Day 11 of my new journey as a SAHM. The start of our 3rd week together. Two weeks down, and one more started. Time is such an odd, fluid, constantly flowing entity. I can't quite catch up to it, can't quite grasp it and hold on to it, can't even keep up with it. It just keeps going and I'm there in the murky, unsettled ripples of where it's already been and what it's left behind... and the whole time I am chasing after an endlessly energetic boy who is being chased by time, not being carried on the current of it.
The weekend that passed was not one of sweet peace and togetherness for my son and I. I took a one-time nanny job 24/7 for 3 days for a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old. I didn't actually think it through before hand, thinking only of the income that it would provide and that it was just taking care of children: something I previously felt pretty secure at doing. It proved, however, to be an intense time for G. He had to share me, share his house, his toys, his sister, his environment, his dishes...and it did not go smoothly. I guess, in hindsight, for a kid already unsure of whether his momma was worthy of trust, whether he could count on consistency and connection and unconditional love, that asking him to share his momma and his space was just a little too much to ask.
I spent the weekend refereeing constant bickering between G and the other little guy who was 5. the 10 yr old was a remarkable, gentle, endlessly patient referee but I didn't want her to have to be the grown up so I kept intervening, time and time again, between G and her little brother. We started off at 5 am on Sunday and by late Sunday night I was ready to have a specific plan for our next day. We decided to do a beach trip and I got the moms permission to do so before finalizing anything. So today, day 11, we planned, packed and squeezed, and made out way to the beach almost 2 hours away.
There was whining. There was complaining, There was fighting/bickering. I suppose all that is normal though. At the beach there was simply more of the same. It was too windy, too sandy, too wet, too sunny, too hot/cold/humid...but it was NOT crowded and so THAT was awesome! We staked out our place, set up our beach canopy/tent, and unloaded the beach toys. Three kids played and played and played and one momma watched and was silent and laid out the fruit and peanut butter sandwiches and poured the water and everyone was tired by the end of day.
There was chinese food after the beach - and it was a successful and fun day for all, and it made the time pass beautifully and yet at the end of the day, G and I were NOT closer to feeling happier, safer, and better. Let this be a lesson to me... and tho I've already committed to another stretch of time with these kids, I am more aware of how I need to plan it out for the best interest of G. He is my priority and while I will always be compassionate and tender to the children whose parent is away and who may have tender hearts, G is my focus and I need to remember that.
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