Day Two

Yesterday was the first full day I was a stay-at-home-mom (sahm).  I guess in the overall scheme of things, it went exactly as planned.  That is, to say, that it didn't, at all.

We ended up driving my ex's daughter, J2, from his house where she'd stayed the night, to her home an hour away with both G and H included in the ride.  *two teenage girls, loud music, singing along and being recorded, and much much much laughter* Once we reached our destination, we made a brief detour to a candy store because, well, candy.  Finally we drove home with the hope to make it in time to get H home to change for work, get her TO work, and then for G and I to make it to a semi-playdate/semi-interview.  We made it all on time but with less grace and finesse than I'd hoped for.

The playdate/interview was for a short term nanny position that will take care of next months rent. So it is pretty critical for us. It didn't go well mostly because G was about as prickly and thorny and ill mannered as a tired, hot, bored four year old can be so I was mutually irritated and embarrassed which made me awkward and inept.  But it was the third time we've all met together so maybe it wasn't so bad that the other mom got to see us in less than prime behavior. Now she knows!

Griff fell asleep in the car around 5pm, unexpectedly as he'd already napped once on our way back from dropping J2 at her house, and slept thru the transfer from car seat to the house to the couch, slept thru falling off the couch about an hour after that, and continued to sleep until just after 7pm.  Hm.  Maybe that was why he acted like a feral jungle child at our playdate?  I knew this 'nap' was going to ruin the evening and mean he'd probably be awake until 11pm, but then again, I didn't have to get up early for work and he didn't have to get up early for daycare so a late night and sleeping in the next day is no longer an issue, can I get an Amen?

He went to bed a little after 10pm and fell asleep right away and was up around 7:30 this morning which felt reasonable and not at all as bad as I'd imagined.  But, all of that was yesterday.  Today is a new day!

We made a King Arthur Flour recipe for Baking Soda Biscuits this morning.  There was flour everywhere.  I am really not exaggerating in the slightest.  Flour.  Everywhere.

Flour, a bowl, a spatula, and a four year old is really not an efficient combination.  However, I didn't feel irritated like I might have in the past, nor did I take over and do it all myself while muttering under my breath.  I didn't sigh with exasperation and G didn't cry or feel disappointed all because I was in a hurry.  This time I didn't have to worry about getting it cleaned up before work or before I went to bed late at night, didn't have to worry about it getting on my clothes, so it was just...part of the total experience.  The smile stretching his mouth and making his eyes crinkle though, and the light in his eyes while he smooshed butter into the flour with his little fingers made all the emotions well up inside my heart like filling a glass full of ice cold water on a hot dry day.  His running commentary (4's talk a LOT!) was so awesome - sometimes humorous, sometimes enlightened, sometimes off the wall and sometimes he was just talking to the spatula.  He may not remember this moment in another week, even I may not remember this exact moment or the feelings of love that bubbled up and threatened to spill out of my eyes, but I know it went one step further towards healing his spirit.

Today promises to be full of the unplanned.  Oh, I have a list alright.  Yard work, a haircut for G, and some long distance drive practice for H...and I might clean up some of that flour thats on my floor, and on the table, and dusted on the wall...or not.

On a practical note, I'm watching my budget but I'm not being as careful with it as I should be.  I want to have some fun with G - I don't want my staying home with him to be a punishment for either of us when the goal is to heal his spirit.  So I'm stepping out entirely in faith that God will be watching over us and getting us thru this time financially as well as emotionally.  I have my savings and I know we are ok thru October and I know I can plan ahead a little but I am not going to be frantic about it.  I trust God.  I trust the universe.  I trust in goodness.  I trust that taking care of my child who is hurting is the very thing I am supposed to be doing.  Please, if I forget that?  Remind me.