I don't even know.
I can't even.
I just...ugh.
So there's that... at least...
I think we stayed in pajamas until 2 or 3 pm on Thursday. I totally lost track of the day. I guess it isn't necessarily bad to do that once in awhile, but the pull to do this same thing every day is strong, and THAT is not healthy either physically or mentally. At some point in the day I noticed G being a little restless. So we got dressed and went out to pick up the new car seat we had ordered online for store pick up. We did that, and dropped H off at work, and then came home and put together the new car seat only to realize that it was NOT the right seat for us...and we planned on a return to the store for an exchange. We had also ordered internet service, with H (and FOR H) earlier in the day, so we wrote those dates on our calendar as "big events". I don't even know what we ate for dinner, probably something supremely healthy like cheesesticks and yogurt and saltines...with a side of carrots. Or something like that.
Later on we picked H up from work and then we went to bed. Just another day, just another day in paradise...
Friday was different. Late on Thursday I had connected with an online friend and made plans to meet up with her on Friday for the first time. So Friday morning we woke up and got moving early and quickly! It was a lovely sunny drive on backroads, with sightings of wild turkeys, pig farms, horses and cows, and overall incredible views. Meeting up with someone who is essentially a stranger but yet who has heard you rant and vent and express emotion all over the interwebs can have an awkward lead up to someone as introverted as me. I admit to all kinds of worry and a distinct denial of emotion as a coping method. But then...reality!
Meeting someone I only know online was such fun! Seeing someone live and in person vs Facebook pictures was amazingly seamless and without any awkwardness at all! There were hugs, and laughter, and a communal joy at seeing our boys connect and become partners in crime immediately. Introducing her spouse and my tag-a-long adult daughter eased any tension as well; we were just two women, with wild children and tag a long family members, who connected over shared global perceptions and non-judgemental hearts. It was a great experience...
It was a long day though, and after coming home, dropping H off to work, returning the carseat and buying groceries, we got home in time to pick H back up from work and then devolve into the crankiness of underfed, overtired, too-taxed energy levels, and hormonal women. The day started great, ended very poorly, but overall balanced out well for everyone. Playtime, work time, errand time, and all the detritus in between.
We were all glad to go to sleep on Friday night, with hopes and dreams for a brighter Saturday!
G had such a balance of fun, boredom, interest, irritation and frustration, excitement and stimuli, and even some sadness. And all of those emotions/feelings happened WITH me and with my guidance/boundary setting, and my supervision. I did a good job. I was NOT perfect, ohhhhh no, in fact, I was FAR from perfect, but I was THERE. That matters. That matters a LOT. A lot more than perfection I think, just being there for him was a critical development.
So I'm grateful. Grateful for balance, grateful for being able to 'be there' for my son. Grateful for new friends and new experiences. I'm grateful for being with H as well as G and grateful I had the ability to move my body, drive a significant distance, walk a significant amount of steps, and feel love and acceptance.
Friday and day 15; the end of two full weeks of being at home with my son... and all I feel is gratitude...and exhaustion!
I start my nanny gig again Saturday evening. Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
August 27, 2016
August 22, 2016
Monday August 22; Day 11
Day 11 of my new journey as a SAHM. The start of our 3rd week together. Two weeks down, and one more started. Time is such an odd, fluid, constantly flowing entity. I can't quite catch up to it, can't quite grasp it and hold on to it, can't even keep up with it. It just keeps going and I'm there in the murky, unsettled ripples of where it's already been and what it's left behind... and the whole time I am chasing after an endlessly energetic boy who is being chased by time, not being carried on the current of it.
The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I. I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old. I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G. He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly. I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.
I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5. the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother. We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day. We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything. So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.
There was whining. There was complaining, There was fighting/bickering. I suppose all that is normal though. At the beach there was simply more of the same. It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome! We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys. Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.
There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better. Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G. He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.
The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I. I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old. I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G. He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly. I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.
I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5. the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother. We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day. We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything. So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.
There was whining. There was complaining, There was fighting/bickering. I suppose all that is normal though. At the beach there was simply more of the same. It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome! We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys. Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.
There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better. Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G. He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.
August 16, 2016
Day 7
Up early, like yesterday, and not loving it but...doing it. Todays agenda was a "lego fun day" at a library near us so once we got H off to work, we made our way there. We got there with time to spare...45 minutes of time actually. sigh. How come I can't get this stuff right? lol!
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
We played with 5 ginormous bins of legos that the staff put out about 20 minutes early just for us - thank you Angels! There was some negotiation and whining about sharing, and all between G and I, but I stuck to my guns about it because this is part of what I'm doing here instead of at work: I am re-teaching my son social skills that are acceptable to ME, and modeling how disagreements should be handled by adults. It wasn't too bad but I did feel uncomfortable for a minute or two, wondering if I should just give in and let him put his white lego blocks on the blue wall I was building because he whined that he waaaaaanted to, and that he wasn't evvvvvver gonna get to do it hiiiiiis way, but then the discomfort faded as he slumped away for a second and then came back with a great idea to build something of his own. I didn't even say, "I JUST told you that!" so I gave myself a sticker. Not really, but I totally could have earned one for good behavior.
