are (or aren't), of doing things one on one with momma or my sister, of making choices that I want to make and experiencing things fresh and new right in the middle of the day!  Like, the library, the movies, story time at the big book store, going to visit friends of momma's, hiking the rail trail and collecting pinecones.
Nine weeks of learning how to ask for what I want, and to ask for what I need like momma is teaching me, and of how to get positive attention, and of hugging and kissing and sitting and staying in and going out and playgrounds and hiking and settling in to the natural ebb and flow of rhythms that work...for me.

Things are falling into place.  The universe, or God, is leveling it all out, taking care of us, providing income and time and giving us opportunities to learn from.  We've made friends, with each other, as well as with others, and learned how to be bored with each other and how to enjoy each other.  A lot of the learning has been on my end, truthfully.  I've had to learn a lot about what matters, and what doesn't, and it isn't an easy thing for me.  I'm a little older and I've been down this parenting road before but instead of making it easier, it means I kind of have some pre concieved expectations of how this should go.  I've been wrong about almost everything.

Things are falling into place.  I'm eating good food and checking them off on my food chart so I have enough vegetables and protein.  I'm having fun playing superhero's with momma; not as much fun as when my papa plays, but still fun!  I'm bored and restless sometimes but momma makes me play with my toys or run around outside and I forget that I'm bored.  I think this is how it is supposed to be.  I mean, I don't know, isn't this just what everyone else does too?

The one thing I was right about?  Quitting my job to stay home with my 4 year old son.

Lately I've heard from more and more parents, and particularly parents of little boys, with stories similar to ours.  Daycare providers with rigid expectations hidden behind creative descriptions of "developmentally appropriate routines"; teachers with poor communication skills taking to texting about behavior issues, calling parents out on a 2 year old that hits, or a 3 year old that doesn't want to sit still during circle time.  Little boys being called "violent" or "anti-social"; parents being asked to consider psychiatry evals and medication - we are talking about kids as young as 2!  As far as my knowledge reaches (a pre-college career of babysitting since age 11, a college education and 4 children, a career in infant development/parenting, and family advocacy) age 2 is still a BABY.  Maybe some of those 'babies' are precocious and talking and and seeming to be mini-adults, but they are, by and large, babies.  A baby does not have a behavior disorder. Let me be clear.  Neither does the average 3 or 4 year old.  I am appalled at the stories I've heard.  Validated, sure, but appalled.

Griffin has some undesirable behaviors that we are working on, and isn't that what we are supposed to be doing? As parents, but also as teachers in a daycare or preschool, it's about teaching, instructing, leading by example, reinforcing - it's all a process.  And because behavior is about feeling and emotion, about situation and circumstance, and a dozen other variables, you can't expect to teach them once and never have to review it again... it is not the same as learning the alphabet or the value of the numbers 1-10.  Its about developing the capacity for patience and control: things that aren't in place with toddlers and preschoolers and so "behavior issues" are not issues at all - they are just behaviors.

Developmentally, skill and behavior are always undergoing change, maturation, development.  Even adults learn new behaviors and social skills thru workplace training, interpersonal development, and experience.  What?  Oh, you mean "experience"?  Yeah, thats a THING.  Skills are developed, manners learned, appropriate interactions taught - through experience.  Not thru inherent assimilation. So you can't say that a 3 year old, with only 3 years worth of life skills (and only about 1.5 years of that having any concrete value) is in need of psychiatric evaluation, or professional intervention, until you have put in the actual time and effort of working through those behaviors.  Seriously.  What has our entire educational system come to that early education workers are feeling like they need to advocate for psychiatric evaluations on BABIES??

Be patient.  Be kind.  Be accepting.  Make no assumptions.  Take things as they are - when dealing with tiny children - and be accommodating of the genuine honesty and integrity of small humans... and don't be physically abusive to them...no matter how frustrating and infuriating and discombobulating they might be... they are just learning things, all fresh and new, and practicing them moment by moment.  Just love them...ridiculously!

Monday 8/29; Day 16...and balance

In my daily life, I try to focus on balance.  Balance good nutrition with ice cream, a late night with a next day nap, sadness and grief with some joy and laughter.  If you pay attention enough, you'll recognize the ebb and flow of each day and then when things feel really bad for whatever reason, you can hold onto the knowledge that the balance of it all will return.  It helps me to get thru those tough times, to know that something smoother is just around the corner.  However, I tend to forget that when things are smooth and pretty, there's usually some storms brewing ahead.  Thank you universe!

