Thursday 9/1; Day 19

Wednesday was a long and exhausting day of internal battle.

I fought with myself over certain lifestyle choices I've made and the choices I could have made instead.

I fought with demons that I can't seem to shake, who torment me with guilt and doubt and regret.

I fought with my intuition, my obligation, my nature and my nurture...and I fought with my very soul. I also fought with a very small, very fierce, 4 year old.  At the end of it all, there was not a winner, but because the universe is inherently good, there was not a definite loser either.  At the end of it all, every child I was in charge of was asleep in his/her own bed, every adult that mattered was also asleep in his/her own bed (or at least asleep in A bed!), and I managed to get almost 3 full hours of sleep before Thursday arrived.

Thursday dawned grey, damp, and with rain clouds looming.  But the bright, easy, and genuine grin beaming from G's face was all the sun I needed.  After days of tension and struggle, this day was all ours and ours alone.  I smiled as much as he did and we spent a sweet quiet morning snuggling on the couch and reconnecting.  A slow paced trip to the grocery store and the acquisition of a new toy plus the impromptu purchase of usually forbidden hot-dogs made it a total win for G.  He slipped easily into a nap and then when he woke up, he played quietly on his own under the watchful eyes of his big sister while I went to an interview.  Later, he ate like I've never seen - a snack, a full dinner including never before eaten Salmon, and then dessert, and then another two snacks afterward.  We chatted about the next day's activities and the little one we would be nannying together, how we were going to take care of him just for one day, and that he was a little guy who needed a big boy to help take care of him.  A friend of mine had suggested that maybe I take the time to give G a very clear timeline of any nanny gigs to help him process it, to help him understand that it would be a finite experience, that it would have a beginning and an end.  I hope it helps my boy, because what we both went thru the past few days was really hard, and I want to heal my son, not cause him more hurt.

And with that in mind, I am joyfully celebrating a couple of victories tonight.  Grateful for the income that nanny-ing has given us in this fragile time, but knowing it is not ideal for us, for G, I was so grateful to accept the offer of the per-diem night shift position I had applied to before leaving my job.  They called me today as I was on my way home from a different interview for some overnight postpartum doula work I agreed to.  The universe is so openly protecting and providing for me right now that I can hardly bear to acknowledge it for fear of it slipping away like some big teaser.  I try to remind myself that I am the daughter of God, I am a child of the Universe.  I AM value and worth, and my son is deserving of ME - and therefore I am deserving of what God and the universe provide so that I can provide, for him.  And that is the end of Day 19.

Monday August 22; Day 11

Day 11 of my new journey as a SAHM.  The start of our 3rd week together.  Two weeks down, and one more started.  Time is such an odd, fluid, constantly flowing entity.  I can't quite catch up to it, can't quite grasp it and hold on to it, can't even keep up with it.  It just keeps going and I'm there in the murky, unsettled ripples of where it's already been and what it's left behind... and the whole time I am chasing after an endlessly energetic boy who is being chased by time, not being carried on the current of it.

The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I.  I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old.  I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G.  He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly.  I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.

I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5.  the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother.  We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day.  We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything.  So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.

There was whining.  There was complaining,  There was fighting/bickering.  I suppose all that is normal though.  At the beach there was simply more of the same.  It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome!  We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys.  Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.

There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better.  Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G.  He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.

Wednesday August 17: Day 8

I have a "one time" nanny position for another single mom who is traveling on business and isn't comfortable leaving her kids with the regular college student nanny she employs.  It's two separate time periods this month and we've done our "playdate/interviews" and chatted a lot but last night she let me know her regular nanny was very sick and asked if I could cover some time this week before our already scheduled trip-time.  I am not about to turn down money, obviously, so I said yes.  Today G and I picked up our new short friends and we went to see a summer-only $1 movie special at 10am. What fun!  We saw a great movie, had an enjoyable experience and then got to hang out and have free-play time together.  It was very successful and bodes well for tomorrow, Friday, and for our first big "trip-time" which starts on Sunday.

If you get the chance to see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2? Do it! What a cute movie!  Please - I'm not a movie critic, I'm not into filmography or plot lines or "between the lines" meanings... I'm all about visual entertainment and soundtrack, and subtle adult humor, and plain old fun; and this movie gave it all.

This morning was busy with income producing activity, and then this afternoon was the opposite.  I pleaded with my oldest son to babysit so that I could go with H to a college orientation.  Scurrying through the afternoon to pack up a lunch and toys and squeeze in a brief nap before dropping off G to his big brothers hands meant almost no down time for me. The orientation went well - very well - at least from a parenting standpoint - and leaving G with his big brother went about as well I had expected which was not very well at all. And all of it was costly.

Overall, G staying with his big brother is fine.  N started babysitting regularly for G when he was just 16 and when G himself wasn't even a year old.  At that time, it was a really tender and safe experience for the both of them.  It's different now though.  N keeps him safe, follows most of my instructions, and at the end of it all I have two live, happy, smiling boys.  The interim is up for debate though.  N said that G punched him in the face.  Now, picture if you will a 6'2" gangly goofball, musician, poet, tender soul, rambunctious man-child being punched by a 36" scrawny 32lb 4 year old... and somewhere in your momma heart, you wonder, "why?"  Why does he feel like hitting?  What happened that led up to it? Why did he feel that punching was an appropriate or necessary action?  I asked him.  I asked him in a variety of different ways with no good response and finally I said to him, "I'm sorry if you felt scared and needed to punch N to feel safer, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you to make you feel safe" and he totally folded.  "Momma, I missed you and I needed you! Why did I not come with you? How come I couldn't stay with you? I did the last time! I wanted to be ONLY with you!"  My heart shattered into a million pieces as I looked into his big brown eyes - a mirror of my own in fact - and tried to explain. 

"I can't always be with you, buddy,  sometimes I have to leave you with your brother or sister or someone else, but I will always try to leave you with someone that loves you and keeps you safe!"  He wasn't buying it though.  "But why?  Why can't you be with me? I neeeeeeed you!"he wailed...and tears leaked down his cheeks.  Those pink baby cheeks...  How I was able to keep my own tears from falling, and my own voice from breaking, I will never know.  Because he is right.  He does need me.  And because I was wrong - I haven't always left him with someone who keeps him safe... and he knows it. I am a liar in his eyes. There is so much trust to rebuild.  And in the meantime, he has a powerful Right Hook so, watch out!  If his momma won't (or can't) keep him safe, he's gonna go down trying to keep himself safe.  

He's so fucking brave and he's my hero.