After that we stopped by his dads house to pick up an extra carseat he was lending us and G sweetly left some freshly picked buttercups in a shot glass and wrote his name on a post it note to leave with the flowers. Then things got a little less sweet on the way home. G can get very...uh..."end of the world attitude" as his dad calls it. It started with, "we are never gonna get home! it's taking too long!" and devolved into, "I'm never gonna get in a car again and no one is ever gonna get to do anything at all ever again in my whole family!" All that was missing was a violin sound track. For some reason, it's always a 'button pusher' for me, always making me instantly on edge and irritated. It's so dramaaaatic! I did my best to breath through it and stay calm during the 20 minute drive. As we pulled into our driveway and I was telling G that he needed to come up with something positive and happy to say to offset the doom and gloom, and that we could go outside and play for awhile as soon as he did, I was gritting my teeth in exasperation. Surely this was a teachable moment if I could keep my cool. Did I mention my own aging hormones are a little loopy these days? Prone to irrational irritation and an extremely short fuse? Sigh. As I was trying to get him to say something happy, he yelled, "I'm not EVER gonna be happy again and so are you gonna not be for the REST of this whole day and I don't WANNA go outside ever again until I'm not even 4 anymore!" aaaaaaaand cue my red face, bulging eyes, and steam pouring out of my ears. I pulled G into the house, him shrieking the whole time, and me muttering, "that is IT, I have HAD it with your attitude, I am NOT going to deal with your ingratitude TODAY" and I wasn't sure if I was talking to him or to myself. I put my hot, sweaty, overtired, overstimulated, very young son to bed where he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost 2 hours. A teachable moment indeed. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate his sleep patterns?
I spent some quality time surfing FaceBook, eating ice cream, and even crying a little bit while he slept. Pretty typical for a SAHM I think. Then I did laundry. It never ends, the laundry, it never ends.
We went to pick up H from work after he woke up, and came home to eat dinner and then went back out so H could do some driving practice. G's evening was completed with a long tubby, being tucked into bed into clean sheets, and being read to by his big sister. I didn't accomplish any major milestones on this day, didn't complete a curriculum plan or secure our finances, didn't break thru any emotional or trust barriers with G, but I was with him, all day, and I kept him safe from strangers, all day...and sometimes that is enough when you consider the big picture. Sometimes "enough" is all that a mom can do. And sometimes, when you pull back and look long at the big picture, "enough" is almost a miracle.
August 15, 2016
Day 6
I'm not counting the weekend days, because, well, because it's my blog and I can do it however I want to. That kind of logic is apparently the best kind of logic that actually truly works with 4 year olds. It's all about power, and I'm having to learn to really throw mine around a little.
I anticipated that routine, time, and structure would be things that I struggled with as I entered the daily life of a SAHM. I didn't quite realize how MUCH I would struggle, or that G would struggle too, but those things are hitting home rapidly. In the counting of days, today is my 6th weekday in which I am not working but staying home to raise my son...but it is also the 11th day in a row that I have pretty much parented him 24/7 and we are both beginning to fray around the edges a wee bit. Its a learning process for us, and I want to be gentle with my thoughts as we navigate this new territory.
He isn't used to me being in his face 24/7 anymore than I am used to him being in my face 24/7. He isn't used to not having nine and a half hours of structured daycare/preschool routine. I'm not used to NOT rushing to get out the door in the morning and then rushing thru an evening routine so he gets to bed on time. I used to be very deliberate about the time I spent with him on the weekend because I got so very little time with him during the week and I wanted to have fun times of connection with my son at every opportunity. I still do want those fun times of connection, but now I also sometimes want a little space, as does he! So thats my goal this week: structure, routine, space, time management. Yes, yes, I do hear the universe laughing at me, you don't need to point it out.
I got up early as if I were going to work, at 6:15 - not AS early, but still way before I expected G to wake up. I had my water and my coffee, surfed the net briefly, then laid out our meals for the week and a grocery list that took into account my very slim budget. Oh wine, I am going to miss you. I made a daily list of what activities were available for us to do together for fun, a list of things that I needed to do this week, and incorporated my daughter H's work schedule because I am still a chauffeur for her, and as a single parent, I am the only one around to shoulder that responsibility too. I stretched out some muscles that have been complaining loudly to me (at my age, lots of my muscles are complaining but these particular ones have been particularly hateful towards me of late) and when G got up, I felt mostly sane. I let him play on his Kindle while I got his breakfast and then got my own shower and self care out of the way. When I told him to turn off his Kindle at 10, and that it was going to be a new rule, he didn't even argue. Hmm. Well. That was easy? Yes, yes, laughing universe, I know.
Its been too hot to play outside since last week really but we did get out for a little bit today out of necessity (for the love of everything go outside and run a little kid, ok?) and that was about as exciting as it got unless you count the trip to the grocery store. Which really, it is pretty exciting to see how far money can actually stretch! Anyway, in the coming days, I'm aiming to see if I can pull together some sort of routine and some regular educational activities we can do either daily or weekly. I'm sure it will be easier when it's cooler outside (and inside!) so I have plenty of time for planning. He's already reading a little so it's not the academics I'm worried about, just the stimulation in general. If he's bored, he's in trouble!