Saturday night at dinner I served meals to two of my own kiddos (G and H) and the two that I'm nannying, plus J (G's dad).  Six people total.  And, let me remind you, this was not some special planned dinner party! It was one mom feeding a rotating cast of offspring on a hot, summer night.  I pulled off two vegetarian plates, one gluten free/salicylate free plate, one picky eater plate, and food enough for all.  We all sat at the table together and ate and talked and shared and there was a moment of absolute completeness in my heart (save for the fact I was missing two others of my own, plus a couple of J's kids) but it just felt full and sweet and safe and like it was supposed to be exactly the way it was.  I said many many words of gratitude in my mind.  And my imagination is running wild with this joy and with how to recreate it in the future.

and then there's the balance...

I have been frustrated with some of G's behaviors lately.  They mostly seem to be when the nanny-kids are around.  One person said maybe it was a jealousy issue.  I don't think so, but I'm not discounting it entirely.  I feel more like it's related to trust and safety - about how much G trusts me and feels safe with me overall, and somehow when I am in charge of more children, he begins to feel threatened somehow, or maybe his inability to be flexible creates conflict and THEN he feels fear about how that will play out without trust in me to navigate it appropriately?  This ultimately manifests in behaviors where he argues with everything I say and really tries to be in control of everything he can and then gets irrationally upset when he is not in charge.  Also? Everything in life is nooooot fairrrrrrrr; just in case you were wondering.  It's not fair that sometimes he can't be in charge of who is allowed to talk and what the topic is.  The sky isn't blue, its not, it's not at all.  And it isn't only 2:00 in the afternoon, it isn't, no, no it's not at ALL, the clock is wrong, it's NOT FAIR. It is mentally exhausting, for both of us.  Honestly, it exhausts me and makes it really hard to enjoy any time with him because its such a barrage and onslaught of negativity that when he IS being the sweet and tender boy that I know, I'm still seething and irritated as hell.  Oh Universe, are you still laughing?  Of course you are... This nanny gig is one loooong stretch.

These behaviors are only obvious and having an impact when the nanny kids are around, the rest of the time he is his usual sweet, funny self.  And thus, I remain perplexed.

The reason I think it has to do with trust and feeling safe is because these kinds of behaviors were new to him and popped up after he'd been in the daycare center where he was mistreated.  The Child Protective Services program (where I was directed to once I figured out he was being hurt) said that those kinds of oppositional behaviors toward a parent are typical in abuse situations and can stem from a child losing trust in the adult who sent them into the situation where they were hurt.  Ugh.  So, yes, my son lost trust in my ability to keep him safe.  I am a loser.  The truth hurts.  As soon as I pulled him from that place, however, I saw a distinct lessening of those behaviors and he started getting calmer, sweeter, and more cooperative, and more affectionate.  It was a sweet time, although it was very brief.  Once I'd found a new place for him to go to, a lot of those behaviors began surfacing again.  I do temper my observation with the fact that he is often easily overwhelmed, gets tired and over stimulated quickly, and needs a lot of 'alone time'; however those negative and distrustful behaviors went beyond the exceptions.

I took him to a therapist.  I talked to his pediatrician (for the record, she is the same pedi ALL my kids have had, a very trusted female, mom, and professional whom I've had positive difference of opinions with and highly value/trust her opinion; and is someone who knows me and my family). I talked to friends, and non-friends, and I researched mental health issues in preschoolers, and in abused kids, and in average kids.  I researched my own parenting, my triggers, my habitual responses, how to change my parenting/triggers/habitual responses... and Cheezncrackers!!! Nothing shed light on these particular behaviors then, or now.

So if you have a suggestion, or opinion, or some sort of outside insight? Please... please speak up.  Maybe it's just jealousy.  pffft.

Anyway... balance.  It was awesome, and then it wasn't... and everyday that I nanny these sweet kids, it's the same.  There is laughter, and there is frustrated growling.  There are battles for control, battles for authority and position, and subdued, penitent cuddles and apologies.  There is intense connection tempered by animalistic separation.  Oh universe, trusting you is the hardest thing...and when I think of how much I personally believe in and trust my own God, it's even more of a challenge to just throw my hands up and say, "It's all up to you, cuz I have NO power here at all!"  But what else can I do that I haven't already tried?

And maybe, somehow, that is in fact the essential point that I need to embrace.  Trust.  Hope.  Believe.  Honor.  Accept.  That's a lot for day 16...and for a 4 year old...

