December 28; Five Months In

My desire to "save" my son from the damages done by one of his caregivers was the driving force in my decision to quit my full time benefited job and stay home with him.  It was the only choice I could see given his behaviors and how little time remained before he started Kindergarden.

It has been 5 months of challenges for both of us, and for other family members as well.  There has been so much learning and growth happening within our hearts and souls that the two of us are surely different now than we were before.  I suppose you could say that of any person after 5 months, whether they made a major life change or not - life has a way of growing and changing people regardless of their choices! - but the ways in which both G and I have had to adapt and adjust have been infinitely full of growth.

November brought a new part time position for me that took me out of the house more than I wanted during the time I was orienting/training.  The necessity of income chased me through the days and evenings I was gone.  Then suddenly there was Thanksgiving. I tried to slow our race through December but then we traveled 3000 miles to a family reunion which was an amazing time, and of course there was Christmas and Santa and now?  Now is the time to regroup, re assess, and plan for more changes.

G has responded so well to being home with me now.  He still is pretty resistant to any other person trying to correct his behaviors, to put it in a respectful tone.  In other words, he digs in his heels and lashes out at most any other person, still trying to be the boss of every situation and always on guard against being hurt by an adult.  I wonder if that is something I can ever help him navigate with more grace.  He likes to be boss with me too, but has become more willing to be my friendly, cooperative helper on a regular basis.  His trust in me is growing bigger and deeper all the time.  He was a wonderful travel companion on our flights to California; funny and cheerful and curious, as well as respectful and charming to other passengers.  Maybe that is just the nature of a 4 year old...

He has had some issues with breathing/asthma as the fall progressed, as is typical of him and I imagine we will have to deal with this long term.  That will be the least of our worries!

I know at times G feels the need to play with other children, but overall it is still a difficult time for him when he does.  His bossiness and easily overstimulated temperament can make a situation very UNfun for all of us.  I'm still trying to sort out the way to meet his needs in this as well as create successful interactions for him.

Right now we are saying goodbye to the holidays and heading in to the endless dreariness of a cold New England winter so I plan on making "successful kid-interactions" a work in progress.  There are a lot of indoor play places we can go to for "practice".

One thing I've discovered that took me by surprise, is that in "saving Griffin", I have unexpectedly saved myself.  My own heart has been healed by being home with him, and with the opportunity to spend more time with my 19 yr old daughter, and has shown me that in this change, all of our family has had the opportunity for growth and learning.  The universe continues to fill our lives with instances of hope, kindness, generosity, and love.  I am grateful, more and more, for this life.

Day Five

It's almost 9pm and G is asleep.  His daddy carried him into the house and I pulled off his flip-flops before he was nestled down into his bed.  Now the TV is on low and I sit and contemplate all that this day has been, and all that it hasn't, and all that it could have been.

If I were working, as I was just a week ago, I would have been stressed trying to clear out my "task bucket" before the weekend, put out any fires that erupted as the day went on (and many, many fires always erupt on a Friday in a medical clinic!).  I would have been frantically trying to type letters and do a mail merge and get them all in the outgoing box before 2pm, I would have been scheduling last minute emergency outpatient testing (mammograms, ultrasounds, CT scans...) and getting insurance authorizations for such procedures before companies close down. I would have been stressed about leaving on time so I could get to daycare on time - I would have been thinking about traffic and the time difference between myself and my oldest in a time zone 3 hours away and thinking about my brother in a time zone 6 hours away.  I would have been thinking about how freaking hot it was and what my apartment would feel like when I finally got home and how much I would NOT feel like cooking when it was 87 and humid INSIDE...I would have been thinking about all the things I needed to do over the weekend like ironing, grocery shopping, bill paying, all mixed up with whether I was going to get an "incident report" from daycare and if my sweet gentle boy was going to watch me receive the news of all his "bad behaviors"...

But I didn't work today.  Or at all this week even.  So today felt less like a Friday, and more like a...um...I don't know, a Wednesday?  I didn't even realize it was FRIDAY.  In fact, I had an appointment at 10:30 that I kind of mistakenly showed up for at 10.  At least I wasn't late?  Today was like any other day: we got up, we ate food, we played... and then I thought I was late and I scrambled like hell to get somewhere early.  Yeah... that's about right!  How did I ever do this before for 12 years?

We did another "play date/interview" today and I had the foresight to leave G at home with H for the first part so I could really focus on the mom and the kids and really connect with them.  That was, in hindsight, a really good choice.  Last time it hadn't gone so well when I had G with me.  This time was actually delightful and I had to really remind myself that kids are always nicer for strangers.  Then I brought those delightful children back to my place to play with G and reality set in.  G hasn't had a lot of experience with having friends over to play.  So he was REALLY excited...and really hyped up, and he was tired and hot and hungry.  Which, as any parent knows, is pretty much a recipe for "shit show". We planned on using the sprinkler so they were all in their suits and sun-screened up and ready to go, we had the spiderman sprinkler set up and spinning, and then the whining commenced.  "NO! Thats NOT how to do it! No! Don't hold it down like that! NOOOO don't spray me! NOOOOO don't do THAT!"  Ugh.  It was MY kid mostly, although I did hear the big sister of the other two reprimand her little brother once or twice.  I felt like a referee in a sport I didn't understand.  As if someone had pulled me aside and said, "ok, so there are three kids of various ages and sizes and you get to determine who is right and who is wrong in ALL of EVERYTHING ok? so, GO!"  I performed about as well as the contestants in that event.  Taking them home felt a little like relief...

Then we went to G's dad house - a house we used to live in; a house with multiple a/c units, multiple rooms, a place with room to prep and cook...and I made dinner for 3 while G played and I got bogged down in memories...but thats beside the point.  Several times during the day, G had whined about being bored, about not having any fun, about not EVER getting to do ANYTHING: after I let him choose when to take off his pullup, when to get dressed and what to wear, what to play with his friends, which side of the car to put his car seat on, and what food to bring over to his dad's.  I was a little exasperated! I might have been a little "snappish".  But only maybe.  Once we were there, he was such a quiet happy little introvert; just like his momma.  I cooked, he played, and when his daddy arrived, we ate together quietly and peacefully.  And then I left and he stayed behind to play with his daddy.

So ends day Five.  A glass of wine, a sleeping child, a bowl full of chex mix... and an episode of Criminal Minds - all is well in the world!  Until tomorrow...because Saturday as a SAHM is pretty much just like a...Wednesday....