I am still doing last minute tasks related to getting H set up for school. She had been living with her dad for a while and during her senior year of high school a lot of details fell thru the cracks so there is some last minute scrambling to get her registered for her classes at the local community college and sort out her schedule at work too. H requires a lot of direction and guidance so it can be a little time consuming, and it is also another example of adjusting my expectations about how something should play out. A lot of adjusting of my expectations.
I imagine, in my wild dreams, all of this would be easier if this were a two parent household. (what is with all the laughing in the universe today?) Or if there was more income. Or perhaps ANY kind of income, ha ha. Or maybe if we weren't all three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment. Then everything would just...flow. Right? It's moments like this that I sometimes feel the pull of getting back together with G's dad just for the logistics of income, space, and having another adult available to share some of the burdens...but actually I did that once before and though those things did play out in some ways, it also played out in ways that still stick with me and bruise up my heart too much. So. We have what we have, we live where we live, and at the end of the day, everyone is tucked in safely to our nest and all seems right with the world. You can't really buy that feeling.
I have some income prospects on the horizon, I have a meal plan and a budget, I have some amazing friends near by and a crazy supportive online community that feels as real as my 17 year long friendship with my Karen who lives 2 miles away...and I am trusting the universe to help me out, even as it laughs at me. A sense of humor is important after all! It already is proving itself in caring for us - I mean, the lizard is still alive, so there's that!
Onward to day 7 and a wild plan for the library and Lego Club!
I anticipated that routine, time, and structure would be things that I struggled with as I entered the daily life of a SAHM. I didn't quite realize how MUCH I would struggle, or that G would struggle too, but those things are hitting home rapidly. In the counting of days, today is my 6th weekday in which I am not working but staying home to raise my son...but it is also the 11th day in a row that I have pretty much parented him 24/7 and we are both beginning to fray around the edges a wee bit. Its a learning process for us, and I want to be gentle with my thoughts as we navigate this new territory.
He isn't used to me being in his face 24/7 anymore than I am used to him being in my face 24/7. He isn't used to not having nine and a half hours of structured daycare/preschool routine. I'm not used to NOT rushing to get out the door in the morning and then rushing thru an evening routine so he gets to bed on time. I used to be very deliberate about the time I spent with him on the weekend because I got so very little time with him during the week and I wanted to have fun times of connection with my son at every opportunity. I still do want those fun times of connection, but now I also sometimes want a little space, as does he! So thats my goal this week: structure, routine, space, time management. Yes, yes, I do hear the universe laughing at me, you don't need to point it out.
I got up early as if I were going to work, at 6:15 - not AS early, but still way before I expected G to wake up. I had my water and my coffee, surfed the net briefly, then laid out our meals for the week and a grocery list that took into account my very slim budget. Oh wine, I am going to miss you. I made a daily list of what activities were available for us to do together for fun, a list of things that I needed to do this week, and incorporated my daughter H's work schedule because I am still a chauffeur for her, and as a single parent, I am the only one around to shoulder that responsibility too. I stretched out some muscles that have been complaining loudly to me (at my age, lots of my muscles are complaining but these particular ones have been particularly hateful towards me of late) and when G got up, I felt mostly sane. I let him play on his Kindle while I got his breakfast and then got my own shower and self care out of the way. When I told him to turn off his Kindle at 10, and that it was going to be a new rule, he didn't even argue. Hmm. Well. That was easy? Yes, yes, laughing universe, I know.
Its been too hot to play outside since last week really but we did get out for a little bit today out of necessity (for the love of everything go outside and run a little kid, ok?) and that was about as exciting as it got unless you count the trip to the grocery store. Which really, it is pretty exciting to see how far money can actually stretch! Anyway, in the coming days, I'm aiming to see if I can pull together some sort of routine and some regular educational activities we can do either daily or weekly. I'm sure it will be easier when it's cooler outside (and inside!) so I have plenty of time for planning. He's already reading a little so it's not the academics I'm worried about, just the stimulation in general. If he's bored, he's in trouble!
I am still doing last minute tasks related to getting H set up for school. She had been living with her dad for a while and during her senior year of high school a lot of details fell thru the cracks so there is some last minute scrambling to get her registered for her classes at the local community college and sort out her schedule at work too. H requires a lot of direction and guidance so it can be a little time consuming, and it is also another example of adjusting my expectations about how something should play out. A lot of adjusting of my expectations.
I imagine, in my wild dreams, all of this would be easier if this were a two parent household. (what is with all the laughing in the universe today?) Or if there was more income. Or perhaps ANY kind of income, ha ha. Or maybe if we weren't all three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment. Then everything would just...flow. Right? It's moments like this that I sometimes feel the pull of getting back together with G's dad just for the logistics of income, space, and having another adult available to share some of the burdens...but actually I did that once before and though those things did play out in some ways, it also played out in ways that still stick with me and bruise up my heart too much. So. We have what we have, we live where we live, and at the end of the day, everyone is tucked in safely to our nest and all seems right with the world. You can't really buy that feeling.
I have some income prospects on the horizon, I have a meal plan and a budget, I have some amazing friends near by and a crazy supportive online community that feels as real as my 17 year long friendship with my Karen who lives 2 miles away...and I am trusting the universe to help me out, even as it laughs at me. A sense of humor is important after all! It already is proving itself in caring for us - I mean, the lizard is still alive, so there's that!