Wednesday 8/24; Day 13

I don't really want to talk about Tuesday.  It was not a good day.  G really broke down under the pressure of having the other kids around and there was a travel issue that resulted in us keeping the kids for another full day instead of just a few hours.  G full on was wetting his pants and even pee-ing all over the floor and wall in the bathroom...twice.  The last time he did that was over a year ago when he had just started the daycare where he was mistreated, and after I had gone away for a week to see my brother and G had to stay with his dad for the first time ever.  He just could NOT cope. Not then, and not now. It was a very long day.  The 5 yr old pee'd in G's car-seat late Monday night after our Chinese food dinner.  I don't mean he wet his pants a little cuz he couldn't hold it, that seat was soaked through and half  way up the back. The kid flooded it!   I took it in stride in the moment, needing to buy another car seat soon anyway, but from late Monday night thru Tuesday, there was just so much pee..  I might have cried a little.

Today, on the other hand, was such a good day.  The universe graced us with something to treasure after that hard stretch.  I am so grateful.

I had an interview at my old job for a per-diem nights position which would be perfect.  G would sleep while I was gone, either at his dads or at home with big sister H, and about 6 shifts a month would keep me afloat financially.  It was in a department that is closely tied to the one I just left so I already know about 1/2 of the staff and as I was touring the unit with the manager, I got to exchange 'hello's' and 'good to see you's' with several doctors/nurses/admins.  It was fun.  Then I spent another hour visiting my friends from when I worked there.  I miss those friends so much.  Their support for my decision to leave and take care of G was really heart warming and helped me feel really good about my choice.

When I got home, G was still chillin' in his pj's and watching tv with H.  I had left strict instructions that he could just do what he wanted, no need for getting dressed or limiting tv and H took me at my word.  She hadn't gotten dressed either!  G and I had some lunch together and then we took a nap together.  I was a little worried about him, his face looked kind of drawn and pale and his eyes looked heavy.  He was either getting sick, or was still stressed out from the past few days.  He giggled and talked and snuggled and kissed his way thru the first 10 minutes of laying down with me and then he passed out and snored for almost 2 hours.  I slept too - as I said back on day 9 - social interactions can drain me and a nap is usually in order afterwards.

When we woke up, I could see that G looked so much better.  He just needed the nap and the snuggles.  I figured some fun time was in order so we decided to have an adventure.  We got dressed in play clothes and decided on a "hike".  Some of you might see small kids hiking actual mountain trails but for me and G, a walk on the nice flat paved rail trail is more our speed, especially when we planned for an ice cream afterward!  We drove to the local rail trail head and G carried his 'stuffy bear' and the water, and a couple of important toys in his bat man string bag because...well, you never know when you might need your stuffy bear or your blue marble or your transformer guy.

Walking hand in hand with my sweet sweet boy was such a healing activity for us.  He chatted and chatted and chatted and I let his voice wash over me in waves.  His little hand in mine was like a weight that grounded me to reality, and purpose, and intention.  The solid crunch - crunch - crunch of our feet on the gravel road was a backdrop to some other music being made by our conversation.  It was awesome.  We collected some acorns and decided they looked like little heads wearing caps.  Later on we drew faces on them and made a family.  We found a large strip of white beech bark that was cool and we added that to our collection.  We saw little hidey-holes at the bases of some trees where chipmunks (or snakes or alligators or dinosaurs maybe!) lived, and listened to the different sounds of crickets and cicadas and birds all around us.

Underlying all of this beautiful time though, was the increasing fear prickling at my senses.  A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in broad daylight, on a sunny afternoon, a few miles from me, and all in about a 3 hour timespan of when she went missing to when she was found.  It was a horrible horrible crime and I've been sort of irrationally fearful ever since.  As soon as G and I started walking I started thinking about it.  Started thinking about this woman, abducted in broad daylight on a populated road where she'd been jogging, and how alone I was, there with G.  Also, I had inadvertantly chosen a side trail, a dirt bike trail, and not the paved and populated walking trail so it was deserted, which I didn't know until much later.  While I felt a little creeped out, I was ok until a bicyclist came by.  I made eye contact with the guy, and had my 'serious' face on, and kept my eyes on him the entire time but G was all smiles. "Hi guy! Hiiii!" and waving.  Biker guy smiles and replies.  All I can think is: he's not sweating, shouldn't he be sweating?why isn't he sweating?what if he's not really a biker?  But he kept going up the hill and all I could do is start praying.  I prayed for protection, but also for peace of mind.  I do not want my happy friendly boy to start being fearful of strangers.  I want him to be cautious, but I want to keep that spirit of open friendliness in him.  Its not my nature really, I am naturally fearful and cautious, so I adore and value his enjoyment of others.  I like that in his character.  But as a single woman alone on a deserted trail, I was scared.  As G and I walked, my inner alarms were going off like crazy but I still felt really responsible for creating a sense of peace for G.  It was exhausting to do that much battle internally.  I wonder if that is a feeling he used to have everyday at daycare (or even during our time with the nanny kids): the struggle of knowing how to behave, and the fear of what could happen if he didn't behave, combined with not always knowing how OTHER kids were going to behave and therefore change the circumstances, and how little control he had over it.  It take a tremendous amount of energy to carry that.  As we reached the start of the trail, I saw the actual paved trail off to the left and had a moment of "duh!".  G wanted to explore that one too, so off we went.  I might be scared, but I'm also brave.  I think the concept I adhere to is that being brave is being scared but doing something anyway.  I also like to think that everytime I'm brave, I'm setting an example for G.

