We are helpers, it's what we do.
That's what I said to G today. I said, "We help people! We are kind, we give what we can and we help!" and I smiled brightly into his little face.
Later on, around 7:30pm, as we got into the car from our last stop before home, after we'd nanny'd at a house more than an hour from us, after we'd stopped and helped a stranded family on a busy main road and lent our phone, our time, and some extra toys and wipes to their sweet baby, after we'd helped with a runaway grocery carraige and some dropped change, G said to me: "Tomorrow is our day right? We can be in our 'jama's and not do any things? We don't hafta take care of anyone else?"
My heart broke.
My eyes opened wide.
My whole soul flooded with awareness, with heartbreak, with love, with regret and peace and deep deep sorrow all at once.
This "healing" my son? Its as much for me as it is for him. The lesson in it all is this: priority.
I need to take care of G. I need to heal G. I need to stop taking in and taking on all the stray 'needs' of others and focus on ONE thing. Right now that is G. I can't go back and fix the mistakes and screwed up priorities from my past, but I can acknowledge and be aware of what my priorities are NOW. I can say "no"; I can say, " I'm sorry, not at this time" and I can say, "oh that's too bad, I wish you luck!" and I can hold my sweet boy in my arms and listen to him tell me about having chocolate chips in my eyes and how yummy that would be, and I can hold his hand as we walk along the sidewalk, pointing out flowers, heart shaped rocks, and acorns with funny 'hats'. I can tuck him in to HIS bed, with stories HE chooses, from HIS bookshelf, and I can lay down and gaze into his chocolate chip eyes and see the whole universe reflected there. I can take care of him, because I am a helper, it's what I do. He needs me. I need him. And that is how this day ends - G and I needing each other, and me deciding that his needs supercede all others.
Bring on Day 21 - I got this!
Showing posts with label Enough. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enough. Show all posts
September 2, 2016
August 16, 2016
Day 7
Up early, like yesterday, and not loving it but...doing it. Todays agenda was a "lego fun day" at a library near us so once we got H off to work, we made our way there. We got there with time to spare...45 minutes of time actually. sigh. How come I can't get this stuff right? lol!
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
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