Onward to day 7 and a wild plan for the library and Lego Club!
August 12, 2016
Day Five
It's almost 9pm and G is asleep. His daddy carried him into the house and I pulled off his flip-flops before he was nestled down into his bed. Now the TV is on low and I sit and contemplate all that this day has been, and all that it hasn't, and all that it could have been.
If I were working, as I was just a week ago, I would have been stressed trying to clear out my "task bucket" before the weekend, put out any fires that erupted as the day went on (and many, many fires always erupt on a Friday in a medical clinic!). I would have been frantically trying to type letters and do a mail merge and get them all in the outgoing box before 2pm, I would have been scheduling last minute emergency outpatient testing (mammograms, ultrasounds, CT scans...) and getting insurance authorizations for such procedures before companies close down. I would have been stressed about leaving on time so I could get to daycare on time - I would have been thinking about traffic and the time difference between myself and my oldest in a time zone 3 hours away and thinking about my brother in a time zone 6 hours away. I would have been thinking about how freaking hot it was and what my apartment would feel like when I finally got home and how much I would NOT feel like cooking when it was 87 and humid INSIDE...I would have been thinking about all the things I needed to do over the weekend like ironing, grocery shopping, bill paying, all mixed up with whether I was going to get an "incident report" from daycare and if my sweet gentle boy was going to watch me receive the news of all his "bad behaviors"...
But I didn't work today. Or at all this week even. So today felt less like a Friday, and more like a...um...I don't know, a Wednesday? I didn't even realize it was FRIDAY. In fact, I had an appointment at 10:30 that I kind of mistakenly showed up for at 10. At least I wasn't late? Today was like any other day: we got up, we ate food, we played... and then I thought I was late and I scrambled like hell to get somewhere early. Yeah... that's about right! How did I ever do this before for 12 years?
We did another "play date/interview" today and I had the foresight to leave G at home with H for the first part so I could really focus on the mom and the kids and really connect with them. That was, in hindsight, a really good choice. Last time it hadn't gone so well when I had G with me. This time was actually delightful and I had to really remind myself that kids are always nicer for strangers. Then I brought those delightful children back to my place to play with G and reality set in. G hasn't had a lot of experience with having friends over to play. So he was REALLY excited...and really hyped up, and he was tired and hot and hungry. Which, as any parent knows, is pretty much a recipe for "shit show". We planned on using the sprinkler so they were all in their suits and sun-screened up and ready to go, we had the spiderman sprinkler set up and spinning, and then the whining commenced. "NO! Thats NOT how to do it! No! Don't hold it down like that! NOOOO don't spray me! NOOOOO don't do THAT!" Ugh. It was MY kid mostly, although I did hear the big sister of the other two reprimand her little brother once or twice. I felt like a referee in a sport I didn't understand. As if someone had pulled me aside and said, "ok, so there are three kids of various ages and sizes and you get to determine who is right and who is wrong in ALL of EVERYTHING ok? so, GO!" I performed about as well as the contestants in that event. Taking them home felt a little like relief...
Then we went to G's dad house - a house we used to live in; a house with multiple a/c units, multiple rooms, a place with room to prep and cook...and I made dinner for 3 while G played and I got bogged down in memories...but thats beside the point. Several times during the day, G had whined about being bored, about not having any fun, about not EVER getting to do ANYTHING: after I let him choose when to take off his pullup, when to get dressed and what to wear, what to play with his friends, which side of the car to put his car seat on, and what food to bring over to his dad's. I was a little exasperated! I might have been a little "snappish". But only maybe. Once we were there, he was such a quiet happy little introvert; just like his momma. I cooked, he played, and when his daddy arrived, we ate together quietly and peacefully. And then I left and he stayed behind to play with his daddy.
So ends day Five. A glass of wine, a sleeping child, a bowl full of chex mix... and an episode of Criminal Minds - all is well in the world! Until tomorrow...because Saturday as a SAHM is pretty much just like a...Wednesday....
If I were working, as I was just a week ago, I would have been stressed trying to clear out my "task bucket" before the weekend, put out any fires that erupted as the day went on (and many, many fires always erupt on a Friday in a medical clinic!). I would have been frantically trying to type letters and do a mail merge and get them all in the outgoing box before 2pm, I would have been scheduling last minute emergency outpatient testing (mammograms, ultrasounds, CT scans...) and getting insurance authorizations for such procedures before companies close down. I would have been stressed about leaving on time so I could get to daycare on time - I would have been thinking about traffic and the time difference between myself and my oldest in a time zone 3 hours away and thinking about my brother in a time zone 6 hours away. I would have been thinking about how freaking hot it was and what my apartment would feel like when I finally got home and how much I would NOT feel like cooking when it was 87 and humid INSIDE...I would have been thinking about all the things I needed to do over the weekend like ironing, grocery shopping, bill paying, all mixed up with whether I was going to get an "incident report" from daycare and if my sweet gentle boy was going to watch me receive the news of all his "bad behaviors"...
But I didn't work today. Or at all this week even. So today felt less like a Friday, and more like a...um...I don't know, a Wednesday? I didn't even realize it was FRIDAY. In fact, I had an appointment at 10:30 that I kind of mistakenly showed up for at 10. At least I wasn't late? Today was like any other day: we got up, we ate food, we played... and then I thought I was late and I scrambled like hell to get somewhere early. Yeah... that's about right! How did I ever do this before for 12 years?