When we finally made it back to the car.  I asked G what was the best part of our walk and he said two things: walking along the 'clifft' (yep, cliffT!) and seeing the bike riders.  He particularly liked the "three wheeled bike" we saw, a recumbent bike being ridden by an older man who did NOT look like he enjoyed it.

An ice cream was our next stop and sitting outside in the sunshine while G became progressively covered in chocolate ice cream was probably my favorite part of the day.  Being safe, being happy, being together, sharing something so simple and just watching my son greet every person that walked by us on their way to get their own ice cream was such a treasure to my heart.  Thank you universe, and God, and angels, for keeping us safe.

My boy went to sleep tonight after dinner and a long warm tubby, and said, "this was my bestest day in forever!".  Mine too pal, mine too.

Friday August 19; Day 10

Things that are getting better by me staying home:

• G no longer wets his pants (something he hadn't done at all until suddenly he started having "accidents" in early summer and only at daycare)
• G is cuddling more, actively reaching out to me for hugs, to hold my hand, to wrap an arm around my leg and lean into me when we are standing somewhere... (these are things he did before he turned 2 and went to daycare full time but he hasn't done much of since then).
• While I don't yet have a full grasp of his natural sleep/eat cycles, I know I will figure it out.  I am letting him drive that process and am learning his natural rhythms - before he went to daycare I used to know he was tired almost before he was tired.  Now I understand that he goes from "OK" to "completely unglued" at warp speed, but I still believe that we can work out the key signals and get back into a groove so we can prevent or at least prepare for the majority of his melt downs.  
• G and I are having FUN together on a regular basis - something that was really missing in our regular day to day lives.  Fun was something I forced us to have on the weekends in between chores and errands and commitments.  (you WILL have fun and you WILL like it, dammit!) Now it's spontaneous, unplanned, and taking each moment as it comes, much like the way that a Mindful Awareness class taught me to pay attention to.  Perhaps I can teach him this concept as we experience this time together?     

Things that are not getting better/staying the same/getting worse by me staying home:

• G still likes to argue with every. single. thing. I. say.  This may be a "4" thing, or it may be part of the distrust that had built up (you know, cuz I'm the one that put him in a place where grown ups hurt him and I'm the one that told him HE needed to do better...I'm the one that didn't protect him) but it's pretty much on-going.  There are moments when it's better, and moments when I am so very DONE with him arguing that the sky is NOT blue or that the ground is NOT wet... note to self: you cannot win an argument with a four year old.  Not without physical force anyway, and I'm just not "that" person.  Side Note: I'm getting really good at losing arguments.
• G still likes to test every. single. boundary.  This is definitely a "4" thing.  I'm pretty sure, at my age and with 3 other children under my belt, I understand that he NEEDS to test boundaries so he feels safe and secure but Mary Mother Of God!!! I'm tired... I'm so so tired of enforcing every boundary, every time, all day, every day.  But that is what I do because that is my responsibility, and mine alone.  And if anyone is going to discipline my fragile, broken hearted boy, I want it to be me.
• G still likes to call all the shots.  Oh yes, this kid has control issues but not all of them can be traced to a lack of power in a crucial moment.. some of them can be traced to me.  I'm sorry, world, but it's true.  I have control issues and so does my four year old.  We make quite the team, let me tell you!

Today I had a final trial run before taking on two extra kids for a nanny position while their single mom is out of town on a business trip.  It was ok.  I think G may have some issues with sharing my attention as well as some issues with sharing things in general.  Over all he is still adjusting to a lot of changes over the past month, which for some kids is an easy string of seamless events but for G is like a huge staircase with steps that are a little too high, a little to narrow, and a few too many.  So at the end of this day, I take yet another deep breath and maybe clench my teeth just a little bit harder one more time, and I hold my son close as I tuck him in bed and I ask God and the universe to watch over us both, again, still, so that we can get through this time intact and with love.  I trust that angels are around us and that all our friends are thinking hopeful positive thoughts for us.