Wednesday August 17: Day 8

I have a "one time" nanny position for another single mom who is traveling on business and isn't comfortable leaving her kids with the regular college student nanny she employs.  It's two separate time periods this month and we've done our "playdate/interviews" and chatted a lot but last night she let me know her regular nanny was very sick and asked if I could cover some time this week before our already scheduled trip-time.  I am not about to turn down money, obviously, so I said yes.  Today G and I picked up our new short friends and we went to see a summer-only $1 movie special at 10am. What fun!  We saw a great movie, had an enjoyable experience and then got to hang out and have free-play time together.  It was very successful and bodes well for tomorrow, Friday, and for our first big "trip-time" which starts on Sunday.

If you get the chance to see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2? Do it! What a cute movie!  Please - I'm not a movie critic, I'm not into filmography or plot lines or "between the lines" meanings... I'm all about visual entertainment and soundtrack, and subtle adult humor, and plain old fun; and this movie gave it all.

This morning was busy with income producing activity, and then this afternoon was the opposite.  I pleaded with my oldest son to babysit so that I could go with H to a college orientation.  Scurrying through the afternoon to pack up a lunch and toys and squeeze in a brief nap before dropping off G to his big brothers hands meant almost no down time for me. The orientation went well - very well - at least from a parenting standpoint - and leaving G with his big brother went about as well I had expected which was not very well at all. And all of it was costly.

Overall, G staying with his big brother is fine.  N started babysitting regularly for G when he was just 16 and when G himself wasn't even a year old.  At that time, it was a really tender and safe experience for the both of them.  It's different now though.  N keeps him safe, follows most of my instructions, and at the end of it all I have two live, happy, smiling boys.  The interim is up for debate though.  N said that G punched him in the face.  Now, picture if you will a 6'2" gangly goofball, musician, poet, tender soul, rambunctious man-child being punched by a 36" scrawny 32lb 4 year old... and somewhere in your momma heart, you wonder, "why?"  Why does he feel like hitting?  What happened that led up to it? Why did he feel that punching was an appropriate or necessary action?  I asked him.  I asked him in a variety of different ways with no good response and finally I said to him, "I'm sorry if you felt scared and needed to punch N to feel safer, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you to make you feel safe" and he totally folded.  "Momma, I missed you and I needed you! Why did I not come with you? How come I couldn't stay with you? I did the last time! I wanted to be ONLY with you!"  My heart shattered into a million pieces as I looked into his big brown eyes - a mirror of my own in fact - and tried to explain. 

"I can't always be with you, buddy,  sometimes I have to leave you with your brother or sister or someone else, but I will always try to leave you with someone that loves you and keeps you safe!"  He wasn't buying it though.  "But why?  Why can't you be with me? I neeeeeeed you!"he wailed...and tears leaked down his cheeks.  Those pink baby cheeks...  How I was able to keep my own tears from falling, and my own voice from breaking, I will never know.  Because he is right.  He does need me.  And because I was wrong - I haven't always left him with someone who keeps him safe... and he knows it. I am a liar in his eyes. There is so much trust to rebuild.  And in the meantime, he has a powerful Right Hook so, watch out!  If his momma won't (or can't) keep him safe, he's gonna go down trying to keep himself safe.  

He's so fucking brave and he's my hero.