We did another "play date/interview" today and I had the foresight to leave G at home with H for the first part so I could really focus on the mom and the kids and really connect with them. That was, in hindsight, a really good choice. Last time it hadn't gone so well when I had G with me. This time was actually delightful and I had to really remind myself that kids are always nicer for strangers. Then I brought those delightful children back to my place to play with G and reality set in. G hasn't had a lot of experience with having friends over to play. So he was REALLY excited...and really hyped up, and he was tired and hot and hungry. Which, as any parent knows, is pretty much a recipe for "shit show". We planned on using the sprinkler so they were all in their suits and sun-screened up and ready to go, we had the spiderman sprinkler set up and spinning, and then the whining commenced. "NO! Thats NOT how to do it! No! Don't hold it down like that! NOOOO don't spray me! NOOOOO don't do THAT!" Ugh. It was MY kid mostly, although I did hear the big sister of the other two reprimand her little brother once or twice. I felt like a referee in a sport I didn't understand. As if someone had pulled me aside and said, "ok, so there are three kids of various ages and sizes and you get to determine who is right and who is wrong in ALL of EVERYTHING ok? so, GO!" I performed about as well as the contestants in that event. Taking them home felt a little like relief...
Then we went to G's dad house - a house we used to live in; a house with multiple a/c units, multiple rooms, a place with room to prep and cook...and I made dinner for 3 while G played and I got bogged down in memories...but thats beside the point. Several times during the day, G had whined about being bored, about not having any fun, about not EVER getting to do ANYTHING: after I let him choose when to take off his pullup, when to get dressed and what to wear, what to play with his friends, which side of the car to put his car seat on, and what food to bring over to his dad's. I was a little exasperated! I might have been a little "snappish". But only maybe. Once we were there, he was such a quiet happy little introvert; just like his momma. I cooked, he played, and when his daddy arrived, we ate together quietly and peacefully. And then I left and he stayed behind to play with his daddy.
So ends day Five. A glass of wine, a sleeping child, a bowl full of chex mix... and an episode of Criminal Minds - all is well in the world! Until tomorrow...because Saturday as a SAHM is pretty much just like a...Wednesday....
August 11, 2016
Day Four(ish) - and the story of why...
Tuesday was day two. At some point it ended, as all days eventually do. We didn't get to accomplish any of the important things on our list, but we acquired a lizard. Accidentally. Sort of. Its a long story involving Amazon Prime, UPS, an electronic delivery for H and a rush to leave the house for a last minute call to work, and G screaming, "A Lizard! A Lizard!" It culminated in a trip to Petco. Because...well...because G named it Liz and then what else could I do but buy it a cage and some crickets? And then we went to bed. When we woke up, it was Wednesday, Liz was still alive and in captivity, and everything seemed right with the world. And that is how it goes I think, this thing called "life".
Wednesday was day three. Day three was a day it was too wet to play, so we stayed in the house all the humid, hot, day (thank you Dr. Suess) No, not really, not ALL day...but kind of. It rained hard, which we desperately needed, and so we played with playdough and made messes, and played in the big boxes that Amazon and UPS had delivered the previous day (no more lizards thank goodness!) and then finally we clambered into the car so H could practice driving.
Practice is a funny word to use for driving. I mean, its not like you can make a mistake, like, say, get in a wreck, and then just "undo" it and start over. No, no, driving doesn't work that way. Just saying. But we did it. I mean, we practiced, not got in a wreck...so we practiced not getting in a wreck? H drove and I breathed and it was fine. We shopped at a far away Trader Joes (because momma needed a little "Two Buck Chuck" after that drive) and then dropped G off to visit with his daddy, and then H drove home again, in a torrential downpour complete with blinding sun glare and rush hour traffic. We were very glad to get home. Both of us equally. When G came back later on, we were both deep in our own electronic devices just decompressing from the "practice". And then we went to bed. When we woke up it was Thursday, Liz was still alive and captive, and everything seemed right with the world. I'm sensing a pattern here.
Today is Thursday. It is (was?) DAY FOUR. My fourth day of being a stay at home mom. I've been here before, but just not with THIS kid. It's not unfamiliar to me, but it's entirely different all at the same time. This is the story of why...
I have 3 other kids, the youngest of whom is 18 and I was at home with her all her entire elementary school years before I started working, at home with her and her two older siblings. I was home, married, driving a minivan and going to play dates and PTA meetings, and running kids to soccer and karate and tee-ball. Until. Until I wasn't.
When G came along, I was a single mom, working hard at two jobs for minimum wage. I utilized a food bank. I had food stamps and WIC. I got assistance for heat and utilities. He was 16 months old when I finally got a good, stable, well paying job. I was so grateful for that job! I was proud of my work, of my employer, of how well I was doing, proud of paying my own way and not using assistance of any kind. When G was just turning 3 I moved him from the small home daycare he was at because I thought he was bored... I found a great preschool with a science and nature based curriculum with outdoor trails and a really good balance of social skills and academics. The director had been running it for so long, that I actually knew her from when my older kids had gone to some summer camp programs she ran. How much safer could it get? Apparently a lot. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but as best I can tell, that person had a problem with G and began to take out her frustrations with him physically. I know she used her fingers to "thump" or "flick" him on the head, I know she grabbed his arm and forced him into a chair, to bully him into her office, to pull him... I know she shook him, by his shoulders. I know she bent down and got right in his face and made a "mad face"...and I know she used her hand to grab my baby's cheeks in between her thumb and other fingers and "pinch" or "squeeze". G used the word "punch" but he demonstrated a "pinch"... I hope it was only a pinch.
For seven months my boy was there - seven months before I understood what was happening, seven months of being mistreated by an adult, of being told by ME to "try harder buddy" and "you have to listen to your teacher" and "you just have to behave". Seven months before I actually HEARD my boy and understood what he was trying to tell me. I will never stop hurting for those months.
I pulled G out of that center in one swift moment - it was a dark winter night after picking him up as usual, but when he relayed some instance from the day it was like a light bulb switching on for me. One moment from the back seat, safely snug in his $300 European carseat (because no expense was too great when it came to keeping him safe - oh the irony...) and he was done there. I left a message on their answering machine, cancelled the check I'd just written for the 'two weeks in advance, payable the Monday prior to the two weeks time frame', called the licensing board, and never looked back.
It was a rocky 3 weeks before I found him a new place. My boss was accommodating and patient, but I could see her generosity running out by the last week. The new place was fresh, and bright, with open rooms and a director/teacher who had also had her own child mistreated somewhere...surely she would 'get it'. And I think she did, to the extent she could. But my G? He was a little too bruised in the spirit. A little broken in the feelings of "trust" and "safety". And he wasn't gonna take shit from no one!
It took another 7 months of hard times, of behaviors and infractions and modifications, of being sent home...before I could choose to listen to the fact that he needed ME. He needed me to be with him all the time, to be the one to set the limits and enforce them. He needed me to show him, tangibly, that he was safe. That he was a good boy, a loved boy, and that he could make friends and have friends and that he could trust his momma to BE there to keep him safe, even when he didn't behave appropriately. Because when you are 4? Sometimes you don't behave appropriately. Sometimes even when you are an adult you don't behave appropriately...but I need to be the one to be there when that happens, because even if I get frustrated, even if I yell, I will always keep him safe. I will not hurt his body, his trust, his faith. So I quit my job and am staying home to take care of my son. He is hurt in the deepest place inside and there is nothing that can heal it save love...and patience...and the every day efforts of rebuilding trust and a deep faith in safety. That's what I'm here for.
So on today, day four, we hung out in our pj's. We had pancakes for breakfast because G asked for them. We ate cheese-sticks and crackers with pink lady apples for lunch and G tried snow peas and decided they were pretty good. Almost as good as carrots, maybe. We sat outside, zipped up inside our mosquito netted canopy in the sweltering humid New England evening, safe from mosquito's, and played Old Maid by the light of citronella candles and our own love. We ate peanut butter sandwiches and read The Cat In The Hat. He was on his Kindle too much, but thats ok. There is a balance to everything and today was a day for electronics and carbohydrates and simple entertainment. Tomorrow is another chance to do bigger things. Today? Today was just perfect.
Wednesday was day three. Day three was a day it was too wet to play, so we stayed in the house all the humid, hot, day (thank you Dr. Suess) No, not really, not ALL day...but kind of. It rained hard, which we desperately needed, and so we played with playdough and made messes, and played in the big boxes that Amazon and UPS had delivered the previous day (no more lizards thank goodness!) and then finally we clambered into the car so H could practice driving.
Practice is a funny word to use for driving. I mean, its not like you can make a mistake, like, say, get in a wreck, and then just "undo" it and start over. No, no, driving doesn't work that way. Just saying. But we did it. I mean, we practiced, not got in a wreck...so we practiced not getting in a wreck? H drove and I breathed and it was fine. We shopped at a far away Trader Joes (because momma needed a little "Two Buck Chuck" after that drive) and then dropped G off to visit with his daddy, and then H drove home again, in a torrential downpour complete with blinding sun glare and rush hour traffic. We were very glad to get home. Both of us equally. When G came back later on, we were both deep in our own electronic devices just decompressing from the "practice". And then we went to bed. When we woke up it was Thursday, Liz was still alive and captive, and everything seemed right with the world. I'm sensing a pattern here.
Today is Thursday. It is (was?) DAY FOUR. My fourth day of being a stay at home mom. I've been here before, but just not with THIS kid. It's not unfamiliar to me, but it's entirely different all at the same time. This is the story of why...
I have 3 other kids, the youngest of whom is 18 and I was at home with her all her entire elementary school years before I started working, at home with her and her two older siblings. I was home, married, driving a minivan and going to play dates and PTA meetings, and running kids to soccer and karate and tee-ball. Until. Until I wasn't.
When G came along, I was a single mom, working hard at two jobs for minimum wage. I utilized a food bank. I had food stamps and WIC. I got assistance for heat and utilities. He was 16 months old when I finally got a good, stable, well paying job. I was so grateful for that job! I was proud of my work, of my employer, of how well I was doing, proud of paying my own way and not using assistance of any kind. When G was just turning 3 I moved him from the small home daycare he was at because I thought he was bored... I found a great preschool with a science and nature based curriculum with outdoor trails and a really good balance of social skills and academics. The director had been running it for so long, that I actually knew her from when my older kids had gone to some summer camp programs she ran. How much safer could it get? Apparently a lot. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but as best I can tell, that person had a problem with G and began to take out her frustrations with him physically. I know she used her fingers to "thump" or "flick" him on the head, I know she grabbed his arm and forced him into a chair, to bully him into her office, to pull him... I know she shook him, by his shoulders. I know she bent down and got right in his face and made a "mad face"...and I know she used her hand to grab my baby's cheeks in between her thumb and other fingers and "pinch" or "squeeze". G used the word "punch" but he demonstrated a "pinch"... I hope it was only a pinch.
For seven months my boy was there - seven months before I understood what was happening, seven months of being mistreated by an adult, of being told by ME to "try harder buddy" and "you have to listen to your teacher" and "you just have to behave". Seven months before I actually HEARD my boy and understood what he was trying to tell me. I will never stop hurting for those months.
I pulled G out of that center in one swift moment - it was a dark winter night after picking him up as usual, but when he relayed some instance from the day it was like a light bulb switching on for me. One moment from the back seat, safely snug in his $300 European carseat (because no expense was too great when it came to keeping him safe - oh the irony...) and he was done there. I left a message on their answering machine, cancelled the check I'd just written for the 'two weeks in advance, payable the Monday prior to the two weeks time frame', called the licensing board, and never looked back.
It was a rocky 3 weeks before I found him a new place. My boss was accommodating and patient, but I could see her generosity running out by the last week. The new place was fresh, and bright, with open rooms and a director/teacher who had also had her own child mistreated somewhere...surely she would 'get it'. And I think she did, to the extent she could. But my G? He was a little too bruised in the spirit. A little broken in the feelings of "trust" and "safety". And he wasn't gonna take shit from no one!
It took another 7 months of hard times, of behaviors and infractions and modifications, of being sent home...before I could choose to listen to the fact that he needed ME. He needed me to be with him all the time, to be the one to set the limits and enforce them. He needed me to show him, tangibly, that he was safe. That he was a good boy, a loved boy, and that he could make friends and have friends and that he could trust his momma to BE there to keep him safe, even when he didn't behave appropriately. Because when you are 4? Sometimes you don't behave appropriately. Sometimes even when you are an adult you don't behave appropriately...but I need to be the one to be there when that happens, because even if I get frustrated, even if I yell, I will always keep him safe. I will not hurt his body, his trust, his faith. So I quit my job and am staying home to take care of my son. He is hurt in the deepest place inside and there is nothing that can heal it save love...and patience...and the every day efforts of rebuilding trust and a deep faith in safety. That's what I'm here for.
So on today, day four, we hung out in our pj's. We had pancakes for breakfast because G asked for them. We ate cheese-sticks and crackers with pink lady apples for lunch and G tried snow peas and decided they were pretty good. Almost as good as carrots, maybe. We sat outside, zipped up inside our mosquito netted canopy in the sweltering humid New England evening, safe from mosquito's, and played Old Maid by the light of citronella candles and our own love. We ate peanut butter sandwiches and read The Cat In The Hat. He was on his Kindle too much, but thats ok. There is a balance to everything and today was a day for electronics and carbohydrates and simple entertainment. Tomorrow is another chance to do bigger things. Today? Today was just perfect.
August 9, 2016
Day Two
Yesterday was the first full day I was a stay-at-home-mom (sahm). I guess in the overall scheme of things, it went exactly as planned. That is, to say, that it didn't, at all.
We ended up driving my ex's daughter, J2, from his house where she'd stayed the night, to her home an hour away with both G and H included in the ride. *two teenage girls, loud music, singing along and being recorded, and much much much laughter* Once we reached our destination, we made a brief detour to a candy store because, well, candy. Finally we drove home with the hope to make it in time to get H home to change for work, get her TO work, and then for G and I to make it to a semi-playdate/semi-interview. We made it all on time but with less grace and finesse than I'd hoped for.
The playdate/interview was for a short term nanny position that will take care of next months rent. So it is pretty critical for us. It didn't go well mostly because G was about as prickly and thorny and ill mannered as a tired, hot, bored four year old can be so I was mutually irritated and embarrassed which made me awkward and inept. But it was the third time we've all met together so maybe it wasn't so bad that the other mom got to see us in less than prime behavior. Now she knows!
Griff fell asleep in the car around 5pm, unexpectedly as he'd already napped once on our way back from dropping J2 at her house, and slept thru the transfer from car seat to the house to the couch, slept thru falling off the couch about an hour after that, and continued to sleep until just after 7pm. Hm. Maybe that was why he acted like a feral jungle child at our playdate? I knew this 'nap' was going to ruin the evening and mean he'd probably be awake until 11pm, but then again, I didn't have to get up early for work and he didn't have to get up early for daycare so a late night and sleeping in the next day is no longer an issue, can I get an Amen?
He went to bed a little after 10pm and fell asleep right away and was up around 7:30 this morning which felt reasonable and not at all as bad as I'd imagined. But, all of that was yesterday. Today is a new day!
We made a King Arthur Flour recipe for Baking Soda Biscuits this morning. There was flour everywhere. I am really not exaggerating in the slightest. Flour. Everywhere.
Flour, a bowl, a spatula, and a four year old is really not an efficient combination. However, I didn't feel irritated like I might have in the past, nor did I take over and do it all myself while muttering under my breath. I didn't sigh with exasperation and G didn't cry or feel disappointed all because I was in a hurry. This time I didn't have to worry about getting it cleaned up before work or before I went to bed late at night, didn't have to worry about it getting on my clothes, so it was just...part of the total experience. The smile stretching his mouth and making his eyes crinkle though, and the light in his eyes while he smooshed butter into the flour with his little fingers made all the emotions well up inside my heart like filling a glass full of ice cold water on a hot dry day. His running commentary (4's talk a LOT!) was so awesome - sometimes humorous, sometimes enlightened, sometimes off the wall and sometimes he was just talking to the spatula. He may not remember this moment in another week, even I may not remember this exact moment or the feelings of love that bubbled up and threatened to spill out of my eyes, but I know it went one step further towards healing his spirit.
Today promises to be full of the unplanned. Oh, I have a list alright. Yard work, a haircut for G, and some long distance drive practice for H...and I might clean up some of that flour thats on my floor, and on the table, and dusted on the wall...or not.
On a practical note, I'm watching my budget but I'm not being as careful with it as I should be. I want to have some fun with G - I don't want my staying home with him to be a punishment for either of us when the goal is to heal his spirit. So I'm stepping out entirely in faith that God will be watching over us and getting us thru this time financially as well as emotionally. I have my savings and I know we are ok thru October and I know I can plan ahead a little but I am not going to be frantic about it. I trust God. I trust the universe. I trust in goodness. I trust that taking care of my child who is hurting is the very thing I am supposed to be doing. Please, if I forget that? Remind me.
We ended up driving my ex's daughter, J2, from his house where she'd stayed the night, to her home an hour away with both G and H included in the ride. *two teenage girls, loud music, singing along and being recorded, and much much much laughter* Once we reached our destination, we made a brief detour to a candy store because, well, candy. Finally we drove home with the hope to make it in time to get H home to change for work, get her TO work, and then for G and I to make it to a semi-playdate/semi-interview. We made it all on time but with less grace and finesse than I'd hoped for.
The playdate/interview was for a short term nanny position that will take care of next months rent. So it is pretty critical for us. It didn't go well mostly because G was about as prickly and thorny and ill mannered as a tired, hot, bored four year old can be so I was mutually irritated and embarrassed which made me awkward and inept. But it was the third time we've all met together so maybe it wasn't so bad that the other mom got to see us in less than prime behavior. Now she knows!
Griff fell asleep in the car around 5pm, unexpectedly as he'd already napped once on our way back from dropping J2 at her house, and slept thru the transfer from car seat to the house to the couch, slept thru falling off the couch about an hour after that, and continued to sleep until just after 7pm. Hm. Maybe that was why he acted like a feral jungle child at our playdate? I knew this 'nap' was going to ruin the evening and mean he'd probably be awake until 11pm, but then again, I didn't have to get up early for work and he didn't have to get up early for daycare so a late night and sleeping in the next day is no longer an issue, can I get an Amen?
He went to bed a little after 10pm and fell asleep right away and was up around 7:30 this morning which felt reasonable and not at all as bad as I'd imagined. But, all of that was yesterday. Today is a new day!
We made a King Arthur Flour recipe for Baking Soda Biscuits this morning. There was flour everywhere. I am really not exaggerating in the slightest. Flour. Everywhere.
Flour, a bowl, a spatula, and a four year old is really not an efficient combination. However, I didn't feel irritated like I might have in the past, nor did I take over and do it all myself while muttering under my breath. I didn't sigh with exasperation and G didn't cry or feel disappointed all because I was in a hurry. This time I didn't have to worry about getting it cleaned up before work or before I went to bed late at night, didn't have to worry about it getting on my clothes, so it was just...part of the total experience. The smile stretching his mouth and making his eyes crinkle though, and the light in his eyes while he smooshed butter into the flour with his little fingers made all the emotions well up inside my heart like filling a glass full of ice cold water on a hot dry day. His running commentary (4's talk a LOT!) was so awesome - sometimes humorous, sometimes enlightened, sometimes off the wall and sometimes he was just talking to the spatula. He may not remember this moment in another week, even I may not remember this exact moment or the feelings of love that bubbled up and threatened to spill out of my eyes, but I know it went one step further towards healing his spirit.
Today promises to be full of the unplanned. Oh, I have a list alright. Yard work, a haircut for G, and some long distance drive practice for H...and I might clean up some of that flour thats on my floor, and on the table, and dusted on the wall...or not.
On a practical note, I'm watching my budget but I'm not being as careful with it as I should be. I want to have some fun with G - I don't want my staying home with him to be a punishment for either of us when the goal is to heal his spirit. So I'm stepping out entirely in faith that God will be watching over us and getting us thru this time financially as well as emotionally. I have my savings and I know we are ok thru October and I know I can plan ahead a little but I am not going to be frantic about it. I trust God. I trust the universe. I trust in goodness. I trust that taking care of my child who is hurting is the very thing I am supposed to be doing. Please, if I forget that? Remind me.
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